Eve

            “Wow, so you really made all of this?” I ask Him awestruck of the majesty before me. Lush green land that ruffles in the whispers of the breeze extends as far as the eye can see. In the far-right corner are matte chiseled mountains that tower over me and provide shade for the other creatures and myself. To my far left is a bleary blue haze, which He calls the ocean and is made of water like the stream behind me on my left side.  Behind me to my right is a stream, and a few yards farther is a tree, thin and straightforward with palm-sized green leaves that dangle from the ends of the nimble branches and fist-sized fruits speckled amongst them. This is the one tree He said not to eat from because its fruits taste horrific. Besides this one tree, there are copious more, which consume the far end of the land behind me and are fun to climb, and their shade makes for great nap places. These trees are densely populated with thick branches and clusters of broad spiked leaves. They are decorated with many vibrant fruits of all different shapes and sizes. I tasted a small orange, red, and green fruit earlier called a mango. It was delightful.

            When I came to, I saw this world, and He came to me. He called me Adam and explained this world to me. My brain became alive with questions like the fireflies that come out when the sun hides behind the horizon to illuminate the sky. And, like trying to catch a firefly between my palms, I can’t seem to find a good place to start. 

            “Yes, indeed I did,” He says with a grin.

            “It’s beautiful.” I say with wide eyes and a big smile.

            “I’m glad you like it. It’s all yours,” He says, and my vision goes fuzzy. I can’t believe it’s all mine. 

            “So, what did you do before you made all of it?” I ask.

            “Well, I was watching the latest season of Voice Like an Angel, and my favorite angel won and got to join my choir. Since joining, I will say, their worship has been much better,” he says before pausing to think. “Oh! And the new season of Heavenly Love just started with Lucifer as the newest bachelor. I don't really like him all that much if I'm honest. He seems kind of narcissistic to be frank. Also watch out for him. He often likes to come to the garden as a snake. He might try and eat you alive."

            I stare at Him with my mouth, agape. He looks at me and shakes his head before letting out a hearty chuckle that resounds throughout the garden. 

 "You probably have no idea what I'm talking about. No matter! Come with me, I have a special job for you," He says and guides me, hand on my shoulder, to a rock by the stream.  

…

            “I call this one a mover.” I tell Him as I present Him with a small animal. When it came to me, I picked it up, and it licked me nonstop, which made me laugh. It barked when I put it down, and it plopped itself down by my feet. This is my job to name all the animals in the garden.

He looks at it and then at me and then at it more quizzically.

 "You do realize that they all move, right?" He says.

“Look, Adam. I made you in my image, which means that you are a creative being. So please, for my sake, think a little deeper.” He says with his palms together and fingers pointing towards himself. 

            “Okay, okay. Let me try this again.” I say and look at the “mover” again. It’s looking back up at me with its tongue out and eyes half-open. Its tail is wagging. I give it a good rubbing on the top of its silky head, and it closes its eyes and bats its back leg against the ground. I know what to name it. 

            “I got it!” I call out.

            “Good!” He says with eager eyes and a forward lean.

            “Barky!”

            He seems to be paralyzed. I wave my hand in front of His eyes after He doesn’t respond for a minute. He closes his eyes and puts his fingers to His temples. 

            “Breath, God, breath. Remember what the doctor said,” he whispers under his breath.

            “Are you okay?”

            He takes another deep breath and smiles widely. Is that a twitch in his upper right eyebrow?

            “Fine! How about you try another one?” He says, and behind me, a small, black-furred, four-legged creature with a long tail, white-furred paws, and pointy ears approaches Him.

            He picks it up, pets it on its head, and places it in my arms. It’s purring vivaciously, and its head rubs deeply into my chest. Its eyes are reflective gems-like a mirror that reflects the world around it. After a few seconds, it wriggles its way free from my arms and leaps onto the ground. It rubs its head against my calf and continues to purr. I pet it a few more times, and then it walks a short distance in front of me, plops itself down on the grass, and begins to lick its front paws. I feel a pang in my chest. Why doesn’t it want to me by me like the other one? I take a step to go pet it again and feel a tug on my foot, and then I'm tumbling towards the ground. I collide with sharp rocks on the ground, and it stings, but I'm alright. The creature continues to lick its paws unmoved by my stumble.

            “Eish,” I say as I rub the back of my head and my left shoulder.

            “That’s what you’re going to call it?”

            “No, no. I think I’ll call it unlucky bastard.”

            He says and slaps His forehead with his palm, SMACK! Then, after a moment of rubbing his head and giving off strange noises that sound like suppressed shrieks, he looks pensively up at the sky and begins to stroke his beard.

