Underground Year

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. Breathtaking views of crimson waves rolled in front of me and crisp air filled my lungs with a deep inhale. The sky was dim and the sun was melting over the trees and in that moment everything stopped. I slowly turned behind me and faced the bunker I had just pulled myself out of. How long had I been here? The scene surrounding me didn’t match the snow covered hills I saw before...before...before what? What happened to me? Had I spent an entire year out here, or more? I peered inside the bunker and for the first time I realized how small the space was that had been home to me for all these months. My eyes flickered to the corner of the room where a red sticky liquid even deeper than the leaves outside, trickled towards the middle of the room. I had to get out of there.

 My bare feet felt most of the brunt as I ran down the hill towards what exactly, I wasn't sure. The events that had taken place just minutes ago were flashing through my head so clearly it was hard to see the ground in front of me. My breathing quickened and then caught when my branch wrapped around my ankle and brought me right back to the ground where I started. I didn’t get up. The sun has set and I will be out of light very soon. The idea of sitting with the leaves until the sun rose again seemed to be my only option. I wanted to cry but nothing came out, just wide eyes taking everything in before all I could see was darkness once again. I prayed aloud for the first time in such a painfully long time. I begged for forgiveness for the act I had committed but I knew that I had no other choice. I am alive today because of it and it wasn’t an easy way out. It was the only way out.

I don’t know when I dozed off but my eyes shot back open as soon as I heard the crunch of leaves approaching me. “It’s an animal, it’s an animal” I repeated in my head trying to convince myself. The truth is I knew I had been caught and I hadn't been so lucky to be found by something nonhuman. What twisted thoughts, wishing an animal would make me their prey rather than face another man in the dark. I closed my eyes as tight as they would go and curled myself into the smallest ball hoping I would just disappear, but I had no such luck. The crunching got closer and closer and closer until all I could hear was deep breathing standing over me. There was a long pause and in an instant I was in the air, only being held up by my frail arm. I screamed as loud as I could but it was surprisingly quiet. I felt pathetic once again, once again the victim and this time even worse. I had committed a murder and I was going to pay for it.

I don’t know how long I was pulled through the dirt and leaves. My concept of time wasn't the best, all I knew was that my body was a bloody mess and I didn’t need light for that. My thoughts slowed down and I realized that I was captured once again. Square one. All I had were my thoughts for all those months and I tried to remember my family and my home so that I would not forget a detail of them. I had such hope of escaping and making it back to them one day. I wonder how long they looked for me. I wonder if they had a funeral. I wonder if my mother's terrible thoughts at night surpassed what was actually my reality. Now I wish for nothing more than a spotless memory. It hurts too much to remember my old life and to imagine the hell my family has faced since my abduction. When we finally ended our journey I was surprised to find that I was not back at the bunker but rather we were approaching a giant house with many lights on. As we approached the house he let go of my arm. I could feel the blood running through my limb once again and the pins and needles were almost unbearable. He shoved me through a side door of the house and stood behind me, shoving me through hallways until we reached a bathroom. “Bathe” and then a slammed door in my face is what I was met with. I looked around stunned at the luxury of this bathroom. A plush white towel waited for me and honestly, I jumped right into that shower. Letting the warm water rinse all of the dirt and disgusting memories the last months had accumulated. I ran my fingers through my hair not believing how long it was and I began working out the tangles. Where am I? Does this person know who I am? Am I in danger? 

 Steamed rolled when I opened the door and I was met with a smell straight from heaven. Food. I had only been given enough food to keep me alive and the smell of this meal, whatever it was, had my mouth watering like never before. I held my towel tight around me and peeked down the hallway. The man turned around the corner and I was shocked at how young he seemed. “There’s a change of clothes in the room to your right”. I slowly approached the room, shocked again that it was a normal bedroom. I put on the large t-shirt and sweatpants that hung off of me like a child. I looked at the side door of the house where we entered and counted each lock slowly. 11. I definitely wasn't leaving this house by my own will. I followed the smell of food to a large kitchen and was met with a table set for 2. He sat down and looked at me deep in my eyes. “Eat” I didn’t hesitate. I shoveled the food into my mouth like this was the last meal I would ever get. As far as I knew that was a complete possibility. I ate myself sick. I sat there stuffed and he was just watching me. The silence was deafening. It broke when he said very sternly “You killed my father”. My stomach dropped and everything inside of it wanted to resurface. He didn’t look angry or sad, just very matter of factual. “I had too” I spit out. “I know” he responded quickly and slid his chair out from the table. He grabbed our plates and put them in the sink. What is going on here? I couldn’t think of one scenario that made sense. He slowly sat again and I could tell he was calculating his words.

