PARADOX

All inspiration comes from Source, my spirit whispered in the silence of my gaze.

C'mon, of course not. Just try a little harder, my ego-self screamed as I stared into nothingness struggling to find the motivation to pursue my long lost passion. 

Until that moment, when all heaven broke loose.

No, literally... That fateful day, the Universe's database had crashed. 

My daughter had just fallen asleep in my arms, as we listened to the heavy downpour of rain droplets knocking on our windows. With darkness around and her asleep, I found myself spiraling into the heaviness hidden behind my otherwise cheerful disposition. Don't judge a book by its cover, they say. I let a few teardrops run down my cheeks.

Until she startled me, "Mama, is it raining inside?! There are raindrops on my hand!"

I quickly covered it up with a smile and hushed her back to sleep. Luckily she couldn't see through, partly because it was dark and partly because I had become an expert in managing how I showed up myself. After all, the face is the index of the mind, they say. And I slowly walked into the living room. 

Exhausted after stretching my writing muscle for more than 12 hours non-stop, I needed a refresher. I had always been a night person.

Music? Talk to a friend? Movie? Although I couldn't afford one right away, was it time I hired a coach to mend the growing frustration in me? There's no such thing as a free lunch, they said. So I wondered what best to do.

Until I looked out of the window. 

I made myself a cup of tea and walked into the balcony. Nature had always given me the best company and healing. Vast grey sky, still drizzling and cold breeze. The pathway in front of me lit up with street lights, and crickets hovering around the lights as if they were putting up a show just for me. After all, the best things in the world are free, they say. Easy-peasy I got lost in the stillness of the night sky.

Until I was left baffled on suddenly noticing a plethora of images skimming through the sky. Hundreds of them. Like the photos on X-Ray films. 

What was that?! Was I dreaming? Or imagining?!

In the blink of my eyes, the images were gone and the sky returned to its plainness. Or maybe it was my mind returning to its senses, who knows? I ignored it and went back to enjoying the nature around.

Until I saw them again...! A stream of snaps floating in the sky. Like some cryptic messages floating on a computer screen. This time, no mistake. No, they were not clouds making baby or angel shapes. Not thunders. Not something I knew of.

What was that? I kept pondering.

Until I was struck with the image of a glass vase. Why does it feel so familiar?

How could it not be? It was an esoteric piece that I painted and gifted my first love long ago. He moved to another country a few months later, but that wasn't a reason for me to doubt if the relationship could succeed. Absence makes the heart grow fonder they said, and so I thought too.

Until accidentally, the glass vase fell off the shelf and got shattered into pieces just a few minutes before we finally decided to part ways. Long-distance didn't work for us and days of struggle to mend things went futile. After all, out of sight out of mind, they say. In the process of healing and letting him go, I wrote my first best selling story titled The Glass Vase.

With some crazy success stories following, I started writing full-time. My motto was, write to win - both hearts and the numbers. And I told myself nothing would stop me. Man creates his destiny they said. And I couldn't agree more.

Until I hit my first rejection. With just a handful of them, I let my passion slip away. While I once had almost anything under the Sun inspire me to write, I now found nothing interesting enough. And I set out to look for alternate career paths. After all, God has a plan for each of us, they say. Maybe I was not meant to be a writer.

Now, this was it! I knew those images were data bits that gave inspiration to mankind. They were the images that would flash aha moments to us humans. There was a data breach. 

The Creator's database had crashed! God's mysterious data was out in the open. 

I hastened to cash in on this before God got to fix this issue. After all, his support team would have already been on it! 

I tried to grab a few more images a.k.a lightbulb moments to recreate my long lost success, but I couldn't see the images all the time. I wore my glasses, washed my eyes again, but no use. There sure was some password to it. A way to access them.

A couple of frantic tries and I was close to giving up. After all, how could I attempt to find a loophole in God's system and cash in on that? I resigned.

Until I raised my head to say bye. Lo, I saw them again! 

I figured out I had to tune into stillness. I was drawn to the image of a big fat hen this time. And I knew what I had to write. Obesity. I almost grabbed my pen and paper to put things down.

Until my insecurities took over. 

My story would be great, but would I win? What is Jim writing about? What if he had a better story? How about trying to hack his lightbulb moment? 

Everything is fair in love and war they said. And this was my war with Jim, for he had always been my strongest contender. 

I tried to see if I could figure out his password. Although I could see thousands of images floating around in the sky, I was sure only those images that were meant for me struck a chord with me. Those not meant for me remained just random images. I tried harder and harder to crack it open.

Until my integrity stepped in. No, I couldn't do this. After all, honesty is the best policy they say.  

Writing after so long felt extremely nostalgic. Where had I been all this time? I was merciless about winning. No wonder, if winning is not important, then why to keep scores they said. I gave up writing, fearing failure.

Until the Universe stepped in to give me a nudge. Maybe I could still write. After all, the woods would be silent if only the best birds sang, they say. 

But then again, am I good enough? Or am I not good enough to be the best? I kept alternating in the hope of arriving at a logical conclusion.

Until I finally decided to put the thoughts to rest and rephrased my motto to write; write to delight - delight myself and my readers. After all, The way of paradoxes is the way of truth they say.