“No, you actually hit the nail on the head with that one.” He says with a hearty chuckle. “You’re getting better at this.” He says and pats me on the shoulder. I stumble forward from the sheer force of his hand.

"Why don't you take a break and look around some more and see what you can find?" He asks. I just want to sit under the tree and have another mango, but I don't feel like that that's an option given the nature of His question.

"Okay," I say.

“Jesus, I should’ve given this job to Noah? He builds arks, he’s faithful, never complains, has good ideas, and never-,” I hear Him say as he walks off.

…

I found, meandering in the stream, a peculiar creature, one with a bill, a flat propeller-like tail, and a mangled furry body. I became jealous of the thing. Why does it get to relax all day in the cool water under the warm sun while I toil on all day looking for things? What’s it’s function?

“Did you have a question, Adam?”

“AGGGHHH!” I shout. My heart is racing. 

“Oops! Didn’t mean to startle you!” He says with a roughish smile. 

“Wait, can you read my mind?” I ask, my whole body heaving from the shock.

“No, of course not. That’s a… a common misconception," He says with another big smile.

He can definitely read my thoughts. Well, He is here, so I might as well ask.

“So, why’d you create that thing?” I ask, pointing to the creature in the stream. Its head is under water and its tail is sticking straight up. Is it trying to suffocate itself?

“Oh, that thing!” He says with a hearty chuckle. “No reason, really! I was just messing around! Ha!" He says and gives me another pat on the back.

“So, listen, Adam. I know I have asked you to do a very… complex task, so I don’t want you to do it alone. So, with that in mind, give me your rib.” He says with a straight face and his palm extended.

“Ex-excuse me? I don’t know if I understand.” I say.

“Oh, sorry. I need your rib to make you a partner.” He says. I feel my sides and think about having one of the tough bones removed. I gulp down something that tastes and smells acrid in the back of my throat. 

"But what about me? You made me from dust, couldn't you do the same for my partner?" I ask.

“Why so stressed, Adam? It’s just a rib! I promise it’ll all turn out alright.” He says and puts his hand on my shoulder.

“Plus, you won’t even be awake to feel it.”

"Well, oka-” and then I’m out.

…

What the-AGGGHHHH!!

“Shoot! Not enough anesthetic. Sorry, Adam! It’ll all be over soon!” I hear Him say fuzzily through excruciating stabs of pain coming from my side. 

Something grandiose is going on around me. I hear a multitude of noises and feel the wind blow against my face. Dust fills my nose, making me cough as I open my eyes. Dust and bright light are swirling around my rib, which is covered in a red liquid and begins to form a shape that resembles my own. The ground is shaking, and the oceans in the distance are towering above the land. There are clouds in the sky and a bright light shining through them. Every few seconds, the earth shakes as lightning strikes the ground, and thunder reverberates throughout the land. There is an opening at the center of the congregation of clouds, and in it, I can see the chorus He must've been referring to earlier. They are making sounds I've never heard- one's so clear and beautiful that I can't help but cry.

“Amazing grace! How sweet the sound!” they sing.

“1000 reasons for my heart to find!” they chant.

“You are gooood, gooood, gooood, oooooohhhhh!” they serenade. 

The light eventually becomes so bright that I have to stop looking. The moment is coming to a climax as the light intensifies, the wind begins to lift me off the ground, lightning is cracking every second, and the chorus is chanting AAAAAHHHHHH! harmoniously until there is a loud explosion. The dust settles, the light diminishes, the ocean calms, the chorus hides behind the clouds, and the sky becomes clear baby blue. I slam against the ground and feel a sharp pain in my back. I open my eyes as I arch my back and see another human before me. It is virtually the same as my own except the hips are wider, there are two large, globular sacs of flesh hanging down from its chest, and where there should be a penis, it has nothing but a slit. 

There is only one thing, her face. It is terrifyingly ugly. I can’t place where it is, maybe the forehead, maybe the nose, but something’s off. It almost doesn’t seem symmetrical. I shudder in disgust. To think that my rib turned into something like that gives me an uneasy feeling. If she came from my rib, does that mean that I am that hideous?

It opens its eyes, and He rushes over and begins to talk to it. I can’t tell what they are saying, nor do I want to. I’m baffled, but eventually, He comes over to me with it by His side and helps me up. He touches my side, where my rib used to be, and it heals instantly, and I feel normal again. He smiles at me and brings it so that it’s inches away from my face. It smells weird, like mildew. I take a step back. I feel horrible like I’m going to vomit. 

“Adam, I would like to introduce you to Eve, your partner. Well, don’t be shy! Say hello. She won’t bite!”

She? She? She, whatever that is, is smiling at me and waving.

