Lost Love

"Girl, are you ready yet?” Myrna impatiently asked through the phone. Thank goodness Myrna could not hear Janie rolling her eyes or else the control freak would peak its ugly head.

 Myrna was a long term friend since Kindergarten and now they were in the summer, before becoming seniors in high school. Even though it had only been a year Janie was gone from her hometown, her friend, Myrna now seemed a stranger. “I’ll be ready soon. If I’m not there, just go ahead without me. I’ll meet you there”, Janie said, trying to sound enthusiastic.   

“Alright. Fifteen minutes to get your ass here. If not – I’m outie.” 

Janie hung up the phone and looked at herself in the mirror. Her long, thick brown hair waved down to her elbows. The hazel green, almond eyes looked lighter. Usually, that meant Janie was excited. Her eyes changed depending on the mood. Yet, truly, inside Janie was semi dreading seeing her old clique. She left south Florida because her step father abused her. She knew people talked once she left – even her so called friends. Fourteen years of abuse endured and now her mother, she was visiting, was finally divorced from the monster. You would never know the suffering Janie endured by looking at her face. Beautiful, the word many used to describe her, but she didn’t always see it. 

With a sigh, Janie headed out the door to Myrna’s house. Upon arriving, Myrna gave her the warmest hug. Feeling obligated, she hugged back. Thinking in her mind, “be normal. Just be normal.” 

“Alright, chica, let’s go have some fun”, Myrna excitedly said. They were headed to Grand Prix Race O Rama in Miami. A forty-five minute drive sounded excruciating to Janie. She didn’t want to talk about why she left or how things were living with her father. To her relief, Myrna blasted the stereo, the entire way there. 

Once at the fun spot, anxiety and excitement rushed through Janie. Grand Prix had everything fun under one roof. From video games to go cart racing and even some rides. With unlimited money from her mother’s credit card – the night seemed promising. That is when she heard the awful screeching she dreaded. The hand clapping and high pitched bumbling of all her girlfriends she went to school with in past. They gushed over her looks and Janie felt like a celebrity that was bomb rushed by reporters. 

Myrna, the most level- headed friend of the bunch, sensed Janie’s tenseness and told everyone to go inside. 

Inside, the tone changed. The place was filled with noise from games and music. The intercom boomed with the latest deals. While everyone else seemed like a kid in a candy store, Janie was able to finally breathe. With everyone’s mind occupied with entertainment, which left Janie to explore on her own. Without fail, the girls found her and clung to her hip. 

It was at that moment, surrounded by noise, lights, and questions – all seemed to go quiet. Janie had spotted a man that took her breath away. He, like her, was surrounded by hassling friends. They were leaders in their groups but Janie sensed he felt the same as she. Wanting to be free from having to entertain them. 

He was gorgeous. Thick dark brown hair and eyes to match. His eyes were the kind Janie could get lost in – so much personality within. She could tell he was from a Latino background, but could not place exactly where. Just looking at him seemed to lessen her anxiety. Janie thought to herself, “no way is he single. He seems to perfect.” With that, Janie lowered her gaze and walked towards the race track – the gabbing girls following. 

An hour later, Janie became so consumed in the fun, nothing seemed to matter. While all the girls went to the restroom to replace their makeup, Janie found her favorite game. Mortal Combat. It was an oldie, but a goodie. The only game that required memorizing of codes and applying them to the character. Then, she heard it from behind, the sultriest voice, “Can I get next game against you?” 

Janie didn’t have to look – she knew it was the man who made all nonexistent around her.  “Sure, if you are any good”, Janie said coyly. Even his laugh was music to her ears. It was the kind of voice that could make you melt but want to move mountains. Even his smell was kind to her nose. No overwhelming cologne. Just a fresh, crisp delightful smell. 

Deliberately, Janie lost the game. He moved beside her and the feeling was as if they were longtime friends. The comfort and ease talking to him while playing the game, came as natural as brushing teeth. It seemed as if the game went on forever. They were both equal in skill. Janie looked up at him and saw how effortlessly he played. 

“You must play this game a lot or it comes natural.” Janie said. 

He smiled and asked, “Do you want to take a walk? Outside this place?” 

It was as if he read her mind. Before Janie knew it, they were outside on a bench. The noises of Grand Prix were far away, but the distance between the two was only fifty yards. The two of them talked – not realizing the time that had gone by. Both their pagers kept going off, but ignored them. Cell phones ringing were ignored, too. It wasn't until the sound of the intercom, asking If Janie and Johnny could come to the front desk, their friends are looking for them, did they stop talking. 

