Monster

There’s a monster in our house.

I can hear it roaring from my room. I don’t know why it roars but it sounds very angry. I’m hot with the blanket pulled over my head but I’m still shaking like it’s cold. Sweat drips off the end of my nose. I lick my lips and taste the salt there – it’s like I’ve been eating fries. It’s late but I haven’t eaten dinner yet. Mum told me and Bella to go to our room when the gravel crunched and the door banged. That’s the sound that tells us the monster is here.

It’s not usually angry during the day and sometimes we don’t see it at all in the morning. I think that maybe it sleeps. Mummy says we have to be very careful to be good and quiet. In the morning we’re only allowed to play in the front yard. We’re not allowed to make any noise out the back. I do what she says because I don’t want to wake it up. But that’s okay because the tyre swing and the tree house are in the front yard and that’s our favourite place to play.

I don’t think the monster was always with us. It’s like it wasn’t there and then the next day it was. We used to live in a big house near the park. It was fun and safe there. Then we moved after my 9th birthday but before Christmas and things were different. I didn’t get as many presents as the year before, Bella and I had to share a room because our house was smaller, and there was a monster in it.

Even though mummy always tells me and Bella to go to our room when the monster’s around, I see it sometimes when I need to go to the bathroom. I even crept out once when I didn’t need to go. Please don’t tell her! 

The monster’s big. It has a red nose, hairy arms and smells like the adult dessert mummy says I’m not allowed to eat at Christmas. It looks familiar but I don’t know why. I feel like I’ve seen it before.

It roars … a lot. Sometimes, like now, I hear it when I’m under my blankets with my hands covering my ears. Mummy is out there and sometimes I hear her too. She sounds so brave standing up to the monster but I don’t think it’ll work. The princess is always trapped by the monster, everyone knows that.

On Bella’s seventh birthday, there was another sound. The monster roared, mummy shouted and then came what I think was a clap followed by a thud of something hitting the ground, almost like when I dropped the basketball inside once but louder. It was a strange sound but mummy stopped shouting after that. 

Even though I hear that clap more and more often lately, I’m still not sure what it is.

***

Mummy’s in our room again. Her hair is all messy and her eyes look like mine do after I’ve been crying. I’m used to my own face looking like that. It’s happened a lot lately, even when I don’t know that I’m sad.

She calls Bella over and we all sit on the edge of my bed, Mummy’s arms around our shoulders holding us tightly. So tight it almost hurts. Like she’s afraid we’re going to run away.

“He doesn’t mean it,” she whispers as she strokes our hair.

Mummy says these things sometimes. She says we need to be careful to do things that don’t make the monster angry, like it’s our fault. It doesn’t make sense to me but after that I try to be better.

The next morning I’m awake when the delivery man throws the newspaper against our front door. I get out of bed and tip-toe down the stairs. The third step from the bottom creaks under my foot and I freeze like I’m playing statues. But it’s not fun, I just don’t want to make the monster mad.

I open the door and pick up the newspaper. The plastic wrap is covered in dew and it’s cold and wet against the palm of my hand.

I carry it into the kitchen and stop suddenly. The monster is there. It’s sitting down, one of our mugs on the table in front of it. Steam spirals from the top of the mug, like it does when mummy makes me soup when I’m sick.

I carefully put the newspaper on the table and then slowly back out the way I came, back to safety. The monster just grunts, picks up the paper and starts unwrapping it. Maybe the monster has decided to be nice today?

For the rest of the day, I’m very quiet and good. I don’t even play. Bella and I just sit quietly in our room and watch cartoons on the iPad.

But it’s night now and the monster is roaring again. I tried my best. I did everything I could to be nice and good and quiet. What did I do wrong?

***

That night mummy comes into our room again. The side of her face is the same colour as the grapes in the fridge. Her hair is sticking out at all angles from her head, which is strange because I saw her brushing it earlier today.

“Are you okay?” she whispers to me and Bella.

“Yes,” says Bella. “Are you okay, mummy?”

