In the blink of an eye

If you listen in silence, you will be able to hear the rain roar as it hits the tinted glazing. I heave a shaky sigh. This is so boring. I examine my own reflection and realize that It’s probably bored of watching me. The lightning strikes and the grey clouds thunder. I focus on myself once more and blink.

I pick up the phone that lay against the ruffled thin blankets beside me and unlock it. Unconsciously, I begin to dial my mother’s number.

“Hello?” My mother’s dulcet tone rings in my ear.

“Hey, mom! What are you doing?” I beam, enjoying the tranquillity that came from the simple word.

“What’s the matter, mahal?” My mom asks. My eyes well up and my vision blurs.

“I don’t know” I choke out the words and blink. 

Oh, I’m back here.

I stare at myself, barely able to see my own reflection because of all the raindrops sliding its way down the glazing. I look beside me to see my phone right where it was in the first place.

It’s two-thirty in the morning and I am unable to fall asleep. My brows crease in frustration. 

Realizing how bored I am of the situation, I find it quite odd. I consider myself to be an introverted person. I get my energy from being alone but the sound of raindrops hitting the ground and thunder booming through the whole city could really make someone feel invaded.

Or maybe, that’s just how it is with me. I blink.

The phone rings and its ringtone startles me. I look at the caller ID. Aaron.

I answer without hesitation. “Hello?” My voice sounds timid, even though it was unintentional. 

“Synthia!” It was eminently loud. One could hear the sound of rebelling underaged teenagers from the other side of the line and I frown. 

“What do you want?” I flinch at the rude tone of my voice but I try not to be too bothered by it. This is so unlike me. All the din on the other side of the line begins to fade and in what seems like a minute, there is pin-drop silence.

He sighs, “I miss you, you know?”.

I blink. The thunderous clouds bring me back to my senses and I gaze at my reflection which looks more clear. I take note of the details. Aware of my asymmetrical eyes, how the acne scars make my face look much softer and beautiful and how the shade of my tone matched that of the night grey sky.

I space out again, into my thoughts, looking around for any kind of memory that I, the girl in the reflection so badly wants to feel again. I blink.

Outside, on the streets, the winds rush in from what seems to be all directions. The leaves on delicate branches sway uncontrollably and raindrops bounce on the pavement. There are kids, wearing their raincoats, stomping around and a girl, around the age of 17, holding one of the kids’ hands.

“Well, you’ve got a taste of the rain. I think we should go back inside.” says the girl.

“Let’s stay out a little longer!!” The kid shouts. His voice seems softer than the rain but you can still hear the sound of laughter. They look happy where they are.

I blink; the sound of raindrops hitting my window like hard knocks brings me back to my senses. It reminds me that there is a reality and I am in it. 

I hear a soft dripping, one unlike the ferocious rain slapping my window. I look around in confusion, unaware of its source. My hands move to my face to feel tears cascading down my cheeks. I look up at my reflection, only to see that my tears have blurred to the point where I can’t see them. I see my reflection look back at me with contempt. Her expression is stern and doesn't mirror mine.

I turn around to get away from the vision and lay my back on the soft, bouncy bed. I look at the laptop that is turned on beside me. A tab of blank paper is open and a few paragraphs are written on it. I blink.

I get out of bed and sit in front of my piano, staring at the keys that look all too familiar to me. My fingers brush through them, trying to remember what each white and black key sounds like.

She plays as gracefully as she can, with no audience to applaud or compliment her of the music so beautiful.

In the blink of an eye, she finds herself sweating in front of an audience, whose claps and screams echo through the whole stadium as she finishes her performance.

I blink again and jump at the sound of thunder. I snap back to reality. The outside looks much gloomier, much more lonely with no people roaming the streets. The honks of cars, which one is accustomed to as everyday noise, suddenly don’t exist. The empty space is instead filled with the sound of thunder and rain hitting everything it can.

I blink.

I pick up the phone beside me and click on Instagram. I go through the countless stories people post. They are all outside when they should be at home, safe from the virus that lingered. I check the time. It’s 3 am and I still can’t fall asleep.

Time goes by fast when you space out and dream of what you can do. I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom. As I look at myself from the mirror that hangs on the bathroom wall, I notice a lot of things. She looks tired and worn out, probably from staying in my head for so long. Or maybe it’s because I lie in bed all day long. She should have spent her time outside more often when she had the chance.

I look at her for another long minute before I speak, “This is boring you isn’t it? Or wait, does this annoy you? Me not doing anything?”

I expect my reflection to not say anything when she doesn’t speak for almost a minute, but her lips part and break the silence.

