The Campaign Speech

“Senator Bering! Thank you so much for coming to my event! It’s such an honor to have your support.”

“Of course, Jessica! When I heard that you were running for the Wisconsin House Seat, I had my people on the phone right away. ‘That sweetheart was my best speechwriter!’ I told my staff. ‘We need to get her into that seat!’ I had ‘em call your campaign office right away. Took a while to hear back from them, to be honest. You might need to check and see if they’re really doing their jobs! Hohoho… If I didn’t know better, I’d say you didn’t want me here.”

“It’s Melissa. And thank you so much. Honestly, I’m a little surprised that you remember me so fondly. It seemed that you never cared much for the speeches I wrote. You never stuck to the script.”

“Oh, Jessica. Hahahaha. You know that’s just my style. It’s nothing personal. You know my mind has a tendency to wander and my tongue to ramble.”

“Oh, I’m well aware, Sir. Speaking of, have you given any thought to what you plan to say tonight?”

“Don’t you go getting your panties in a bunch, Jessica. This ain’t one those stiff speeches like you used to write for me. I’m gonna do this one my way. You’re gonna thank me soon.”

“Any chance you’d like to talk it over beforehand? I’ve done a lot since I left your office… what was that… 12 years ago? If you’d like to go over any of that, I’d be happy to …”

“You always did worry a lot now didn’t ya, Michelle. Well you just leave it to me. I’ve been at this for a day or two you know. And has it been that long? Well I’ll say, Jessica, Aging has treated you just fine. Your husband is a lucky man. “

“My wife, sir. But that’s beyond the point. There are a few talking points that my campaign has worked up and we’d really appreciate it if you could work those in tonight. We’re trying to emphasize the work that I did in Wisconsin to improve access to affordable housing. I’d like to scale that Nationally.”

“Well aren’t you a busy bee? Well take it from me. Nobody wants some wonky lady goin’ up there and putting the crowd to sleep. No siree. You go up there and start talking about House Bill this and Resolution that and it’s a sure fire road to Loserville. What you need is a story. You got a story, Rachel?”

“It’s Melissa.”

“Ms. Knudson. Would you mind if I pull you away from Senator Bering for just a moment? Hello, Senator Bering. It’s an honor having you here.”

“Of course, Hannah. Senator, Bering, this is my campign manager, Hannah Chu. I’ll only be a moment. I do want to shore this speech up a bit more…”

“Oh, don’t you mind me. You ladies go on and have your little chat.”

“Ms. Knudson. First, let me apologize. We did our best to keep him away from this event. He would NOT take ‘no’ for an answer. I know his favorability ratings are in the toilet. We’re going to need to do some damage control.”

“Oh, I know Senator Bering’s persistence all too well. I’m sure that you did all you could, Hannah. I’m pretty sure his entire political career is founded on being too stubborn to understand when to quit.”

“Well, it certainly wasn’t his charm. Or his intellect. There's been controversy after controversy with his office. Having him appear at this event could create some serious issues. We need to come up with a way to distance you from him without making it too obvious. As unpopular as he is, he still has a lot of sway. The last thing we need is him feeling slighted and working against you.”

“I’m well aware of the situation we’re in. I think we need to limit his ti…”

“Well my my you ladies do love to talk. Gonna just leave me hanging over here, aren’t ya. That’s the problem with your generation. No respect for your elders. Ya’d think the two of you were the first people on earth ever to run a campaign the way you carry on. All while you’ve had an expert on the subject just falling into your lap, ready to make sure they hand that House seat right over to you. . You’d think you’d be more appreciative. You’re welcome, by the way, Cassandra”

“It’s Melissa.”

“Senator, is that your fifth gin and tonic tonight?”

“Well I’ll be damned, Ms. Hoity Toity Campaign Manager. If you don’t think you’re something else. You have all of the charm of my third wife. Counting my drinks just like she did. Well you don’t worry your pretty little head about it. I’m just loosening up. You’ve got to understand my process.” 

“It’s just that after that whole DUI story that was across the news last month, we hardly need you slurring your speech or staggering up the stage. You know the media will jump all over that.”

“They can go ahead and lick my balls is what they can do. They should be so lucky. Those charges are being dropped as we speak.”

“That’s charming, Sir. Can we please discuss Ms. Knudson’s platform? We’d really love it if you could stick to the talking points.”

“Aint nobody ever won a campaign going with some stick up the ass talking points. You ladies sure are lucky I’m here. You were about to ruin this thing before it got going.”

“Oh dear… Ms. Knudson. That’s the music. They’re about to start.”

“Senator Bering. They’re going to call you out onto the stage just after Governor Perillo makes some opening remarks. Please, feel free to keep things short and sweet. Leave them wanting more”

“Oh, I always leave a lady wanting more. If ya know what I mean…”

“Hannah, Are you ready to cut the mike at 1 minute 30 seconds?”

“Don’t worry, Ms. Knudson. It’s handled.”

“What are you ladies whisperin’ about…”

“WELCOME! SENATOR BERING!”

“Welp, I guess that’s my cue!

“Ladies and Gentlemen. It’s an honor to be here to support Melissa Knudson. I can think of no candidate better suited to represent the Fourth District of Wisconsin. Melissa came to me fresh out of Yale Law School where she made her mark as not only a fantastic scholar but a tremendous citizen. 

I was graced with her intellect and vision and most notably, her patience, when she came to work for me as a speech writer over a decade ago. Since then, she went on to surpass my expectations, doubling the number of affordable housing units available in Wisconsin as the founder and executive director of Housing Action Wisconsin. 

I have no doubt that through her tireless efforts, she will do what so many think is unthinkable in politics – she will get stuff done. 

I know that I’ve had more than my share of issues while I’ve been in office. The country is sick of the likes of me. As they should be. We need a refresh. I have never met anyone with the integrity, honor and dedication that come so naturally to Candidate Knudson. She is our future. I am proud to offer her my support. But enough from me. Lets hear from the candidate herself. Ladies and Gentlemen… Future Congresswoman Melissa Knudson.”

“Sir. That was… wonderful. Thank you so much.”

“You thought I was going to fuck it all up, didn’t ya Maria. What kind of favor would that be?”