Maybe there was Never One

"I've got a plan."

Or maybe I never really did but when I said it, I knew this was gonna hurt me in the long run because I was helping him try to win another girl's heart. The look on his face was a relief but my face wasn't. I looked away when I told him. I know I should be happy for him but I was feeling selfish. He was the only guy that made me feel I was worth it. The only guy that would make sure I was feeling alright. When I was feeling down, he was always there with stupid ice cream and my favorite chocolates. Nobody seemed to get why I was still friends with him even though I like him. Evelyn doesn’t understand him like I do. Why can’t it be me instead?

"Are you sure? Evelyn might not take me to homecoming if this doesn't work and I would have to blame you for it." It took a lot to not grimace when he said her name. His cheeks were flushed that somehow hid his tiny freckles around his nose, and those green eyes, those damn eyes that were looking at me jokingly. The same green eyes that made me feel safe and protected and loved. The same eyes that gave me butterflies every single damn time I look at him, that I look up to. The same eyes that always take my breath away and would always be afraid that he had caught me looking at him many times. Will I still be able to look at those eyes again?

" Stop worrying so much Ethan. Or I'll just talk to her about how stupid and annoying you really are,"

"Katie.. don't actually say that." He nervously chuckled while I giggled. I missed those days when we would just joke around like this. Now, we hardly ever do it anymore, ever since Evelyn came into the picture. I knew the day they met, my eyes couldn't stop burning when I saw a spark happen between them. Glancing and trying to talk to each other until I had to ask her, 'Hey, my friend here thinks you're cute.' From that day on, there was never a day that I wouldn't see them hanging out and just laughing. The same routine that I and he used to do while walking around the campus. We barely hunged out, because he was always busy making plans with her. Could I really let go of him now? Then I remembered that we were still planning how to get Evelyn to accept Ethan's proposal for homecoming. I pictured how I would have to get Evelyn to try and give him a chance. How Ethan would then kneel on his right knee, with a banquet of red flowers on his right hand and his left hand on his left knee, and how I would be holding the poster that says,

'WILL YOU GO TO HOMECOMING WITH ME?'

Then I realized…

No, I could never let go.

" Earth to Katie," He waved his hand in front of my face, I blinked and noticed his scent, a cologne that I always find comforting, that I could never tire of it. Memories started coming all at once triggered by the smell. Whenever those rainy days come, I always have him to fall asleep on. I can sense him and feel the warmth coming from him. Those hot chocolate drinks we’d shared since we were kids up until now. When we would prank the younger kids during Halloween because we already ate all of our candies. Where we would help each other whenever we were interested in this one person. I’m helping him this time, right..?

" I'm sorry, are you ok? We've been planning this for weeks and you haven't seemed yourself. You can talk to me about anything. You’ve been kinda distant ever since we started planning on this."

"No, yeah, I'm fine. Let's just get this over with so that you can get your future girl.”

"Yeah, but you don't have to do this you know. It was my idea to do this anyway. Lately, you've been busy but thanks for clearing up your schedule for this."

"It's fine. You've helped me so many times. It's the least I can do to help you." Even if I was busy, I'll still help you. Even if you need my help, I'll still help you no matter what. I need this plan to work so I can finally move on from you because I know after this, I've lost you. So I can finally think that you're not the one for me because you're the only thing I think about. So I can finally think for myself because you are always my first priority. But I can't think of those thoughts. I've fallen in too deep. All for love, right?

"Yeah, It's fine. I need to get Jack to help me set it up. I'll see you tomorrow. Thank you so much for helping me."

"Alright, I'll talk to Evelyn."

I knew as soon as he left the room, I'd lost him. I'm not like Evelyn. She's not the one I hate though. It's Ethan that I hated. I hated Ethan for making me feel this way. Making me feel like I'm running in circles with nowhere to go but keep running until I can find a way out. I hated him because he made me think I had a chance with him when really, I never did. I hated all those moments that made me fall for him more. I hate his dimples whenever he smiles and I would just fall ten times harder. I hate how his eyes would shine whenever he plays with kids that made me think about what it would be like if we had kids together. I especially hated him for making me feel this way because now, I can't stop. Maybe there was never really a plan, to begin with.