My Happy Place

My heart was racing as we pulled into the driveway of my home. My old home, that is. I  still technically owned it, but ever since the accident, I haven’t gone back till now. My kids were all fast asleep, their mouths hanging open and their noses pointed up towards the ceiling. 

I took a deep breath, recollecting my thoughts. Everything was exactly the same. The cottage was tucked away deep in the woods. There was nothing else around it, except for the pastures and mysterious forest gardens that surrounded it. The sunlight peeked through the treetops, casting a peaceful light upon the roof. It was a scene that seemed to come straight out of a storybook. The memories of my childhood were suddenly unlocked from the place I trapped them in. It all came flooding back to me- it was overwhelming. I saw my 8 year old self running along the soft grass, chasing the butterflies during the day and the fireflies during the night. My younger sister followed right behind me, occasionally tripping over branches and small bumps. 

The sky was cloudless and clear. The possibilities seemed endless in this little utopia we had. We didn’t go inside until Mother called us in for freshly squeezed lemonade. The ice and refreshing taste cooled off our heat and sweat from constantly being outdoors. 

I could still taste it.

I was glad to be back. And now, I could give my kids the same experience. They were going to have the time of their lives, exploring the places my eyes once sought way back when. 

“Guys, we’re here.” I called softly, looking at them through my rearview mirror. 

Peter woke up, rubbing his eyes and taking in his new surroundings. “Woah.” His mouth dropped and his eyes filled with wonder and new light. “Look at this, Evelyn!” He tapped on his sister’s shoulder. 

She was grumpy and moody, but that all melted away when she looked outside the window. She had the same reaction as Peter- I could see it in their eyes. They never saw anything like this. 

I didn’t know exactly what was so unique about this place. Besides the fact that this was my childhood, it should have been just like any other cottage isolated from the rest of the world. There was this magical aura that floated throughout, making the air seem just a bit sweeter and the colors a bit more vibrant. One look and you’d think nothing bad could ever happen in a place like this. Wrong, but we’ll get to that. 

Pushing the dark thoughts to the back of my mind, my main priority was to have fun and relax with my children. I had a few days off and they just got out of school. I couldn’t afford a full blown trip to some island or luxurious beach- I wasn’t about to take them anywhere at all, until Peter mentioned it: 

“Mommy, can we go to the place where all your pictures are from?” He said as I was tucking him in bed. 

“What pictures?” 

“The ones you always look at at night.” Right away, he covered his mouth. He said too much. 

“Peter, is there something you have to tell me?” 

“Sorry…”  He glanced down, “When I was going into your room to say goodnight, I saw you put away these pictures really quickly when I came in. I wanted to see what they were, so I went into your drawer one day. They were really pretty.” His voice trailed off, fearful of my reaction. 

I sighed. There was no use in scolding him. In fact, deep down I was glad he found those photos. They shouldn’t have been kept a secret, anyway. 

“What did you like about them?” I asked. 

“A lot of trees and flowers.” He responded, perking up again. “The picture was foggy, looked kind of old. That was you when you were my age, right?” In the bed next to him, Evelyn started tossing and turning. I shushed him,

“Yes.” I whispered, “That was my old home. That’s where I played.” 

“Who was the girl next to you?” 

I gulped and took a shaky breath. “That’s a story for another time.” 

“But-”

“No buts.” 

“Fine. But can we at least go there?” He pleaded, his eyes wide and big. I couldn’t resist. 

“I’ll think about it.” I kissed him on the forehead and bid him goodnight before turning off his night lamp. 

A couple days later and we were off. I didn’t remember the last time I needed to pack a suitcase. This was probably my first ‘trip’ with Peter and Evelyn. If it weren’t for Peter, I would never have thought of this. Well, I had to face the trauma at some point. 

I hated that this one memory completely clouded my entire view on this place I once called my paradise. It stripped all the beauty and fairytale magic away from underneath me, turning into nightmares that haunted me and will haunt me for the rest of my life. 

The kids jumped out of the car, running- not towards the cottage, but towards the groves and gardens. I wanted to call out and tell them to come back, but they were so happy. They were finally somewhere outside of their usual environment. This somewhere happened to be a manifestation of fantasy and hope. Instead, I followed after them, trying to focus solely on the present and the joy in front of me. 