Mummy doesn’t say anything. She just grabs hold of the corner of Bella’s bed, almost like she’s about to fall over.

“Of course I am, sweetie. Just remember that he loves us,” she says. “Good night, my babies.” She blows us a kiss, opens the door, and walks with small steps into the hallway.

I fall back onto my pillow and stare at the ceiling. I know I should be asleep but I can’t stop thinking about what mummy said.

Is this what love is? Is it tip-toeing around our own house? Is it not playing in the backyard so we don’t wake it up? Is it roaring and clapping and sad eyes?

No. What mummy doesn’t know is that I’m old enough to know this isn’t true. I know that in the stories the monster is bad and evil and causes nothing but fear. The princess is held captive by the monster. The monster doesn’t love the princess. It traps her. It forces her to do what it wants. It’s only when the knight arrives in shining armour that the princess is saved from the monster and finally escapes. Does that mean we can escape? Maybe. I hope so.

But I’m worried about Bella. Does she know the truth? Or is she paying attention to these lessons in love? I don’t want her to be like mummy and trapped with a monster when she grows up. But if this is all she sees how will she ever know the difference? How will she know this isn’t love?

I need to do something. I have no shining armour, and I’m definitely not allowed to play with swords, but maybe I need to be the knight. I take a deep breath and stretch out my arms. This is exactly what the knight would do. He would get ready. I’ve decided. Tomorrow I’ll be the one to save the princess from the monster.

***

The monster often tells me I need to act like a man, especially when it’s angry with me or if I hurt myself. If there’s anything I know about being a man it’s that they’re brave. They wear armour and they carry swords and they save princesses from monsters.

I’m in my bed again and I hear the monster roaring. But this time the blankets aren’t pulled up over my face. I’m fully dressed. My shoes are on, which is strange in bed, but I’m ready to face the monster.

I get out of bed when I hear the roaring and I open the door just as the clapping starts. I run down the stairs to the kitchen – knights would never tip-toe – and see mummy lying on the ground. The monster stands over her, holding one of our glass cups filled with a brown drink. The dessert smell reaches me at the doorway.

I run forward to stand between mummy and the monster and hold my hands out wide, like I’m pretending to be an aeroplane.

“Stop. I’m here to save mummy from you, monster.” My voice shakes and cracks but I manage to get it all out. I’ve been practising all day.

The monster stands there, looking confused for a moment. But then it snarls. Its free claw shoots out and grabs my upper arm. Hard. The palm is rough against my skin. A yelp escapes my lips but I don’t cry. My upper lip starts to shake and pressure builds behind my eyes. But I will not cry. I must be brave. I must be the knight.

“No,” mummy shouts from the ground behind me. She reaches up and pulls me away, and now she’s between me and the monster and she’s pushing it in the chest. But the monster’s so big it barely moves. 

It finally takes two steps back and then the scariest look I’ve ever seen crosses its face. Just as it seems like it’s about to move I shout a battle cry like in the stories.

“Go away, monster!”

The monster hesitates and then stops. And then in one movement, it throws our glass cup against the wall where it shatters into what seems like a million pieces, before walking out the back door into the yard, slamming the door hard behind it. It’s odd, but for some reason I notice that it’s raining outside. Maybe the monster likes the rain?

Mummy hugs me and the hug almost hurts as much as the place on my arm where the monster grabbed me. She leads me out of the kitchen, up the stairs and back into my bedroom. She tucks in my blankets and then kisses me on the forehead. 

“Good night, sweetie. I love you,” she says, and I know that this time it’s true.

***

I dream of knights and monsters and princesses only to be suddenly shaken awake. The monster’s come back for me!

But then in the glow from our night light, I see it’s mummy and she’s carrying Bella. It’s very dark but I can see mummy holding her finger to her lips. She bends down and whispers in my ear.

“Get up, sweetie. We’re going on a little adventure.”

