How to Run a Secret Society

Great! You have finally admitted that you want to do this. 

The most important thing to do first is to remember that you have good reasons for starting your own society. These reasons will come out as you develop your own society and try to add members to the group. 

You should first keep all of the information on what you want from your society in a notebook. Not just any notebook. Maybe one of the notebooks that you are addicted to buying every time you pass through the local mall and stop at the dollar store for a chance to see if there is anything you need (not really necessary, but you make this a habit). Also, a pen, or a set of pens, some candy, nuts, and a case to hold the notebook if you are going to do this (you will need to keep things secure). You can never really tell if someone else will want to take this information or know more about your plans.

Develop a secret handshake (nothing too complicated or silly). Use your own code words when you meet (passwords are fun to use and maybe it can be an entire phrase). Wear an item of clothing that will clearly show your allegiance. Have scheduled meetings that you can all attend (week-ends are clearly better). And make sure that you are recording all of this when you have decided on these steps.

Hold meetings and make sure to keep track of the minutes. Do not let members of your own family distract you from your mission. Let your mother know that you are busy when you are holding meetings on an arranged schedule. Accept her laughter as a sign that you are doing something important that cannot be understood by regular society. Ignore your brothers’ comments about how you need to get out of the house more often. Do not respond to their questions about finding a girlfriend. Do not bother with locking your door when they want to continue with these questions (they will not be discouraged by this obstacle). Do not be discouraged by the fact that you are the only one attending these meetings and that your brothers wonder if you have truly ‘lost your shit this time’. They are not privy to the importance of these talks.

Understand that meetings are not always important. Find time to deal with problems that are not in the home. Be clear about the lack of friends nearby and the ones who only appear online. Note that you may not always have members in your group available to accept being a part of this society. Open your mind to the idea that these other members do not need to be in touch to be a part of a group. Note that you do not have many responses to your requests for information from these others. Your mother and brothers are already quite aware of this and will not let it pass. Just be sure to keep a clear list.

Take time to review your work. This is the work you do outside of the home for the money you need to keep the group running. Make sure you show up on time for all of that work and do not let it slip just because you now have your secret society. Listen to your boss before you give a response. Keep your work area clean even if it is not really your responsibility. Deal with the cooking utensils and other tools as if they were your own property. Do not ask about your pay stub or the fact that your boss wants you to work an extra shift this coming Saturday. You could use the money to support your erstwhile activities.

You will be tempted to invite certain people into your secret society. You will be tempted to invite her into the group. She may be open to the idea of being a part of the group if you actually approach her and talk to her for once in your life and are not too scared to make your feelings known. Your professional feelings, of course. She is always friendly when you step to the counter and she remembers your order (cortado; cheese danish). The fact that you make her laugh will also be a temptation. Make sure that the date you go on is just to discover her true feelings about your work. The month you are together might lower your defences. Your family will notice the change and actually like her. You should still consider her as a possible member.

Realize that you may not need a secret handshake or phrases if there are no other members in your group besides yourself. Understand that your boss is not the most open-minded person in the world and that you will have to work on those week-ends. Know that you do not resent this because that means you will be able to spend more time with her, at least on breaks when you know that she will be free and you can take another cortado and danish (maybe not cheese this time; you are getting a little heavier and that could be a problem even if she does not mention it). Listen to your family’s observations about you and your new behaviour with a smile and accept that they may actually understand what you were trying to achieve.

Accept also that they may – even your brothers – have advice that you can use. Acknowledge that she is now as important to you as anyone in the family and admit this to her when you are on a break at work (your boss will not really mind; he can notice these things when he tries). Know that you should not be surprised at all by the lack of members in your group. Do not wonder why you cannot remember the last time you had a girlfriend since meeting this new one (or is it first one?). Hold the final meeting of your secret society and realize that you do not need to keep a record of the minutes. Understand that the secret handshake is now a private joke between you and her. Know that the secret passwords you share will never be spoken by anyone else without their own special group.