“Mommy! Is this yours?” Evelyn held up a teddy bear that was resting by the trunk of an old tree. 

It wasn’t mine. There was only one other person it could be from. 

Hailey. 

Evelyn hugged it tightly to her chest, “I’m going to name him Fairybear. My Fairybear, I love you!” She swung it around in the air. 

I stood there, paralyzed for a few moments. No words came out of my mouth as I watched my daughter cradle the teddy bear she used to hold. I never realized how much they looked like each other. They would have been close- she would’ve been the coolest aunt. 

“Mommy, is everything okay?” Peter asked, sweat already dripping down his back. 

“Yeah, everything’s fine.” I smiled, “Just getting a bit sentimental, that’s all. Go along now, there’s so much more to see!” 

As they walked along the pastures and groves, behind a curtain of vines, they revealed a small waterfall. The sunlight mixed with the mist created a faint rainbow and the sound of the cascading water was enough to put anyone to sleep. Birds of different colors flew overhead- it was a utopia inside of another utopia.

“Can we go play there?” Peter pleaded, taking off his shoes and socks as he was speaking. 

“Peter, you guys are going to get all wet and gross.” I said, but I didn’t say no. 

He took Evelyn by the hand, laughing and squealing as they ran into the shallow water, careful of the slippery rocks. 

“Don’t stay here too long. You know what happened last time.” A voice, loud and clear, rang through my head, sending chills down my spine. I whipped around, but no one was there. 

“Mom told you to watch after me, why didn’t you?” 

I was trembling, “What happened was an accident.” I said firmly, even though I knew it was my fault all along. 

“If you didn’t leave me alone, I might still be here today.” 

“If you didn’t leave me alone, I wouldn’t have had to climb the tree.” 

“If you didn’t leave me alone, I wouldn’t have fallen.” 

“If you didn’t leave me alone, our parents wouldn’t have had to bury their own child.”

“STOP!” I shrieked, my head throbbing and my heart beating out of my chest. Peter and Evelyn jumped and turned around, their faces filled with pure fear. I crumpled onto the grass, clutching my hands to my heart. 

“Mommy!” Peter and Evelyn came sprinting towards me, kneeling down to check if I was okay. 

“Balloon.” I whispered, pointing towards the clearing. “Find a red balloon.” 

“What, why?” Evelyn asked, “The water is too much fun.” 

“Just find it. I need to tell you a story.” 

“Come on, Jessie! I want to untie it.” Hailey pleaded. My eyes were closed as I was bathing under the warmth of the sunlight. No one was bothering me today. 

“Leave me be. Play by yourself.” I groaned. I was 13 and she was 10- the teenage hormones were definitely kicking in. They were my excuse for everything. 

“I need help getting something! I’m not as good of a climber as you.” 

“I’ll get it for you later, just play with Teddy.” 

“I’m too old for Teddy now!” 

“Well, I can’t help you then.” I snapped. “Stop bothering me, Hailey! You need to start doing things on your own now. You know these forests, you know where home is, you don’t need me to follow you everywhere.” I threw Teddy to her, her ‘used to be’ favorite stuffed bear. I always brought it along with me, in case she wanted to play with it again. This time, I was making her. 

“I don’t want him!” She cried. She ran off angrily. 

I rolled my eyes and laid back down on the soft ground, letting the wind brush slowly over me, sending tingles throughout my body. 

I had a few moments of complete peace and relaxation. When I opened my eyes, the sight of a shimmering waterfall that trickled gently into a lake met my gaze. I was a lost princess in an unknown fairytale. That’s what it felt like at least. 

Suddenly, I heard a loud crash, along with a lingering scream that hung in the air. Dread seeped through my veins and into my heart. No.

“Hailey!” I called, running into the forest- “HAILEY!”

No response. She must have gone home, right? 

I saw Teddy on the ground, face down in front of a tree stump. I ran past the dirtied bear, continuing to call out her name. 

I was about to go home, hoping with all my might she was in the kitchen, drinking some lemonade or merely washing her hands. This knot grew in my stomach that I couldn’t get rid of, that sisterly instinct that made me believe that wasn’t the case. But, I hoped. 

Hope doesn’t always win. Death does, though. Cold, merciless death that doesn’t pity any living soul, preying after youthful souls and playful spirits. 

A snapped branch and my sister, laying on the ground, defeated by death’s chase. A red balloon remained tied overhead, floating high above the grass. 

