Trapped

As I walked along the cold side walk, the howling wind invited the sun to rest. A leaf crunched under my soiled shoes. The trees that were once painted with yellows and oranges had begun to lose their vibrancy. The decaying brown of the leaves was not to be ignored. The air was clean and yet seemed to taunt me. A black backpack weighed me down, causing an ache in my back. The coffee in my hands warmed my red fingers. My feet carried me to the library. I paused in front of the door, my reflection stared back. I stood there with my messy hair and dark circles. Sleep hadn’t come about much recently. Touching the cold metal of the door, I invited the storm. 

The library pulled at me, trapping me inside. The smell of the books. The quiet sniffles. The turning pages. It all caged me and wasn’t going to let me go anytime soon. Stumbling through the building, I found myself a small table hidden in the back. Hesitantly, I sat down and threw my books on the table. Opening my notes, I knew the storm was building.

Two hour had passed before a large rumble disrupted my focus. Desperate to quiet the roaring of my stomach, I pulled out a granola bar. Chewing slowly, I inspected my coffee. The heat of the liquid had left hours ago. But I was hours away from being finished, so I chugged the lukewarm coffee. Once the bar and coffee had been devoured, my books demanded my attention. The gifted talents of Chopin and Handel kept me company as the homework picked at my brain. It was dark outside now but the moon gleamed into the large windows of the library. Shifting my gaze away from the window, I attempted to catch the fleeting focus I had left. But laughter turned my head towards the window. There were five students walking back to their dorm. Completely worry free, just living their lives one step at a time. Overcome with the desire to be like them, my mind hunted. I combed through my memories, looking for the time when I was without stress. When I wasn’t worried.  

I shifted my eyes back to my books. There was so much to do. A test this week. A test next week. A project. A presentation. I let out a huff of built up stress. I had been staring at my physics assignment for what seemed like hours now. Crumpled up scratch work that had been tossed in the corner ridiculed me. I didn’t understand. I tried everything. My brain wasn’t functioning anymore. I flipped through the dull, worn down textbook, expecting it to solve my troubles. But I got nothing. Absolutely nothing. My eyes begged for a break, sagging at the thought of more work. Fine. Fine. Five minutes I told myself. I let my head rest atop of the textbooks. I let my eyes shut and I pushed back my worries. The sound of rattling keys woke me from my nap. I checked the clock and my mind instantly started to race. It was 15 minutes past the library’s closing time. I ran to the doors through which I had entered earlier, hoping that it would open. It did not. I couldn’t leave. I was imprisoned.

 My feet dragged across the carpeted floor as I walked back to my table. Shelves filled with books of every genre and subject stood high. I was like a mouse living amongst humans. The library was going to be locked until morning, I was stuck here. Looking out the window, I saw the moon once again. Bright and clear as ever. The moon was free and unbothered. The trees underneath the night sky were calm. The streets were quiet and peaceful. Everything was still outside. Slumping back into the wooden chair, I commanded my eyes to read the pages again. Series of words passed through my mind. Page after page. Section after section. Chapter after chapter. Over and over. It seemed to be never ending. The monotonous task mocked me. It poked at my inability to complete the problem. Once more, my eyes begged for a break. My lips tugged upwards by the thought of my warm and inviting bed. Rubbing my eyes, I hoped they would stay open. But yawn after yawn I couldn’t fight it and the night took control and shut them. The closed eyes satisfied my deprived self. 

Trudging through the library, I hunted for my books for my next class. A small but noticeable headache appeared. Some water ought to get rid of it. A loud crash shook my body, fear turned me around. I couldn’t make out what it was but it stalked me. I was its prey. It towered over me, roaring at me. A step back would entice it two steps forward. I was a game to it. I soon noticed the closer it was, the more my headache grew. I froze. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. Suddenly a crash caught its attention and it shifted away. I took my chance and ran. 

I thought I was free until the room started to shrink. The walls were closing in. The walls inched closer. Tremors took hold over my body. The panic in me strengthened. The panic nourished the walls. They closed in faster as my tremors shook faster. However this time, contracting feet by feet. My body shook even more like a volcano erupting. The once towering shelves toppled over. Their books crashed to the floor and piled up, trapping me in the center. The cream colored walls turned dark. The space in the room restricted my breath. Panicked breaths filled my ears. Tears flooded my eyes. My body shook. I could not do this anymore. I can’t. 

I woke up with a jolt, breathing heavily. The library was as silent as an empty room. The clock read 4:30. Sighing, I rubbed my eyes. 

I was tired. No, that didn’t describe it. I was drained.

I need a break. I deserve one, don’t I?