Ultimo Adios

I woke up with a start today, feeling the heavy burden of bitterness I usually would feel, but today was the day I would ignore it and focus entirely on my family. ‘Today,’ I thought as I rubbed my eyes from any sleepiness that lingered from the night before. ‘It is going to be today, I can do it,’ I thought as I quickly slide off my bed to begin the day, I quickly tore my comforters and sheets before I rearranged the bed nice and tidy as I can make it be, “what are you doing up so early Ashley?” I looked over to see my sister also awake, “nothing just felt rather energetic,” I lied as I continued to fix out the wrinkles and such. “Okay,” she answered as she eyed me slightly, but I ignored her eyes as I continued to proceed with my next task; “what are you doing now?” she asked as I slip pass her, “gonna make breakfast, how does eggs and pancakes sound?” I asked trying to steer her away from any more questions, which seems to succeed because her eyes perked up at the sound of my bribe.

“Yes! Please make them! I have not had your breakfast in years!” she gleefully answered before she rushed to the living room where my mother and brother laid; the house was small and my taller siblings had spent the night to share the evening with our family. It was the perfect for my goals as well because it meant I could spend as much time with my family all at the same time; I then quickly gathered my ingredients to make the promised breakfast for them as I continued making batches of coffee for both me and my grandmother.

“I heard you were making breakfast,” I faced the door way to see my mother still in her pajamas, her tired eyes sparked with amusement and curiosities, “yup! I woke up feeling good so I just decided to make breakfast, I also was thinking about spending time with everyone today, though I’m not sure how since I have no money or any plans made, but I’ll figure it out.” That left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I just bit the inside of my cheek before I smiled at my mother, “I’m sure you’ll figure it out, maybe ask your grandma about borrowing some money,” she suggested. Though I didn’t feel comfortable about borrowing money from her especially since she is struggling on supporting me, my mom, and my two little sisters; Ash and Ariel had already grown to have jobs and rent a place at my stepfather’s place so I didn’t have to worry about them.

“I’ll figure something out,” I answered plainly as I continued to make more for my family which I can hear them squeal in the other room signaling me that the younger ones had been awaken, “I smell buttermilk pancakes!” I heard the youngest screech out as she slide into view, “I’m still making them so you gotta wait, okay kiddo,” I answered which I received a pout from the little gremlin. I just chuckled, but continued to make the rest of the eggs and pancakes I had promised my sister; once that was finished I served everyone and place one away for my grandmother who was still asleep, I then finished my cup of coffee and cleaned after my mess.

“I got this Ashley, if you have any plans, I suggested you get ready for it,” went my mom, which I responded a thanks with a kiss to the side of her face. My mind full of doubts and worries which isn’t unusual, but I ignored them as much as I could before I entered the bedroom I shared with my younger sisters.

I looked through my dressers in search of anything appropriate to wear for the day though I don’t really have anything suitable, but I did have an idea what my sisters would have wanted me to wear. Luckily I had that particular outfit down under the heaps of men’s clothes I usually wore, I had held onto it since I always felt that a day like today would happen. I happily smiled to find the baby blue dress my sister once begged me to wear for a BBQ, but instead wore my usual male attire on that same day which bothered both her and my grandmother, mostly my grandmother since she always was against me wearing men’s clothes.

I quickly got dressed and curled my long hair before asking help of my younger sister Rose to help with the make-up part which she joyfully had fun with and with the help of my sister Ariel I was finished within minutes. Once they finished they quickly got dressed themselves and had suddenly made plans on dragging me out to go shopping with our brother and youngest sister of course. “I was hoping to stay and spend time with you guys today, you know individually at a time since I feel like I haven’t had a heart to heart with you guys,” I smiled. Though my brother seem to like idea, he did also believe that a sibling outing would do nice for all of us; my grandmother who had woken up prior to this was ecstatic of me leaving the house even offered me some money to spend as my siblings shoved me within Ariel’s car.

I manage to grant kisses with my mother and grandma before we left the house to the nearest mall; “alright first we go to café since I need my daily caffeine,” went Ariel, “then we can take a look at the clothes at the lower bottom, and finally have lunch at the food court; you can pick the last thing to do Ashley.” I gave Ariel a smile while biting the inside of my cheek, “alright I like those odds, now come on! I wish to spoil this girl rotten!” declared Ash as he grabbed my hand to guide me to the nearest store from the entrance. I continue to ignore the growing pain that swelled within my throat as I spend time with my siblings, devouring the details on their appearance as if it was the last time I would see them, the urge to cry had become more tempting with each minute pass with them. I forced those feelings down and plaster a smile on my lips as my brother and sisters dolled me up with dresses and accessories as if I was a doll to play with not that I mind though, seeing their smiling faces made this hellish shopping spree worth it.

               “Alright!” went Rose while munching her food of choice, “we spend a lot of money on dressing you up,” she beamed at my direction which I frowned at the thought, “why me when you guys could have used that money on yourselves,” I whined while taking a sip from my drink. Ash laughed at my complaint, “come on! It’s still less than what we got ourselves, I say we should have spoiled you a little more,” I rolled my eyes at his sentence and just continue munching on my fries. “Since we have a couple more hours we can take a break from the walking and just chat among ourselves,” went Rose as she held her phone for us to see. ‘I still would like to be home before sundown, but I highly doubt we’ll be able to make it on time, so I guess I could message them later about it,’ I thought as I stared down at my fries, feeling my appetite now vanished from my mind.