 “You were abducted with the intention to be trafficked. My father had an infatuation with you and decided to keep you for himself. He was a deeply evil man and intertwined me into this life I never wanted to be a part of. I didn’t have a choice. Until now. You killed the man who has taken so much from us. Something I never found the nerve to do.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t believe that I believed him. He continued, “My father checked on you every evening and when he didn’t return tonight I went to check on him. When I learned his fate I had no choice but to find you before you found the public. When you are freed this entire operation will be blown up.” My heart began to beat again. Freed? He was planning on freeing me? “There are women hidden all over our property at this very moment, awaiting shipment. I want to end all of this...I don’t want to live the life of crime my father has left behind for me.” I heard every word he was saying but not a single response came to mind. I wanted freedom so badly, did I want it bad enough to trust this man who had let all these unspeakable things go on? Do I blame him? I was in no mindset to make that decision but with the thought of being free ringing through my mind I replied “I will help you.” He smirked, “Yes, you will. You don’t really have a choice. You will let me take the credit for killing my father and you will be the witness in that it was done in defense. You will testify for me and in turn you will be brought to your family.” Thoughts of my family filled my mind and my heart. I couldn’t even fathom how it would feel to be back with them. To be back in my home, to sleep in my bed, to hear all the memories I could not share with them. I wanted it more than anything and once again I was not going to take the easy way out, which was death at this point, but I would take the only way out. “Yes, I will lie for you. Anything to be with my family again.”

   The next morning the man, whose name I never asked, told me the story that I had to repeat to him over and over until every word was stained into my mind. I said it so many times I began to forget what had actually happened, which was that I took a life. What would have been the cost of letting him live? When he made me and so many other women feel like death was the only escape they had. Before I knew it, the police were spread all over the property, bursting through the doors of every room in the house. I was separated from the man but I still felt the fear he had invoked in me to tell the story he taught me. I told it until I was blue in the face. I was taken from the house and to a hospital nearby, still not sure exactly where I was. My voice cracked “How long have I been missing?” a year. One year of not seeing anyone other than my abuser. One year without seeing the sun or the moon or feeling a breeze. I missed every birthday, every holiday and all while being stuck in a hole in the ground. I was severely malnourished. I had broken ribs, a body covered in bruises that even I did not recognize. Looking in the mirror was heart wrenching. “My family, please find them.”

   What seemed like an eternity later I was woken from my slumber by the soft voice of a nurse. “Anna, your family is here to see you.” Tears welled in my eyes and for the first time in a very long time I began to cry. I smiled, something I thought I forgot how to do. Nothing can describe the feeling of seeing my family when days before I knew I would never see them again. My mother grabbed my face and kissed me over and over, my dad with his hand on mine to make sure I was really there. My sister rushed in moments later and fell to the floor beside me. In that moment the loneliness I had felt all this time seemed imaginary. Love was being poured into my empty body and I felt a part of the world again. I was alive. I couldn't believe it, but I had made it. Skin and bones with baggage I will never put down, but I am alive. What a gift.

   The police had many questions for me and with my family by my side I felt safe enough to tell my truth. I had been sexually, emotionally and physically abused by a man who abducted me a year before while walking to my car. He kept me isolated from the world underground in a bunker and every day I didn’t know if that would be my last. I told them how I spent most moments that he wasn't there trying to break apart anything in my room to make a weapon and any other was spent staring hopelessly, wondering what fate had been decided for me when I didn’t come home from work that night. I told them about my abuser's son and the girls that were being trafficked. I answered every question truthfully even when it felt like it was killing me.

   It has been a year passed the day I was freed. No amount of therapy or support from loved ones will wash away the abuse that I endured. I have a new immeasurable love for the people around me. My family hugs me a hundred times a day. My dog sleeps with me every night. I will never forget the things that have happened to me but I am so thankful to be alive to share my story. I have connected with so many girls who have been through similar things as I, and using my voice to raise awareness of trafficking is something I will never stop doing. Sometimes I wonder how my abuser got so lucky to be killed instead of facing what he had done. I forgive myself for what I have done and I will stand against victim blaming with my last breath. Never take the life you have for granted. Evil lurks around corners we don’t expect and before you know it your world could be forever changed. Speak for your mothers, sisters and friends. Stand up for those who don’t have a voice, because yours can still be heard.