“Yeah. There is so much you can do but you choose not to. You think that it doesn’t irritate me? Don’t you think it’s stupid that you hate staying at home because you were told to?”

My tongue is tied and all I can do is a nod in agreement because she is right. I want to go out now that I’m being told to stay in and if they hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t mind being inside all the time. I’m only doing fine because I feel useful knowing that I get to ensure the safety of the public by doing what I normally do. That is how I am. That is who I am.

She frowns at me.

It spurs me to say something, “But, I feel comfortable here, in a weird sense. I feel like…. me.”

Her frown only deepens.

“You think you can only be your own person and whoever you want to be, in your head but when you’re out, in reality, you are only reminded of how ordinary you are, reminded of the fact that you’re the pretentious popular girl.”

I nod once again in response.

“And, you can’t attain your dream self when you’re outside huh?” The girl in the mirror says as she turns the tap on and washes her face. You’re right, I can’t.

“Well, maybe you’re just stupid. Anybody can build who they want to be in the real world. If you want to be a musician, go make music with everything you have.”

Her tone is stern but all I can do is stare as she begins to brush her teeth. The silence builds up between us while I watch her gargle, spit out the water, and use the towel to dry her wet face.

“What are you staring at? Go and do what I told you to.” And just like that, I blink twice. The sound of raindrops makes sense to me now, almost like the lyrics of your favourite artist when you listen to them late at night.

I stand up and open the drawer where I kept all the things I use for producing music. I take out the studio microphone and go back to sit on my bed, beside the window that made a noise similar to a ruckus of a thousand bustling feet. I open the recording app I normally use when I produce music and record all the noises I can capture, even hoping to catch a bit of thunder.

That would sound great. 

The eyes of hope widen at the sight of lightning and even as I know what comes next, I still jump at the sound of thunder booming through the night sky. The girl whose reflection I see stretches a smile so wide, it’s contagious.

After catching a few more minutes of the noises that are rumbling outside, I go to the keyboard and begin playing.

xxx

I pick up my phone and check the time. 5:15 am.

Wasting no more time, I begin to edit and finalize the song.

Minutes stretch into hours as I work on the minor details that made all the difference in my song. By now, the orange glow of the sun begins to show on the horizon, with flecks of the brightest shades of amber and that is when I am done. I take my first listen to the song I just created and realize how quiet it has gotten. 

The rain is no more, the sky is clear but gloomy and birds are chirping in the background. I squint my sleepy eyes against the rays of the blinding sun. I pull the curtains and try to bring the usual comfort of darkness into my room. Much better. 

I go through the song again and again and again, biting my bottom lip every time I hear it. I sound fine, the music sounds fine, so why doesn’t something seem right?

I make up my mind and post it on a platform I am comfortable with, watching as one person views it, two now. I blink twice and the darkness engulfs me.

xxx

The phone rings. I peek from under the covers, pick it up, and answer. 

“Mmm, hello?” My throat feels extremely dry.

“UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE” A loud, high-pitch voice screams from the other side of the line. I flinch and pull the phone away from my ears and groan in response. 

“What in the world do you want?”

“YOUR SONG GOT 5 MILLION VIEWS AND ALMOST A MILLION COMMENTS! I mean it got a few hundred thousand dislikes BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER” The voice I recognize is Christina’s. She screams again. 

“Hmm okay cool,” I reply, without even considering for a moment that, Holy shit, my song has 5 million views. “UH WHAT?” I say in realization.

“YEAH, IT’S INSANE, WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING THROUGH THIS??”

I sit up straight as fast as I can and end the call. It is 3 pm when I go through my social media and see that, she is right. The song I produced has reached over 5 million views and I have tons and tons of messages.

What the hell? I think with the biggest smile on my face. I pull the curtains to the side to look out my window. The streets are empty but the world is much lighter and filled with good energy. Even though it is quiet and seems to be isolated, I feel complete.

I dial my father’s number and when I hear him pick up, I roar with happiness. “DAD! You will not believe what just happened!”

“Hmm? What is it dear?” The old, raspy voice of my father makes me feel warm against the cold that surrounds my skin with goosebumps. 

“I did something.” 

I blink; the sound of thunder and lightning brings me back and the rain hits the glazing louder than ever before.

I sigh for the nth time, close my laptop, plug my phone to charge and look beyond the window one last time before deciding that every day was going to be routine. I will always be lost in this abyss and I know that I'm not going to get up and do something different unless I choose to at that moment because I want my reflection to reflect who I truly am. And with that reality, I fall into unconsciousness.



xx