Before morning

3rd February -

I bought this diary today.  I’ve been saying to myself I must buy myself a new one for a while, my last diary was a Christmas gift from my father, a couple of years ago, it was a few months before he passed away. He always bought me a diary. I’m not sure why, we always joked that I’d never use them. I’m far too scatterbrained for a diary, if nothing else, I’d lose them in my huge handbag before I could even think of writing an entry.  Well at least, I’d joke. My father would always smile wistfully and tell me “well it’s always there when you need it. You never know when you’ll need to write something down.”

I only went into the shop for my regular newspaper and a pack of wine gums for my train journey to work. My father always preferred mints to wine gums, another joke between us. He’d always laugh at me for having a pack with me no matter what, but he would never refuse when I offered him a sweet.

People often ask why I still buy newspapers to read on the train, telling me I can read all the news I want, on my phone, for free! But staring at a phone screen doesn’t feel the same. Everyone does it, never lifting their eyes from the brightly lit pieces of plastic. With a newspaper, you can hide behind it, you can people watch whilst holding it and no one knows. I like people watching, it makes the journey interesting to imagine their lives.

This diary was nestled unobtrusively on a shelf, almost hidden behind a row of brightly coloured pens. The other diaries had serious, rather staid looking covers in varying shades of brown or black leather.  This one has a shimmery, slightly iridescent blue cover, different to what my father would have bought for me, but probably the sort of thing I would have coveted as a child. It was definitely an impulse buy, it’s not the sort of thing an adult would use and feels strange seeing it it my bag amongst the work files and house keys, only the discarded sweet wrappers in there makes it seem more at home.

So I am now a diary owner of my own choosing. I don’t know if I will keep adding entries after this one, I guess we will see!

26th February -

It’s been a few weeks since I wrote in here, I didn’t think I would bother again but here we are. Work feels quite strange at the moment, there are whispers of redundancies in the air. No one has suggested I may be affected, but if it happens, I’m sure colleagues may go. I don’t know anyone too well, most of them are friendly enough, but they all seem to have their own lives, their own close friends at work, I feel like an outsider sometimes. 

It’s late and I’m supposed to be sleeping, I have to be at the train station on time, but I feel a bit restless. I came downstairs to make a cup of hot chocolate to see if that helps but saw the diary on the side. I took it out of my bag last week, it seems silly to carry it around if I don’t need it. 

I think the kettle has boiled now. I’ll see if the hot chocolate helps me nod off.

9th March -

It’s Saturday now. I’m quite relieved it’s the weekend, work has been hectic this week. 2 of my colleagues have gone, my boss said they were no longer needed, but their work has been passed on to me, I don’t see how they weren’t needed as it’s a lot of stuff for one person to do! But I mustn’t complain, I still have a job and my father always said not to rock the boat, I don’t want them to think I should be next to go.  But even though I should have a rest from it for two days, I’m still thinking about it a lot.  Staying up late at weekends was quite normal as a teenager but now I’m older, I should be making sure I get my beauty sleep! Yet here I am, after midnight, sat at my kitchen table with a cup of tea.  Extra milky, I’m not sure if that will help, it’s worth a try!

14th March -

I cried at work today. I was in the kitchen making a cup of coffee for my boss. It was a peace offering, he had just shouted at me for typing up a letter wrong. I didn’t know how to do it properly, I’m not a secretary, Kath was, but she’s no longer here. So now I’m supposed to do it, but I got the ‘company standard’ wrong.

Rosa found me in the kitchen. She’s an assistant like me, but for one of the other managers, he’s nicer than mine.  She clucked at me and muttered some bad words about my boss but passed me the milk. I had to make sure I got the right amount in, my boss is very particular with his coffee.  Rosa seems quite nice, I wish I knew her better but I don’t know if she’s going to keep her job, none of us do anymore. It doesn’t seem worth trying to make friends, just in case.

I’d better go to bed, I need to be in the office early tomorrow.

15th March -

I got up very early this morning for work. It was strange getting a different train, but it did mean there was different people to watch which should have been interesting, but I didn’t pay as much attention as usual.  When I got to work, a few other people had had the same idea, I think we’re all trying to show how much we are needed there. Everyone is starting to feel they are next to be on the ‘unemployment train’. 

My boss was nice to me today but he seemed to be distracted. He called me by the wrong name although I’ve been there for 3 years. Imagine, 3 years! My father was so proud when I got this job. He told me it was ‘good, steady, respectable work’. It doesn’t feel quite so steady any more!

Even though I got up so early, I can’t sleep tonight. I’ve laid in bed for a few hours, even tried reading, as well as doing the crossword in my newspaper but my brain doesn’t want to switch off.  The crossword clues are quite difficult now, my father used to do a lot of them for me. I often used to ring him for help with the answers. I’ve tried using google on my phone for help but it’s very frustrating.

30th March -

It’s been two weeks since I last wrote in here.  I still can’t sleep properly but it doesn’t matter anymore, not for now anyway.  I lost my job after all.  My boss called me into his office today, his eyes were red and I’m pretty sure he’d been crying.  I don’t think it was because of me though, he’s been let go too.  All our department has.  Apparently the company are ‘streamlining’ and none of us are needed any more. I suppose that means all our work will get dumped on other people, same as it did with me.  It feels scary not having a job to go to, and I’m not sure what will happen about money yet, I don’t have much savings, despite my father telling me to make sure I put some away every month.  There just didn’t seem to be much once I’d paid my mortgage and all the bills. He would be so disappointed in me, he thought the job would set me up for life.  But to be honest, I didn’t really like working there.  It seemed so pointless and was quite boring really.  I don’t know what else I’d like to do though.  Human Resources told me before I left, to make a list of all the things I’m good at, and what I’d like to do with myself. I don’t really know. We didn’t really cover that in our careers advisor interviews at school. It was mostly about going to college and getting good grades, not really what to do with them after that. I don’t think I want to do office work anymore though.

22nd April -

Rosa called me today! I don’t know how she got my number. She’s still working there but apparently she wants to leave, she said it’s a horrible atmosphere now. The redundancies are all done but no one trusts that it won’t happen again.  If our department can be got rid of, who knows what else they don’t need?

She asked if I wanted to meet up for a coffee (I don’t drink it but she doesn’t know that). She said she wants to talk about setting up our own business! With me! My father would have been shocked! I wouldn’t know where to start. I told her I wasn’t sure, and that I’d think about it. She seemed disappointed. I feel bad as she seems so nice.

Maybe I’ll call her next week. I need to go to sleep now. I bought myself a lavender bath bomb and used it tonight, it was very relaxing.