We sat there for a an hour or so chatting among ourselves as I listen to Ariel’s love life and Ash’s job, along with Rose finishing a school project while Emily was having a hard time focusing on work.

 “I think because you’re supposed to not have your phone on during school hours?” I smirked seeing her become flustered and try thinking of an excuse to make, but utterly failing on her part. “What about you? Have you found any love as of now Ashley?” asked my brother, but I brushed it off with a laugh stating I saw no interest in such a thing. “How, you are at that age of probably free to date and try to be out there,” went Ariel, but I shrugged at her statement and just leaned against the table with ease began wondering how to disrupt my way out of the house later on tonight. “Come on! We have one last thing to do and you still need to pick it Ashley,” cheered Emily as she jumped out of her seat, the others followed her lead as we all began packing and putting any trash away. I watched on the side smiling as Rose cleaned the table which I usually do before leaving mostly to help the employees who worked here. It made my heart warm to know she picked up the habit from me; “come on, I saw a shop with some crystals, I kind of wish to see what they have,” I went which they gleefully agreed and followed me to the said shop spending our time chatting on our way there.

               By the time we got home, it was already beginning to turn dusk which made a huge problem with my plan for later, but again I decided to just shrug it off and quickly whipped out my phone from the bag I carried to text to a number I had saved earlier this week. “Coming inside sis?” I heard Ash say which I quickly nod and made my way to the house, I could already smell the cooked food from a few inches away from the door signaling that mom had just began cooking dinner. “I’ll help mom with dinner, why don’t you guys unpack?” I asked hoping to bait them with the idea, gratefully though they took it and began piling through the door while I was the last to enter the small house.

“Did you guys have fun?” I heard my ask me, which I happily reply with a “yes” and settled the bag I held onto the chair before I approached my mom, hugging her by the waist as she continued to cook on the stove, “what’s with the affection lately?” I can hear a chuckle escaping her throat. “I just wanted to hug you sorry,” I went before I turned to wash my hand in the sink before I began to lend a hand with dinner. Listening to the sound of her humming beside me while I stir up some mash potatoes which she had prepared before I came; I could listen to my grandmother laughing in the background as my siblings took turns trying to making her laugh, it always brought a smile to me to see her in moments like these.

No stress, no worries, no fighting, just pure laughter and the warmth of family being together, it could bring me to tears at the sight sometimes… especially now; “sweetie, you okay?” I heard as I wiped away the tears that spilled from my eyes, “I’m fine mom, just happy is all, hard to believe only years before we were so separated and now together finally,” I beamed. A sad smile reached her face as she gave me a side hug, “I understand it’s been difficult to truly be free from the problems we had, but remember you are all free from the grips of those people, you’re together and she is home.” I nod to this, but little did she know of what I had planned though I know it would be for the best, especially for my grandmother she was the one who carried us all on her shoulders. Her grandchildren, her daughters, and her own life; the woman was an amazing person who held so much pain and suffering from many people myself included, but I plan on changing that.

“Ashley, mom, is dinner done? I’m hungry!” I heard Emily call out which I just shouted back, “it’ll be ready when mom says it is!” I smiled as I heard a groan followed after a few snickers from the others. I looked back at mom and simply chuckled at my childish behavior before we continue to finish making the rest of the meal. Easily drawing the attention to the two girls who continued to ask before we finally admit it was done; I gestured my mother to join them in the living room as I began serving everyone their plates before joining them. Kick starting a movie I savored the scene around me as I etched their faces in my mind as much as I can before I continue forcing the food down my throat, but the more I ate the more I felt sick to my stomach.

Nonetheless I managed perfectly fine feeling rather tired I had gotten up from my spot to put away the dish I used, “you doing okay Ashley?” my grandmother asked which only earned her a kiss from me, “I’m fine, but I’m going to go on a walk right now, feels slightly stuffy in here,” I went. I then began grabbing my sweater from my clothes and quickly made my way to the door, “bye, I’ll be back!” I went feeling the lie stain my tongue- “I want to go!” went Emily, but I quickly shot it down hinting that I wanted to walk alone much to her disappointment, yet Ash also mention that I was with them all day, “let her go on her own, she’ll need a break from us today, plus I know she is exhausted from socializing.”

I bit back a whimper as I smiled at my brother, clearly understanding my emotional distressed, “I’ll be back I promise, if I come back on time, I’m sure I can get back on time!” I went before I quickly left without leaving any room for them to say anything. I was already late and I knew I had a few minutes before they could change their mind about the decision, I knew the cost; I am not backing down from the agreement.

I ran a most of the blocks up to the main street, hoping to see the car anywhere in sight and gratefully it was there…

“You’re late,” he went as held his phone showing the time, “sorry,” I went, “it was hard to leave without being suspicious,” I went finally swallowing the lump that had been growing within my throat all day, “ready then?” I eyed him slightly showing signaling him about our agreement. Luckily he knew and held the phone towards me where he showed an account name and number where a transaction had been made, “10,000 as promised,” he went. I sighed a bit at ease now that I know and without another thought I walked passed him into the passenger side of the car while he began making his round to his side. “Any regrets kid?” he went as he put the key in the ignition, “other not saying a proper goodbye,” I eyed the direction where my family was, “no, I have no regrets.”