Dying to be Normal

I hate kids! Sounds like there's no proper explanation for that but I do, I do have proper explanations for the hatred. I hate them because I can't stand the mess they create, I hate them because they are meant to be handled in a certain way which is so hazardous to me and not in my level of tolerance, I hate them because I just don't want a little human being to hold the center of everyone's attention where all my, an adult's achievements, sorrows or other emotions are naturally blocked out, I hate them because they are the most stubborn little creatures alive on the planet earth that genuinely makes me flip out. I don't want to have them because raising them with proper etiquette and manners sounds so frustrating where I'm not even aware of the very meaning of "proper" in here. These explanations are all clearly logical and realistic to me but the so- called people around... they think I'm being selfish, self-immersed, impractical and unkind. They think I hate kids only for the hell of it. NO STUPID HUMANS! I DO HAVE ENOUGH REASONS. Well, guess nobody cared about my babbling back then, or else the situation could've been different. I was forced to get married. I protested and protested and cried out loud not to do it to me but to no avail. "I simply am not ready; I am not at all willing to start a family and accept all the responsibilities that come with it. I do not prefer to live with someone else for the rest of my life. I honestly don't feel the need to!" Nobody listened to my wailing, not a single soul tried to set their foot outside of my life. They considered my reasons to be "socially inappropriate" and feared if I got to say those to others outside the family and friends. According to them, it'd be blasphemous. "Are you homosexual?" they battered. "No!! For heaven's sake, I'm not homosexual. I just don't have those needs, I'm not even kidding. It's true…SO TRUE!" I begged them. At one point, I even fled away from home. Guess what happened next? I was brutally beaten up after forcefully bringing back home. I'm saying again, things could've been entirely different, totally upside down only if even one person had the mercy to get the hell off of my back. I got married, apparently which felt like just any other marriage. I was crying my eyes out when everyone let out that "aww" deeming my tears to be the expression of regular crocodile tears of a bride. And they thought it was quite "appropriate" and "expected". No, I'm reiterating, it was not! I managed to stay outside the entire conjugal stuff for the first two weeks. I can't blame my "husband" for his frustration because of it. He is a guy who has needs like any other guys and women. When my family didn't bother listening to my problem, why would I expect a totally outsider to do just that. Still, I appreciate how he kept quiet and cooperative throughout those two weeks. I gave in the following week, and all I could understand was I could possibly die of the way my body reacted to the whole thing. "you'll change after marriage" was another fat lie society uses to manipulate us, who stay against their flow of wind. I tolerated the unpalatable, disgusting and scary nights for a whole month. Then I opened up to my family, my husband about how unwanted and pierced with pang my body had been feeling since I gave in to conjugal life. All of them reacted in the similar tone at once, "It's fine to feel different about it initially. You'll feel alright only if you shake off the thought that you are not comfortable. No woman of this world cannot not desire for this. This is what makes a woman proper woman." The same way they used to discard all my shouting and panicking about having kids someday. They'd say, I was not talking like a woman. Women should feel the urge to be called mom one day, women should be always ready to take up all possible responsibilities regarding raising kids. Therefore, my emotional scars kept getting deeper and worse. My body kept receiving bruises that the society considers to be healthy and romantic, while my heart kept receiving bruises that society tries to shut out immediately. My body and mind became fully scarred at one point, when I didn't even have the courage to go to my job or do any of my daily chores. To worsen the entire scenario, I got pregnant after 6 months of marital rapes. I tried to abort the child as I was by no means, in the condition to welcome another disastrous force into my life. Yes, you people... "logical" and "with full-blown humanity" are rolling your eyes at my words, or cursing me enthusiastically. It's ok, you go on! Nothing would affect me anymore as I've already reached to the point of not coming back. My attempts did not succeed as my mother and sisters began to supervise me more fiercely than CC tv cameras. I wasn't even allowed to close the door to the washroom as they were there to keep their eagle eyes on my movements. I was held captive by everyone around me for the next nine fricking months. I gave birth to the kid; my soul received its final crack. Looking at the face of that kid, crying with a shrill noise, I knew what would be my next move. "You'll change your mind when you'll set your eyes on that little angel"... Nope, this wasn't true either, just another fat lie of the society. Inhaling deeply, I looked away from the disappointing scene, no, I couldn't feel a tinge of motherly affection after seeing the baby. Instead, I literally felt like wringing that tiny neck with all my energy. I'm telling again, and for the last time you guys, not all women are supposed to be mothers, not all of them hold the enthusiasm and desperation to marry and have kids. No, I know it for real because I am one of them. You tried hard to make me what I'm not, that's why I'm leaving... I cannot harm that little innocent child only because its mom isn't mom at heart, its mom didn't want to be a mother to begin with, never! I've decided my final destination! I am leaving this baby and the "perfect, possibly most eligible husband" for you guys. I'm sure there'll be a lot of women who're "normal" and will want to take these two happily into their lives. I only wanted to live on my own way, without harming their system, without trying to alter their preferred lives, without attempting to change them to the core. Anyway, everyone is sleeping right now and it's getting darker outside. This chance cannot be slipped away. The hardcore guard of my dearest mother and beloved sisters have been put down as they only wanted to protect the little one from my deadly claws. I'm not gonna be able to protect my sophisticated family from the shame of "what will others say" this time. Guess they'll have to be a little demeaned this time after destroying my soul and spirit to the utmost all the way. Things could've been better, if and only if they cared to listen to me, maybe for once! Now, I'm going away... I'm setting myself free from the intolerable shackles that have been sucking the life out of me. One more request to you guys, to the society, please! If any other woman turns out to be different from your predetermined expectations, do not destroy her soul like you did with mine. Keep her Alive! Not because she will eventually turn into your expected, ideal woman but because she deserves to live her life entirely according to her own preferences.