my life in entries.....

March 31, 1959 

Today is my 10th birthday, I am so excited. Hope I get some roller skates, been asking forever. My little sister and brother always get what they want, lots of toys. I got to spend the night at grandma's house, I like that because I'm the only kid there, grandma lets me help her bake, then I get to eat it.

She takes me home and there's lots of cars. I walk in to a shout of "happy birthday", school friends are inside my house, I'm so embarrassed, Carol Ann is here, she's rich. Everyone is in nice school clothes, I have to quickly change my clothes so we can open presents. What, Carol Ann's name is on gifts too, we are having a birthday party together, at my house, I have red cheeks, I'm not having fun. Mom has a new camera with bright lights, we have to move around for these pictures, I move lots. Carol Ann opens a gift, we all look, my opened gift is not as nice as her's. She opens another, it is the prettiest pair of roller skates. My gift is opened, it's a pair of roller skates too, with a key to tighten them onto my shoes, they are great, I smile big, I got the best present.

September, 1965

Can't believe it. My parents bought a ranch with a ugly little house on it. I've been helping dad tear down and rebuild a new house. Dad can't afford to hire help, I'm cheap labor. I just found out I have to change high schools, all my friends I grew up with are at the other school! I know no one here. I'm mad! How could they do this and not tell me this would happen.

May, 1966

I'm introduced to sister's of the brothers who are on the baseball team with my cousin, I have friends. Cousin Eddie is so cute, everyone also thinks so. I'm ask to hang out with the Song leaders and Yell leaders, They all ask me about Eddie, and give me phone numbers to give to him,. silly girls. 

March 31, 1968

Sonny, ask my dad if he could give me an engagement ring for my birthday, dad said yes! We went out for Italian dinner and he gave me the ring, I was surprised, we've only dated for maybe 9 months. I met him through my best friend, who had a crush on him, and wanted to date him. I was dating his best friend, Pete. Pete joined the Army to fight in Vietnam, he was shortly killed, by friendly fire, I don't understand what this meant, I miss him.

 Sonny and I were very sad, we talked a lot about Pete, we started dating, Lanetta stopped talking to me.

April 28, 1968

Dad changed his mind and told me to give the ring back, I eloped with Sonny. I'm married, can't even cook, I always helped dad around the ranch, not learning to cook. We had a friend of Sonny's over for beer, I don't like beer. I said something Sonny didn't find cool, he slapped me across the face, in front of his friend, I was humiliated, it hurt too.

January 9, 1977

Divorce in progress, can't take anymore beatings, always walking on egg shells, not knowing when he will hit me next. Called dad, come get us. Now a single mother with 2 girls, worried and scared. I cry a lot when they're asleep. 

July, 20, 1979

My girlfriend introduced me to a friend. Charming, great dancer, he has won many trophy's. He ask me on Valentines day if I'd marry him. I said yes! For my 30th birthday, my pregnancy test said "Congratulations".....he said he'd pay for an abortion, I said "don't let the screen door hit your ass on the way out"..... we're getting married tomorrow. 

January 2, 1983

Last June, at 2a.m.. I drove over to the house I was told his girlfriend lived. She did, his/my car was parked in the church parking lot, next door. Waited until after our planned vacation time, having spent much money, now back to our jobs, I confronted him. He again denied it.  I gave dates, places and times, he stopped the tears, asking what I planned to do! I knew it would take me some time to get money together, I opened a new bank account in my name, moved money over. Today, called dad for $200 loan for the fridge I needed for the house I rented and moved myself and 3 daughters, Happy 1983.....

May, 1986

I've put myself through College. Many part time jobs and I qualified for financial assistance as a single mom of 3. A hard time, but, I'm on the "Dean's list"...have several AS degrees, graduating College now, so proud of me. Also, a cute, very young kid, likes me....what am I thinking...not again!!!

July 21, 1992

He has ask me every year to marry him. I guess after 6 years, he is still here, he has proved many times to me he will be here....I finally said yes. Going to the Justice of Peace office for a quiet ceremony, even though we've been living together, it's frowned upon in the Sheriff's department if you're not married....yep, doing it again!

March 31, 1999

Happy birthday gift, 2 rare cancers in one tumor. 4.5 year survival rate on one of them....lost mom 3 years ago, cancer, dad 5 months ago to colon cancer....I went outside and walked in a stupor, I screamed at God..."what were you thinking, the C word scares the Hell out of me, You know this"!!!  He answered me,...."I have this, all will be fine"...I wasn't hearing things, it was a beautiful sounding, soft voice in my ear!!

November 17, 2004

He walks into the kitchen, Uniform still on, gun holstered at his side. "I've been giving this much thought. I've tried several things to help my depression, nothing has worked, I want a divorce"....turning from the stove, in disbelief, "what".....he waited for my 5 year "cancer free" time to pass before telling me, funny what thoughts pop into your mind....I suddenly can not rationalize anything...my heart stopped

September 2005

found out they opened 3 new stores in Oregon, called my Area Manager, she said go, pick one, it's mine...leaving California memories behind, excited, fresh start...

