The Worst Little Legal Limit in Texas

Content warning: This story contains references to adult toys.

Shalana didn’t think people were supposed to share their alleged crimes in jail. Color her surprised when her cellmates started swapping stories anyway in the bunks of Johnson County Jail.

Most of the people in her unit were in for first-time drug offenses after being caught with quantities just above the limit. Her top bunkmate was in for public urination which was mildy troubling. When all of their eyes settled on her, she set her jaw. At least everyone else’s charges were also ridiculous.

“I’m in here because Texas state laws prohibit a person from having more than six adult toys. I had a trunk full,” she said.

“Oh, that stupid law?” said her bunkmate after everyone finished laughing. “Show of hands who else is guilty on those charges.”

Shana laughed as everyone else lowered their hands. “Turns out good fun can land you some hard time.”

Everyone had questions along the same categories: How did she get her hands on so many? Did she happen to sneak any inside the jail? She gave the condensed version of her story after the 2-minute spray of questions died down.

“It started with burying a friend,” she said.

The evening after Becca’s will was read out, Shalana made her first and biggest mistake: she showed what her dear friend bequeathed her to Jeanette. The girl loved a secret but couldn’t grasp the part where they stayed that way. She especially loved secrets that had to do with a friend of Shalana’s whom Jeanette simply tolerated.

Jeanette covered her mouth as Shalana unzipped the suitcase and tipped it over so loads of toys could wiggle and bob out. The collection of colors made the scene downright Seussical as reds and blues coming out in ones and twos.

“Did you and Becca… you know? Is this your personal collection?” Jeanette asked between her fingers.

“Of course not!” Shalana hissed, as if she didn’t live alone. “This was Becca’s last side hustle before she got too sick to keep selling them.”

“That’s weird she would’ve wanted you to have them.”

“Yeah,” Shalana said. She decided not to tell her other friend about Becca’s attempts to recruit her. Becca thought a home-based sex shop business could use some educational programming. Since the site of the paraphernalia made Shalana blush, Becca thought she could book the experts. “Becca works in mysterious ways.”

“So what are you going to do with them?” The million dollar question for Shalana, who was upset that even in death, she couldn’t escape Becca’s hairbrained schemes.

“To be honest, Becca wanted to challenge the new Texas law that prohibits people from owning more than six of these guys.”

“Is that really a law?”

“They passed it in 2003,” Shalana said. “So now I’m stuck with a case of Schrodinger’s Schlongs.”

Jeanette sputtered. “What?”

“Like the cat that’s both alive and dead inside a box? These toys are both innocuous and incriminating at the same time. I could let them collect dust or I could find new homes for them.”

“The third option is to throw them away,” Jeanette said.

Just throw them away. Jeanette’s words would echo through Shalana’s head that night after Shalana put up the suitcase, put on some going-out clothes and met their mutual friends at the Rusty Nickel downtown. It was Becca’s favorite venue to bring her band and play Reba McIntyre covers. The Nickel was also the same place where Becca came up with her plan the day after the Texas Legislature’s vote. Shalana found herself thinking back to that night as she took her first sip of whiskey and ginger ale.

“This is what those sickos are worried about in Austin?” Bex said during their late night venting session.

“And still no formal sex education programming across the state, too,” Shalana said.

“And in private schools, it’s taught – I’m using ‘taught’ generously here – by rich pricks! And their parents who can afford the toys that they find and bring to school,” Bex said. “Not that I’m speaking from personal experience.”

Shalana laughed uneasily. Her public school edition of sex ed was pure scare tactics: images of what could go wrong after intimacy, the medical risks. Certain death. “Either way, it leaves people worse-informed and worse off,” she said.

She’d find out later that night Becca didn’t stop thinking about the law when they’d changed the subject. Becca had stayed up all night researching high-quality brands that encouraged home parties. Months later, the suitcase full of toys would make its debut in Shalana’s house.

“Stupid laws require stupid challenges to it,” Becca said at the time.

Shalana thought Becca got rid of the suitcase’s contents after her diagnosis, when they took their last hurrah girls’ trips and the questionable purchases were replaced with bikini tops and polaroid cameras. Near the end of it all, it carried pajamas and CDs to play during chemo.

Shalana was snapped out of her flashback by Jeanette, who decided Shalana’s gift from Becca was hers to share.

“That’s what that sicko left poor little Shalana. Can you believe it?” Jeanette said. Raven, their other friend, laughed and looked at Shalana with wide eyes.

“That’s a lot,” Raven said. “Becca always was a little off-color, wasn’t she?”