Each smiled at one another and at the same time asked, “Is that your name?” Equally laughed, knowing their friends must be beside themselves in a frantic panic. 

“How long have we been out here?”  

“I don’t know, but we better get in. You think or no, “Johnny asked, squinting a little. Showing he wasn’t too keen on the idea of leaving. 

“Let me ask you something”, Janie said playfully, “Why did you ask to take a walk?” 

Johnny smiled as if Janie should already know the answer to that question, “Because, I wanted my full attention on you. No distractions. There was no way we would be able to with our friends around. Don’t you agree?” 

Janie smiled back and nodded her head yes. As they headed back towards the noise, she knew Johnny’s soul knew hers. It was ironic how all the people she was around seemed strangers but had known since being in diapers, yet being with Johnny had a deep connection which words were not needed. Things were just understood. 

Inside, the two groups of friends were standing in the middle of the entrance way. Janie felt the tenseness coming again. Without saying a word, Johnny grabbed her hand. As if to give her strength to face the unknown. 

From that moment on, time flew by. Janie only had 3 months to be in Florida. Johnny lived in Miami. The forty-five minute drive back and forth almost every day was nothing for the two that seemed to love one another. They seemed inseparable. If Johnny was at work, Janie was at the beach. No matter how many friends she visited, none of the time with them compared to the hours spent near Johnny. Too many tried flirting with Janie on the beach, but she wasn’t interested. No matter how good looking or how much money – no one compared to Johnny. 

He was simple and humble. Come to find out, Johnny had told Janie why he lived in Florida. He, at age 19, was working there to support his sister and mother in New Jersey. Their father died and he was left to be the man of the family. They didn’t want to move, but the money was good in Florida. His heart was kind. It was those things that allowed Janie to trust him. Trust wasn’t easy for her. Being abused and her mother allowing it, had limited how much trust Janie had for people. But with Johnny, none of that mattered. 

One day, Janie found out how much the abuse affected her. Johnny was punctual in calling her every day after work. Five Thirty came and went. Next, it was six. By six thirty p.m., Janie laid down and began crying. She didn’t know why. The gut wrenching feeling seemed to consume her entire body. An hour went by after that. It wasn’t until her mother came in and said Johnny was on the phone, did Janie realize she had cried herself to sleep. 

“Hi, sweetie. How are you?” Johnny asked sweetly. 

The sweetness in his voice seemed to anger Janie. She remained quiet, fearing if she said anything would be cries or words of anger. Johnny begged her to tell her what was wrong. He could sense it. He seemed to sense everything. 

Reluctantly, Janie, began speaking, “You didn’t call me. Part of me thought something happened. Then, I thought you didn’t want me anymore. “Janie’s voice became jittery but fluent, “If you don’t want me, then just say it. You don’t have to ignore me. Be a man, and tell me. “ 

It was at that moment, the words escaped her lips, Janie wished she could take it back because of her tone. She realized how she must sound. “I don’t know why I said..” 

Johnny didn’t let her finish, “It’s ok. I’m sorry, I didn’t call. Something happened. Totally crazy and I wasn’t able to use the phone. I was pumping gas and someone drove off, leaving the nozzle still in their car. Gas was all over and cops, ambulance. It was insane. I was there for hours. Then they wanted me to describe the person and wouldn’t let me leave until it was done. Got home, ate, showered, and then called you. Janie, I know your past was bad with your family, but I promise you – I would never hurt you intentionally.” 

Janie began to cry a river. So much, she couldn’t breathe. Johnny sat patiently on the phone until it subsided. He kept repeating it will be ok. Janie felt awful. How could she even think anything bad of him. Then,  to speak in such a horrible tone. 

“Do you forgive me, “Janie asked, while blowing her nose. 

“Janie, there is nothing you can do that would ever make me upset. I love you. I understand you. I know you love me, even though you never say it. You are afraid of loving me since those who loved you, abused you.” 

He was right. The phrase, “I love you,” lost meaning long ago. Hearing it from the ones who abused, was hypocrisy at its finest hour. The overwhelming feeling of warmth and safety swept over Janie. She promised from that moment on not to allow her past to represent her present. 

Summer came and went. All Janie could think about was how she had to leave Johnny. She didn’t want to. Many arguments exhumed between her parents and she. Her father wanted Janie to finish her senior there, meanwhile her mother was aloof about the entire aspect. Janie’s mother only cared that Johnny wasn’t rich like them. None of that mattered to Janie. She knew Johnny loved her more than anyone would or ever did. 