Wow, an adventure! It sounds fun and I’m excited but I’m also confused. How can the princess go on an adventure if she’s trapped by the monster?

Both mummy and I tip-toe down the stairs this time and at the bottom, behind the door that we never go in that I think leads to the monster’s lair, there’s a deep rumble.

Mummy takes us out the front door and gently closes it behind her. The rain is even heavier now. It thunders against the metal roof of our house and deep puddles dot the yard. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the keys to the monster’s car. How did she get those?

She presses a button on the keys and the car’s lights flash orange, lighting up the darkness. She opens the back door and buckles Bella and I into our seats. There are two backpacks in the back seat, overflowing with our clothes and other things. Mummy must be planning a long adventure.

Mummy gets in the front and turns on the car. The engine makes a sound like a cough and then comes to life. Mummy flicks a lever and the lights come on, and I can see the entire front of our house and the front door. The monster’s in there. I hope it doesn’t hear us or see the light. It’s very bright.

There’s another cough but it’s not the engine this time. It’s Bella next to me. And I suddenly realise something.

“Mummy, wait.” I say, just as she moves the stick between the front two seats.

“What is it?” she asks.

“Bella doesn’t have her inhaler. It was on the table in our room.”

Bella coughs again. And again. It sounds bad. It sounds like it usually does before she has one of her coughing attacks.

Mummy looks at Bella and then turns and looks at the front door where it’s all lit up. For some reason, it’s even scarier because I know how dark it is behind there. I see mummy take a deep breath. I can’t tell but I think she might be scared too.

“Okay, stay here. Don’t get out of the car. I’ll be back in a second.”

She jumps out the door and, as she runs in front of the car, the light shines brightly on her white jumper and it looks just like armour! She’s so brave, I think, as she runs back to the front door and into the dark where the monster lives. I just hope she comes back

The red clock near the steering wheel changes numbers. Bella coughs. The rain falls. The car rumbles.

The number changes again. Bella coughs again. I get itchy where the seatbelt digs into my neck.

The number changes. The rain falls.

The front door is thrown open and there’s a shadow there, just beyond the reach of the light. A shape comes running out. It’s mummy, white jumper shining, Bella’s inhaler clutched in her hand.

As she gets in the car and shifts the stick, the car starts to move backwards. I look back at the door. There’s another shape there. It’s the monster. It’s shaking its arms and its mouth moves up and down.

But over the sound of the rain and the car I can’t hear its roar.

***

We’re in a strange place. The bed, TV, couch, and cooktop are all in the same room. I’ve never seen anything like it before. There’s a bright red light out the front of the building that almost looked pretty as it flickered in the rain. I can see the glow of it at the edges of the curtains mummy pulled across the window when we got here.

Bella and I are in the bed together and Bella’s sleeping. Mummy moved the couch near the door and is sitting there, the keys to the car still in her hand like a mini sword. It’s like she’s guarding the door.

I can’t sleep. There’s something I’ve been thinking about since we left the monster’s house. It’s making me sad and scared.

“Mummy,” I whisper, the pressure building behind my eyes.

“Yes, sweetie?”

I shift onto my side to look directly at her. “I don’t want to be a monster.” I can no longer hold back the pressure. My face is wet like I've been in the rain and my lips taste like salt again.

Mummy stands up and walks over to the bed. “Sweetie, what makes you think you’re a monster?”

I wipe my face with the back of my hand. “Well, you said that it loved us. But it was still a monster. I love you too, so how do I know I won’t become a monster when I’m all grown up?”

“Robert … “ she starts to say but stops. She takes a deep breath and then crouches down so her eyes are at the same level as mine.

“Robert Junior. You don’t have to be a monster if you don’t want to. You’re your own person and you get to make a choice. If you want, you can choose to be a knight.”

She kisses me on the forehead and wipes my cheek with her thumb. “Now, get some sleep, sweetie.”

I roll onto my back and look at the ceiling. It’s different from my other one but I don’t mind it.

I think about what mummy said. I want to believe her. I hope she’s right.