Shalana shrugged. “I saw the point of what she was doing. I think I agree, even. High school sex ed was traumatizing.”

“We all turned out fine,” Jeanette said. “So what? You’re going to pick up the plastic torch?”

“I don’t think so,” Shalana said. “But I can’t just throw them away. Think of the environment.” And think of the fact that is my only reminder of my best friend, Shalana thought. “Of course, if I had a few people to take some off of my hands, that would make it less insane.”

Raven opened her mouth, but Jeanette spoke up before the first syllable left her lips.

“Uh, pass again,” Jeanette said. “Good luck with that in Alvarado.”

As Shalana walked back to her car, she heard footsteps behind her. Raven was walking up to her, her eyes sweeping left and right.

“Hey. I think I can help with the, uh-”

“The toys?”

“Yes!” Raven said loudly, then caught herself. “Sorry, yes. Can I come over tomorrow?” The two exchanged numbers. As she walked away, Raven turned around one last time.

“I think you might have figured it out already, but I’d prefer if we didn’t tell Jeanette about this.”

“Oh yes,” Shalana said. As she got in her car, she couldn’t help but see Jeanette watching her through the bar window, her eyes narrowed.

Alvarado was a true small Texas town. No one told Jeanette, but Raven apparently told over two dozen girls about her visit with Shalana. What seemed to be her entire friend group – or at least the ones who didn’t mind visiting a stranger’s house to look at sex toys – trickled through. Raven half apologized when confronted about it.

“OK, fair,” she said. “But this kind of solves your problem, doesn’t it?” She motioned behind her. “I didn’t ask how many toys you had, but I’m guessing it’s around or not more than 120. We have just enough people here to solve your problem.”

“Oh god,” Shalana said. “This party’s become the setup for a pervy ACT question.”

She sighed and grabbed the suitcase. As she walked out, she took in deep breaths to prepare herself for the obscene amount of cat-herding she would have to do to make 20 people happy.

She cleared her throat a couple times in the middle of the party. When no one noticed, Raven took it from there.

“Everyone shut up for a second!” she yelled. “Our lovely host Shalana is going to say a few things and then get you what you came here for, all right?” A couple girls hooped and hollered in the front. Raven smiled at Shalana as she took some steps away from the center.

“Hi everyone, thanks for being in my house uninvited,” Shalana said to a couple uneasy laughs. “A good friend of mine had a vision of community building around a really questionable law on the books here. She looked around at Alvarado and sensed this need for openness, discussion about, well, having a good time – not the whole Mean Girls “Don’t have sex, you will die” discussion, but what is pleasure? How do we please ourselves?” Someone said “hell yeah,” and others applauded.

“So I’m going to be honest, there’s a fire hazard level of people here when I only expected one of you, so I guess we’re going to do this.” Shalana unzipped the suitcase and put a pile of toys on her table. She walked across the room and put another pile on her kitchen counter. “I trust you ladies to be cordial and sort out who takes what with grace. Everyone takes no more than six. Have fun, and just as in intimacy as it is this weird party, don’t hurt anybody.”

Shalana walked quickly to the other side of the room as people flocked to the two separate piles. Across the room, Raven put her toys under her arms to applaud at Shalana. Just as Shalana came down from the rush, she heard a knock on the door.

“You missed the big announcement, but there’s plenty–” her words fell as a sheriff’s officer stood on the other side of the door.

“Plenty of what?” The officer said.

“Uhh, uhhh,” Shalana said. But the officer could see inside just fine.

“You’re going to have to come with me,” he said. “As for everyone else!” His voice boomed through the room without Raven’s help to get their attention. “You have ten seconds to leave before you’re arrested as an accessory. And leave the toys.”

People filtered out, with some of their bags obviously bulging in suspicious ways. The sheriff’s officer let Shalana lock up before escorting her to his car. As she did, she saw a mini cooper that looked a lot like Jeanette’s pull off from the side of the road.

“That’s cold,” said one of the people who listened to Jeanette in that dusty Johnson County Jail.

“Yeah. Lesson learned: never keep old friends from high school,” Shalana said. “I just wish my real friend could have seen the pure chaos her side gig caused.”

“Do you regret it?” Someone asked. Shalana thought for a second.

“I regret not doing this with Becca. Y’all would’ve loved her. She would’ve done a lot better in prison than me.” The other prisoners laughed. One of them reminded her that she was only in a 48-hour holding cell. “But no, I don’t regret it.” She took a deep breath, taking in the musty clothes they all wore and the mustier cell, along with the feelings from the party.

“At the end of the day, stupid laws require stupid challenges.”