February 10, 2016

Phone rang, he was killed today, on the job. I always thought we'd get back together when he retired the law field. He is younger, I'm suppose to go first, this is so wrong.  I must go back home to say goodbye, I don't want to, but, something tells me I will regret it if I don't. My good friend says we'll take her car. This is so wrong, I must tell my youngest, he was the perfect step dad, she loves him...this is so hard, my heart hurts.  My sweet rescue Pit, Adele, is giving me many dogie hugs 

February, 2016

back from funeral, walked in my front door, called a lady Realtor, "I need comps for the neighborhood". I'm selling my house!  

Scott is never going to show up on my door step...time to move on, retire, find some enjoyment, life is so short.....

June 3, 2016

What was I thinking...haven't rented for decades. Answered that Ad on Craig's list for small apartment, 1.5 blocks from ocean in a town I've only drove through a couple of times in my life!!!  I've sold almost everything, said bye to many, made many 2.5 hour one way drives with the car overloaded with my stuff and Adele....I now have a start on my new life, I know no one except the landlady and 2 tenants at the cute apartments. I love it here.....ocean and my Adele

January 10, 2017

I have revived my old watercolors, painting again, designing clothing, meeting many creative types, I'm even in charge of the local Art Gallery, who knew!! I heard there was a new man, a known Pastel Artist, who would be giving classes at the Gallery. I love pastels and want to meet him, maybe sign up for his class. 

January, 2017

I met him, he thought me colorful, ask to see my art hanging in the show. He has an accent, Englishman from Huddersfield ,England, WOW, how fun. And he is single. Ask questions about bringing my own supplies to his upcoming Pastel class, he said yes!

I'm looking forward to this class. Love listening to him talk.

March 31, 2017

Couple of days ago he called, with info on an art board I had ask for. 

He then ask if I'd like to come by his home, see his studio, then do lunch at local Cafe. I thought it cute, who ask someone to see their etchings, especially as I am a 68 year old woman, he must be mid 70's, so cute. Didn't tell him it was my birthday til lunch.

How stupid to think of doing a relationship, again! Does getting old make you smarter, god I hope so!! This is silly....

June, 2019

I finally agreed to living together, no marriage, I believe in love though, and he is right, living together would save us both money and having a companion makes sense! 

We've combined both households into a new house we found. This place is 3 levels with "getting away" space. Almost changed my mind,,,moving in with someone after years of "by myself" is harder than I knew....almost fired him!! 

We agreed, top is "our" living area, kitchen, living room, dinning room/studio space for him. He has second level, master bedroom/bath, garage entry. I have the bottom with largest bed room, bathroom, laundry and second bedroom which will be my studio/sitting area, I fondly call it "the Dungeon" (which he hates). Each floor has a small balcony.  I love my new place!

We tried to be smart thinking of separate spaces for escape times!! We've both been married 3 times each, hopefully, we've learned some lessons...here's hoping...

November, 2019

They found breast cancer at my daughter's first mammogram.....I can't breathe.....

December, 2019

Why do they move so slowly, radiation is done, she made a choice to have a double mastectomy based on genetic testing, thank you mom, dad and others, plus ME....she has a high return risk....each child has gene markers too, I cry....

March 12, 2020

I booked a stay at the hotel close to the hospital, surgery is scheduled for 7am. I'm not sleeping, I'm afraid of missing the alarm. Found her room, with her daughter, laughing in her hospital room, waiting. We talk about the new Corona19 virus, talking about washing and sanitizing everything, hospital waiting room is not where I want to be, nor do I want her surgery in this hospital, but, can't wait any longer. Six hours later, Sidney and I get to see her...I braced myself.  She is so pale, but, joking with the nurses, laughing, which tells me she is anxious, nervous. I'm holding in my tears, I wish to take it all away...this is so unfair....is this the reason God left me here??  

April 6, 2020

Surreal world we live in.....total shut down ordered, stay home, stay safe, while we watch news reports of people dying in the world from this new virus. We check to see how close it is getting to our City, while watching television reports showing numbers climbing in every Country of the world. We wash, sanitize, glove/mask, hoping to avoid it.

Our entire life has been changed. My 71st birthday will always be one of "those memories".....Richard made me a special dish, he loves to cook, it was delic. Three daughters made a special live video phone call, singing me happy birthday, it was great to see all of their happy faces as they sang, off key!  happiness tear here....

We've learned to order groceries online, driving to the store to get them, then sanitize everything before bringing it inside the house. I am trying to get walks and sunshine each day, very important for my sanity. Luckily, I have many creative outlets right inside my studio. I was sick after the hospital surgery day, but, it went away. We started self isolation after I came home, not knowing, and not wanting to expose any of our friends, today is 25 days of our isolation....we are happy, worried and hopeful for our world, and watching hardly any news!!! We hug often, text or make phone calls to our children, lose tract of which day it is, connect with friends, answer texts asking how we are doing and worry about our single friends who live alone. Many things I once thought important are no longer on my mind. I'm not looking forward to the time I can again venture out, for fear of a relapse...times have changed in a blink of my eye!!