The Endless Rain

The darkness is a scary thing. Don’t you think so? 

...A dream from the past…

no…

a memory from a time long forgotten…

I could hear it…

I could hear the sound of the heavy rain falling outside. It was pouring so hard. It was a if someone left the faucet on and the water kept on gushing out non stop, continuously...endlessly. It made me feel as if I was drowning in the tub again…

I tried to open my eyes, but my eyelids feel heavy. I felt so tired and sick. My whole body was aching and in pain. It felt cold. So very cold. I tried opening my eyes once more. My room was dark and the curtains were drawn. I listened attentively but other than the sound of the rain outside, my house was in complete silence. It was in deep slumber and I knew that no matter how much I called out, it would not wake and have the warmth it once did. But still I…

“Sa...Sarah.” 

I called out in a voice I didn’t recognize as my own, hoarse and broken. It hurt when I tried to swallow and it felt scratchy. I called out once more, then again, and again, and again. I must have called her out so much and loudly that I could no longer make any sound come out of my mouth. 

My voice was gone. 

I lay there in silence under the cover of my dark blue sheets. Only once, just once if she would have looked at my note on the table, or go to my room, to tell me that she was going out. Just once, she could have stayed home instead of being out all the time when I’m at home. Just once, she could have even just stayed in her room and come to my room for a bit to check up on me, or look after me for even a little while. 

Just once...just...be a little sister to me...please I…

A cold wet liquid slid down my face and I lifted this unknown right hand up towards my face. It was a tear. I was crying.

More tears started to pour down my face and at that point, I was sobbing and screaming. I was crying so hard that I started to cough and choke on my own saliva and tears. I finally had to start calming myself down by taking deep breaths or I was going to become hysterical. One thing I was grateful for was that the pouring rain outside drowned all my thoughts and screaming and no one else could hear my cries for help. I was utterly alone and that was terrifying. I didn’t mind being alone every day since Sarah couldn’t care less about me but...today, when I feel so helpless and weak, I wish...someone was by my side...to take care of me...even though it should be the other way around. I don’t want anyone to see this weak side of mines…

“If only...if only I could just die and not suffer living like this anymore...if only I...please someone...help me…”

But no one ever did come...not until the next day. Not until the sun came out and started to warm up the earth and erase the tears that fell to the earth. To cover it up like it never existed and I followed in the sun’s footsteps. 

I awoke with a single ray of light streaming through a gap in the curtains and landing near me on the pillow. I lifted a limp hand and touched it but I couldn’t feel its warmth. I could only see the light and never feel the warmth it gives off. My face along with the rest of my body was cold and wet.

“Is this what it’s like to lie in a grave? Surrounded by the cold and darkness while the world outside basks in the warm light. I can never go to that side can I?” 

As if on cue, a cloud must have passed over the sun and the small circle of light that was next to me slowly faded to nothing and with it...I closed my eyes once more and returned to an endless dream filled with nothingness… 

Do you know the feeling of sinking into nothingness? To know that there is no ground or surface below your feet. It’s terrifying. The feeling of falling. Falling and never knowing when it will end. As someone who is terrified of heights, I can assure you, it’s the absolute worst. You can’t think properly or hear the sound of anything but your heart beating at an erratic rate that it just might burst. 



Rather than it feeling as if I was just falling, it felt more as if someone or something was pulling me down. Down into the endless abyss. If this was Netherworld, then so be it. I knew I would end up here eventually, so why not make it now. I never did really belong in the light. Oh how I wished countless times that I could dance and play amongst them all in that beautiful light, but...I can’t, for I have sinned. My hands are stained in the blood of innocent lives. I have been scarred by the death of my parents. My precious father and mother who I could not save. It’s my fault that they're gone. That they're dead and yet...yet I cannot do a single thing about it but keep falling into this nightmare.

Eventually I end up waking in what appears to be the bottom of this emptiness. Laying on a thin sheet of ice and staring up at dark, gray clouds. Ugly and cruel clouds that mock and shame me. Words of hate and rage come out of them and I know where they're from. My relatives, friends and others who loved and adored my parents. All scorned me for my parents death. I have been lamented as a child undeserving of their love or care. But I just took it all in. all their hatred and anger. I couldn’t feel anything. Nothing at all. There must be something wrong with me. It was as if I was a broken doll that could only stare away at the outside world. It was true though. I was broken. Broken beyond repair. But then, I started to feel a strong sense of emotion. It was only when...I heard one of the clouds, saw a memory from the past that will forever more replay its tune on a broken recorder. The voice belonged to Sarah and she was wearing all black. It was on the day of the funeral. A day which was very similar to the one right now.

“It’s all your fault...I wish, it had been you instead of them.” 

And then the broken doll without a heart and felt no emotions, began to cry. She started to cry and the dark clouds too started to shed their rain. I was the one who lost it all. My family, my friends, and my very meaning for existence. I remained there in that darkness and let the endless rain drown me once again.