How the Beautiful Princess Ditched her Prince Charming at the Movies

Content Warning: Language

You know how elementary school teachers always tell you to start your paper with an interesting fact to hook your reader? Okay, good, ‘cause that’s what I’m about to do.

When bald eagles find a potential suitor, they perform a well-known ritual to earn the trust and respect of their partner. Grasping the talon of the other, both eagles let themselves spin crazily towards the earth, only to let go at the last second. If they succeed, then the relationship continues, but if they don’t… well…

Right now, I’m feeling kind of like the eagle that failed the romantic death spiral.

Not only do I look like I collided with the ground at a hundred miles an hour, but I also tried and failed to capture the heart of a cute girl I met a few days ago.

Hey, she dated me for a few days, at least.

And now she’s flipping her ponytail and stalking out of the theater several steps ahead of me, making it very clear that I am dirt compared to her.

How, I hear you ask, did such an underdog like me end up dating such a popular and good-looking girl like Bianca? Well, it’s an uplifting story of how the dorkiest kid at school did a very brave thing and stood up for himself when he was being bullied, winning the praise of all his peers and one particular girl…

I’m kidding.

I actually have a friend who convinced Bianca that I have a really hot older brother, and that if she dated me, she might be able to get close to him.

As you may have guessed, she found out while we were watching the movie that I don’t actually have said hot brother, and she dumped me.

The conversation went a little like this:

We were walking out of the theater, and Bianca asked if the hot hero in the movie was anything like my charming brother. 

“Why yes,” I’d stammered, “he looks almost exactly like my older brother.”

Unfortunately, the teen who worked at the ticket booth overheard my bragging and laughed. Now, don’t get me wrong. Lauren was my babysitter when I was younger, and she’s a really great person, but she’s terrible when it comes to not lying.

“Harvey doesn’t have an older brother!” Lauren said when Bianca gave her a weird look, “he’s an only child!”

Bianca turned her weird look on me, and it looked like her face might explode. She was madder than a cat that had been thrown out in the pouring rain and then dunked in a fifty-foot swimming pool and then rubbed down with citrus-scented soap (cats hate citrus). Sorry, do you need me to dumb it down a little?

She looked really, really, really fucking mad.

And it was me that she was mad at.

Also my friend, probably, but his punishment would come later. I was the closest one to her now, so I would have to face the entirety of her wrath.

I will now take some time to explain the movie we went to see and how it came about.

No, it’s not for plot development and suspense. I just don’t feel like talking about my depressing downfall quite yet, so I’m stalling.

It all started when I decided to do the romantic move of asking Bianca out to a movie, one that would remind her how amazing I am and that she should keep dating me instead of prying about my brother. I was running out of excuses for why she never got to see him.

So, I picked out [insert movie name here], that had the basic hero-saves-hot-princess plot that would give Bianca the message loud and clear. If she ever became a damsel in distress, I would be more than willing to save her and win her heart.

She didn’t look super thrilled about it, but she said yes when I promised to buy the tickets and the popcorn.

The actual viewing was uneventful. Except for the time when I tried to hold her hand during the emotional part, and she swatted me away with a murderous glare. And the time when she got up to go to the bathroom and missed the first half-hour of the film. And when she came back with a soda and told me I’d also be paying for that. But other than that, the first part of my first date was a success!

And then Lauren had to come in and ruin everything.

What did you say? It’s my fault?

You’re just jealous. All I did was lie to Bianca. This situation is entirely Lauren’s fault. It’s her fault for eavesdropping, and her fault for butting into the conversation. It’s her fault that she was even at the movie theater in the first place.

I bet Lauren is actually a supervillain. She’s probably being paid to ruin my life.

Maybe I should try to make a movie out of it.

How the Beautiful Princess was Tricked by the Wicked Witch and Saved by the Handsome and Valiant Prince.

Hm. Might have to work on that title. Don’t think it’ll fit on the posters.

Well, anyway, Bianca’s wrath turned out to be a bunch of high-pitched shrieking about how I was an awful person who lied to defenseless women like her and how I was a criminal that should be locked away for taking advantage of her.

Then she smacked me with her long-fingernailed hand and walked away.

Actually, flounced is a better word. I watched her with tears in my eyes, not because I was sad or anything but just because she’d just smacked me and my eyes were watering. She stalked out the big glass doors and was gone in a second.

My one chance at fame and popularity.

I walked over to the desk and bought myself another ticket and a gigantic bucket of popcorn with butter.

Putting Bianca out of my mind, I went back into the theater to enjoy a movie. Without worrying about how my breath smelled or if I was chewing with my mouth closed. Without wondering where Bianca had gone and why she wasn’t coming back from the bathroom.

It was a good movie.