Madness

A minute without him, felt like a year, but now she would have to spend the rest of her life alone. Nights became unbearable. Every time she closed her eyes, he was staring back at her. Sometimes lovingly, sometimes with rage, but always longing for her touch. And as painful nights could get, she could never get enough of his dark brown eyes. Which first looked intimidating, but now was sweet, just like brown sugar which he always added to his coffee. And now those eyes were staring back at her across the street. At last they crawled out her dreams. He was smiling. Emily’s heart almost jumped out of chest and legs led a way across the street.

“Look out.” Woman grabbed her hand and pulled her in as carriage rode across. Man shouted curses at them and drove away. “Have you lost your mind?” Small blonde woman was shouting at her.

“Olivia.” She turned her face at friend and then looked to the spot where a moment ago relived her dreams. “Wait here for a moment.” She lifted her dress and sprinted across the street. There was not a lot of people, but he wasn’t among the crowd.” I am actually going out of my mind.”

“Could you please tell me what is going on?” Olivia followed from behind lifting light-yellow dress scandalously high.

 “I saw Noah.” Emily’s gaze was still looking out into the distance.

“Honey, not again.” She let out a deep sigh. “I am telling you this as lovingly as I can, you need to forget about him. Honey, he passed away. We went to the funeral. I was there, you were there, we saw how they buried him. You must move on.” She stroke Emily’s back.

 “I know, it is just…”

“It is just hard. He is Noah. I cannot believe. I know, you have said it before. We had this conversation millions of times.” Emily let down her face, still in disbelief.

“Olivia he hunts me. I see him everywhere. I can’t even sleep.”

“Honey, no problem! Tonight, there is no need to sleep. Thomas invited me to his birthday ball, and I am taking you with me. There are no excuses. You will come and have fun. It will become a great distraction.”

           They took a few steps towards coffee shop they were going, but Emily turned back one more time to make sure if he is gone.

           Olivia is a wonderful friend, but recently she was trying to drag out Emily out of house more often. Those walls were suffocating her, but crowds and public was not helping either. House brought back memories, but people were wearing his mask. There was no place she could take a break.

           She put on a red dress, he used to say how bright colors was showing her chaotic self. Emily was a beautiful woman, but her face was fatigued. She was not eating much but drank occasionally. She used to drink a glass of wine with him. He would smoke a cigarette and then they would get into fight. Which always ended with a kiss. She shook her head trying to get rid of the memories and went out to the mansion.

           Thomas green was a wealthy man or rather his parents were wealthy. When Emily arrived the size of the mansion intimidated her. It had a captivating garden as well, where she could lose even herself in it.

           Emily was dreading this ball, because there will be no recognizable faces. But she promised Olivia to come, so there is no choice.

           The inside was rather extravagant. Lots of candles and lights. His parents are probably in love with white and gold colors. As she quickly scanned familiar faces and made her greetings, a maid gave her a glass of champagne. Emily stood at the corner of the ball watching people dance in beautiful dresses. She took a sip of champagne and noticed a man standing next to her. She did not have to turn to recognize that painfully familiar figure. It was Noah. Her deep sigh represented how exhausted she is to see him everywhere she goes.

“Sigh louder, I think sailors across the ocean didn’t hear you.”

“You look awfully alive for a dead man.”

“I saw you stand here all lonely and had no choice but to crawl back up from hell.”

“See now I am concerned, because this feels way too real for a dream.”

“Sweetheart,” He leaned in so close, she felt his warm breathing on her neck.” If you were sleeping, this would be a nightmare.” He took a sip of champagne and shifted gaze onto the crowd of dancing people.

           Her eyes widened. How can she feel a breath on her neck? This must be some kind of mistake. She shut her eyes and repeated under breath “wake up”. In a moment she will open her eyes and he will be gone. He is a fraction of her imagination. He is not real. She was in his funeral. This is nothing more than a lack of sleep and champagne.

           She was brought back by tap on a shoulder. A young man stood in front of her asking for a dance. She immediately looked around. Noah was gone. She put a glass of champagne on the table and tightly hugged herself to hide shaking hands. Young man looked concerned, but she excused herself and went outside. She was tired, intoxicated, still grieving. This loud music and crowd were playing with her mind.

           The garden was filled with music. From a distance and behind walls it sounded nicer. She walked around in hopes to forget the last ten minutes. Lucky enough, garden was empty.

“As cold hearted as always.” He snuck from behind. “That young man gathered all the courage to walk up to you.”

“What do you want from me?” Her voice was shaking, and hands held the dress tightly.

“The real question is what do you want from me?”

“I don’t want anything. I have said my goodbye, let me move on. I cannot live like this. What do you want from me?” Last question sounded more like a cry.

“What an unbelievably calm night this is.” He shifted his eyes to the night sky. She lifted her hands on the face. This instance she felt like going crazy. “Remember when we were strangers and stumbled upon a night sky just like this one? Back then it felt unfortunate to spend that evening with you. No, excuse me, it was unfortunate, that I spent that evening with you.” His face was relaxed. Not a single wrinkle. At least not like the time she saw him before the funeral.

“I am sorry. I...” He cut her off mid-sentence.

“Shall we dance? This is a ball after all. This music is expecting a dance.” He walked up to her and took her trembling hand.

           He softly pressed her in his arms and started swinging in a rhythm. He was so gentle; she did not had time to object. But now being so close to him she realized; how real this is. His fragrance, cigarette mixed with cologne, annoyed her nose as it used to. His warm hands were firm and led her move along the music effortlessly. She pressed her wet cheeks into his chest because shoulder was too high for her. Thump thump. It is his heartbeat. Even if this is the craziest dream or nightmare or hallucination, she wanted to get lost in it, just for a moment. No more, no less. A single moment.