One night, she told Johnny about her plans to run away. She only had a year before turning eighteen and could graduate high school early if she took the tests. Johnny wouldn’t hear of it. 

“Janie, you need to go finish school. I didn’t and work like a dog to provide for my family and care for myself. You have so much potential to become something great. Besides, there is this thing called ‘technology’. It helps people stay connected over distance and time.” 

Johnny always had a way of putting things in perspective and making her feel secure. 

“But, I just want to be with you. I don’t want to leave, but my dad is making me. I know we can talk, but it won’t be the same. I’m afraid that once I go – you will forget about me…about what we have.” Janie’s face didn’t show how she felt – sadness. 

“Janie, do you remember the first moment we met? I knew then how I felt. No one mattered but you amongst hundreds. Not my friends I had known for years. Not my past or my burdens. Just knew I must meet the beauty I saw before me. Now that I have, I can never forget. You left an imprint on my heart that no one can remove. Do you understand what I’m saying? I worry more about you feeling that way.” 

Later, that evening, Janie and Johnny were at the airport. Sitting there waiting, Johnny cried a little. Janie tried making light of the situation by taking a picture and saying, “Now, here we have a Kodak moment. Strong Johnny crying.” Realizing it was not the time to joke, Janie wiped away his tears. As she looked into his eyes, Einstein’s theory of relativity popped to mind. She finally understood it. Being around Johnny for hours seemed like minutes, awaiting the plane to be away from him seemed hours – even though it was minutes away from happening. 

Time went on and Janie and Johnny remained in touch. Even through the distance, they could always feel one another. If something negative was happening – the other would call. Timing seemingly priceless. A year, Janie continued to think, “It’s only a year to be with the love of my life.” 

One day, Janie received a phone call from Johnny’s roommate. In a way, she knew it was not good. All day, there had been a feeling of uneasiness and confusion. Her thoughts seemed sporadic. She didn’t know why until she heard Chino’s voice. Her heart dropped to her stomach and a lump seemed caught in her throat. Her body got weak and the room began to spin. 

“Janie, this is Chino. Are you sitting down? Please, sit down before I talk.”

“I’m sitting”, Janie said sternly. 

“Janie…….something happened to Johnny. There was nothing we could do. We were all walking along the strip when out of nowhere a gang war broke out. Many people were shot. This includes Johnny…” Chino’s voice trailed off. 

Janie could hear him holding back tears to be strong for her. 

“So, he didn’t make it?” Janie asked professionally. “Is there going to be a funeral and where will it be?”  

Chino explained that his body was going back home to his mother’s hometown. Offered Janie the information to get ahold of his family. Janie hung up the phone, feeling lost. Or maybe, the news had not sunk in yet. Tears didn’t come and Janie wondered why. All she knew is that never would she attend the funeral and now would be the time to call his mother.  

After offering her condolences and hearing all the wonderful things Johnny had told his mother about her, Janie hung up the phone. Feeling numb, she went about her time as if nothing had happened. Days went by, then months. Janie was present in all daily activities, but something was missing. Years went by and always Johnny was present in her mind as if he was by her side. Yet, still – she never cried. One day, in college, Janie had to make a persuasive speech to the class. It was to her final for communications. She decided to persuade people to always go for what they want in life. The story she told was of Johnny and her. Rehearsing the speech, it was at that moment, Janie began to sob. 

All the feelings of love that was known through Johnny and how he treated her. How angry she was that someone, out of carelessness for life, took the life of her beloved. How the one person in the world who understood her, was no longer around. All those feelings of loss had her crying. With all her tears, Janie could have filled a small river. The ache she felt the day Johnny didn’t call her right after work, was the same one that crept up and grabbed ahold now. Curling into a ball, Janie fell asleep. 

In her dream, Johnny appeared. He stood behind her, as he had awaiting to play the game at Grand Prix. Even his voice was the same when he spoke -sultry, “Janie, don’t be upset. Do not look at what you have lost, but what you have gained. See my death, but don’t wallow in it. Celebrate the time in which I was there. I love you.” 

Within moments, Janie awoke. Still feeling as if the dream was reality. Maybe the dream was her subconscious. Maybe it was truly him coming through to that other realm scientists cannot completely explain. Whichever it was, didn’t matter. The words were truth. 

Alfred Lord Tennyson once wrote, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”