Ever since that day, I’ve had countless nightmares and hallucinations. I can still see the blood that ran down the side of her head. I can still see her disfigured body on the forest floor, surrounded by flowers and butterflies. I can still see the balloon that she wanted so desperately. I could have retrieved it for her- that was all she asked. 

My parents never questioned me. They embraced me tightly and never pointed a finger at me. That was just the type of people they were- forgiving and benevolent. We were devastated together, but I was weighed down by the guilt. If anyone, it should have been me buried underground. Yet, I was forced to grow up. I was forced to leave without her. 

I never went back to the forests, the place that held our dreams and memories. It takes two to create our story. That couldn’t happen if one wasn’t here. I left my past and childhood trapped there. I pushed it to the back of my mind, so far back that I thought I had forgotten everything. No, it was still all there. 

“Mommy!” Peter and Evelyn came rushing back, their faces renewed with excitement, “We found the balloon!” 

“Lead me there.” I whispered, taking them by their hand. 

They dragged me along the path, the same path I took when I was looking for her 22 years ago. I recognized it all. 

“Look!” Peter pointed upwards at one of the taller trees in the area. 

Sure enough, there was a red balloon, still tied to a branch, moving slightly with the wind. It was deflated and soggy- it looked like it was popped at some point, but the white ribbon that kept it attached to the tree was holding it in place. I glanced right below the balloon, to an open spot where another branch was supposed to be. Of course, it wasn’t there. 

Amidst my daze, I missed Evelyn beginning to climb it, “I’ll get it for you!” 

“EVELYN!” I screamed, “No, get down!” 

“Mommy, it’s not that far up.” She laughed, continuing to go higher and higher. She was speedy and efficient, heaving herself up using her own strength.

I was paralyzed. I needed to go after her before she-

*snap*

As if life suddenly became a slow motion film, I saw her hanging for a split second in midair before beginning to plummet to the ground. I couldn’t even react. All I could do was watch. Move, Jessie, move! I couldn’t lose someone else, especially my own daughter.

“NO!” I shrieked as time went back to normal speed. My world began rapidly falling apart all over again. I saw Hailey and then I saw Evelyn- the scene was flashing between the past and present. 

“I got you, Ev.” 

I saw Peter on the ground, with Evelyn on top of him, crying. Peter hugged her closely, “It’s okay, it’s okay. You’re safe.” He caught her. 

“Oh my gosh,” I ran over, falling on my knees. “I’m so sorry.” That was the first thing that came to my mind. I was sorry. I was sorry for not being able to save my sister and not being able to save my daughter.

Evelyn, her eyes still filled with tears, looked up at me as they sat up, “Why are you sorry, Mommy?” 

“I-” I couldn’t even finish my sentence before embracing both of them. 

“Mommyyyy,” Peter squeaked, “You’re squishing me.” 

I let them go, smiling through my tears. “Thank you.” I ruffled Peter’s hair.

“I got the balloon still! It’s all gross now, though.” Evelyn pouted as she held up a piece of red rubber. 

I laughed- a real, genuine laugh. Even I was surprised with how it sounded. It felt good. “That’s not important right now. But keep it, and you can save it to your collection. That way you’ll always remember this place.” 

“You want me to remember how I fell?” 

“No. I want you to remember the cottage and forest as how you first saw it. The tall trees, fresh soil, the beautiful waterfall, the vibrant flowers. Don’t ever forget this sight. No place on earth is as beautiful as my home.” My home. 

She nodded, as if she completely understood what I was getting at. “Okay. I’ll put it in my collection box when we get back.” She suddenly remembered something, “I left Fairybear by the lake!” 

“I’ll go get it with you.” Peter said immediately. 

I suddenly replayed that dreadful day and how I treated Hailey. I knew Peter would never make the same mistake as I did. No matter what, he would protect his little sister. He was an example for me. It was too late to fix anything now, but it wasn’t too late to share Hailey’s story. 

I got up off the ground and wiped the dirt off my knees. “After you get Fairybear, let’s go to the cottage. I have something to tell you.”

"A new story?" Evelyn looked back, her eyes bright and starry.

"Yes, but this one's different."

"Is it happy?"

"Well, most of it is." I answered honestly. It was a happy story. This place was my safe haven and that never changed.