“Uh… Hey.” I say sheepishly and give her a little wave back. 

"Well, isn't this great?" He says with a wide grin. "So, here's the deal. You guys are going to populate the Earth through a process called sex. It's great, super cool. Basically, you lay down and kiss a ton and Adam you-” He says and points to my penis “put your banana into Eve’s-” He points to her thing, whatever it is “peach.” He says and claps his hands together with a bright smile on his face. Why is this guy smiling all the time?

“Well,” he continues “I’ll let you guys get acquainted! There is some important business I must attend to, but I will see you guys later today.” He says and then vanishes.

We haven’t taken our eyes off each other. I can't stop looking at her eyebrows. One seems larger than the other. Then there are her eyes- they're big and bug-like, but inside her small oval head, they stick out like my rib when He was making her. I give her a crooked grin.

“So, how do you want to do this?”

“I don’t know, I’m just as new to this as you are.”

“Right… So… COUGH! Sorry… Ummm… there is a nice place by the stream that’s pretty soft?” I barely muster out. She’s looking at me like she’s about to sneeze.

“Sounds fun!”

“Yeah, fun.”

…

“So, what do you think of Eve?” He asks me. She fell asleep a while ago, and He found me by the stream.

"She's nice," I say. I just don't have the heart to tell Him the whole truth.

“I know she’s nice, I made her. But I want to know… Come on, you know. How was it?”

“Oh. She’s… um good, I guess." I say and scratch my head.

“Adam, what are you not telling me?” He asks. He’s looking me straight in the eyes. I can’t hold his stare; I have to look away.

“What? She’s nice-”

“But-”

“I think it’s her nose. Or her eyebrows. Maybe her cheeks. I don’t know.”

“What do you mean? What’s wrong with her nose?”

“Nothing, nothing… It might be a little on the plumper side, that's all.” 

“What do you have against plump noses?" He asks. I can feel the heat radiating from his scold, and the sky is beginning to fill with dark clouds.

“Nothing! I think I just prefer slender noses.”

“How could you prefer slender noses? You’ve never seen another woman!” 

His voice is really booming now like thunder, and the clouds are beginning to spark. The ocean is beginning to get choppy, with large waves crashing against the shore. 

"You're right, you're right. I think I'm just new to the game, you know. That's all."

The clouds dissipate, the ocean calms, He leans back and smiles. Then he turns towards me with narrowed eyebrows and searching eyes.

“But it was bearable?”

“Yeah yeah!” I say and fervently shake my head.

“Good because you’re going to be doing that for a long time.”

My whole body seizes.

…

I have thought of every possible way to escape my predicament, and all fall short. I am left with no choice.

“Serpent, can you hear me?” I call out. I hear shuffling in the leaves, and its scaly body coils around the branch above me. 

“Yeth.”

“I need your help," I say. I think it smiles, but can snakes smile?

“Really?”

"I can't do it. I just can't. I've thought of every way to get rid of her, and you're the only option I have left."

“What’th wrong with her?”

“She’s nice and sweet, but I can't stand to look at her." 

“Oh yeah.”

"And I tried to offer her a mango the other day, and she asked me if it would make her look fat. Then I offered her my banana, and she said there was too much sugar in it. I don't even know what sugar is!"

“Well, no wonder thhe rejected your banana. I would too if I wath her.” He says and looks down.

"What? That's not what I meant!" I say, and it looks at me funnily. I use my hand to cover myself. “Come on, the big man didn’t give me much to work with… It’s not that small!”

“I’m jutht thaying. That thhit the other day wath pitiful.”

“Wait. You saw that?” I ask. I feel self-conscious. It wasn’t my best work.

“Yup.”

“All of it?”

“Every minute.”

“Even that first part?

“Yeah, your aim thuckth.”

“Sorry, first time.”

“Yeah, you didn’t last long.”

“Hey, that was intense!”

“And what were you thinking with the leaf?”

“I don’t know!” I shout and cover my face in my hands. The leaf was such a bad idea.

"Look, I know that you want to get rid of Eve, and I want to help you. I have a plan.”

“Really?”

I perk up, my hope renewed.

“Yeth! The big guy kicked me off Heavenly Love becauthe the lady angelth loved me more than him! I can trick Eve into eating the fruit from the tree. Thhe can’t make up her mind anywayth, tho it’ll be eathy to dupe her. Then, when He theeth that thhe ate from the tree, He’ll get rid of her, and give you a new one.”

It’s not the worst idea. While Eve is cool, I just can’t imagine doing it with her forever. The idea of it makes me shiver in disgust. 

"Okay, I'm in," I say.

“Exthellent,” it says as it licks its lips with a devilish grin.