“Why did you do it?” He broke the silence and crushed her heart with a single question.

           She stopped but could not lift her face.

“Here is only you and me. No people, no witnesses, no lies. I believe I deserve the truth.” His tone did not change. He was not speaking of anger or sadness. All he wanted was explanation. “That glass of wine, we prepared it for Philip. Silly me, I misspoke. I prepared it for Philip. “

           Now she was sure. Whatever he is, a nightmare or a ghost, he is Noah. Not a single living soul knows about this. She finally lifted her face and looked him straight in the eyes.

“I am sinful. I confess my deeds. I was ready to kill a man, for a woman I loved. It is time for your confession as well. Why did you switch glasses?” He could not face her. His eyes were fixated onto the distance.

“I am sorry.”

“I have never asked for apology. You see, people ten feet under, can’t really take an apology.” His eyes shifted. Now they were dark and hurt. His face remained neutral, but eyes sparkled with tears. “All I want is explanation why.”

“I was afraid.” He kept quiet waiting for her to continue.” You know I’ve come from nothing. Back then, running with you, meant running back to poverty and I...”

“Money?” He burst out with laughter.” You decided to stay with violent old man for money? You killed me for money?” His burst filled the garden and Emily’s body was covered in shiver. What if someone will come here and hear their conversation.” Sweetheart, have you ever heard of a breakup? Noah, I have changed my mind, I am going to stay with Philip. This one sentence could have kept the world from a birth of a criminal. Just how many skeletons do you have in your closet?”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” She cried out and he froze in disbelief.

“And for that I will remain forever grateful. One shall only dream of a girl like you. And the poison was to make a wine sweeter, I suppose?” The distance between them increased.

“No one was supposed to die. I’ve made a mistake.” Her legs could not hold her weight and she collapsed on her knees.

“Now now, dear, don’t kill yourself over this.” He came up to her and helped her stand up. “You see, what has been done, can’t be undone. And my motto remains….”

“Never look back, sprint to the future.” He smiled and cleaned her dress from the dirt.

“That’s right, sweetheart.” He faced her once again and brushed off tears from her cheeks. “Especially when I am guilty as can be before you as well.” He embraced her tightly as before and once again started swinging to the music. “Remember how I loved mysteries?” She slightly nodded her head, still not able to calm down. “I hope thanks to me you fell in love with them as well. So now I am passing the narrative of the story to you. Now you will decide the flow and the ending.” He gently spinned her in his arms and then pressed to his chest. “I am a fragment of your conscious, trying to convince you to confess to police. Trying to cleanse your senses. Crawling my way into the core of your guilt.” He lowered her back on his knee and her balance was completely up to him. “Or, and I will be frank with you, I love this ending better, I was not brave enough to kill a human and instead of poison, poured in a strong medicine. I tasted the wine, realized your deeds, and faked my death with my friend from mortuary. As you said, I was nothing, I had nothing. I was a soul not significant enough for anyone to remember. And now I came back to you for vengeance. Because you were the only human being in this universe dear to me. And you killed me.” His face was so close to her, but he still held her lowered against a knee.

“Please be alive.” Two teardrops rolled down her cheeks onto the grass.

“As you wish, sweetheart.” He took out something from the pocket and quickly moved. She lost the sense of surrounding. Noah lowered her onto the ground. “You know, I loved you. I loved you deeply.”

           Her chest tightened. It was hard breathing, her hands were sweating. She caressed his cheek and answered with silence. No words left to say. She left a red stain on his cheek and looked down. He stabbed a knife into her chest.

“Thank goodness you’re alive.” She whispered between short breaths and her eyelids became too heavy to keep looking into his eyes.

           Her body felt heavy. Is this hell? Is she dead? Was he really Noah?

“Goodness Gracious, finally you’re awake.” Irritated voice came from the corner.

           She opened her eyes; it was a white room. Not hell nor heaven.

“Am I dead?”

“You wish. I found you in the garden on the ground. Doctor said you had a panic attack.” Olivia came closer and put a hand on her forehead. “We’ll be heading home in no time. And so you know, you owe me a lot. I mean like huge lot. Immensely in debt. I was taking a stroll with Thomas and you know how I love Thomas and…” Her friend started mumbling, but Emily still couldn’t fully wake up from what happened.

“Panic attack?” She sat down, there was nothing on her chest. Her body felt tired, but there was no wound, only muscle pain from cramps. “But I was with Noah.”

           This sentence silenced Olivia. Her usually quirky face was now serious, and she was speechless.

“Honey, Noah is dead. How many times can we talk about it?” She sat down on the bed near her and put her hand on the shoulder. “I personally walked you to his funeral. Honey, there is no longer Noah with us.”

           Emily’s breathing was not steady, just like the last night.

“No no, he faked his death. I danced with him, we talked. I physically touched him. He is alive.” She grabbed her friend and desperately shook Olivia’s hands.

“Honey, he is not alive. He passed away.” Olivia’s eyes were wide in terror. As if she has lost a friend and a person in front of her was no longer Emily.

“But yesterday.” Her hands were getting sweaty and heart was racing like crazy. She started gasping for air.

“I will call the doctor.” Her friend rushed from the room.

           Emily hugged her knees. This cannot be true. What is true? She touched him, they danced. The smell of the cigarettes and cologne was annoyingly strong. Did he stab her? Maybe she got panic attack and then he left her there? Or was he even there?

“He is alive. Noah you are alive.” Her body was so tense it was starting to cramp again.

“Mrs. Emily Jones rest in this room.” Distant female voice came behind a wall.

“Thank you.”

“Olivia?” Emily asked a person behind the door.

           Noah stood there with biggest smile on his face.

“Hello, sweetheart.”