The One Boy I Couldn't Have

A sigh escaped my lips as the brisk autumn air wrapped itself around me. The cold suffocated me like an anaconda to its prey. As if I wasn’t cold enough with my natural body temperature. I looked up at the dull, overcast sky in distaste. It was the first day of my Sophomore year and so far, things were looking bleak. I shook my head of those negative thoughts as I rounded the corner and neared my bus stop. Ahead, I could see two of my best friends. Johnathan and Henry. We’d basically grown up together, so we were close. I saw both of them as my brothers and, though they wouldn’t say so, I’m sure they saw me as their younger sister in some way, shape, or form. I smiled as they turned their attention towards me, and I began to wave frantically.

            When I caught up with them, we began to talk about how tired and hungry we all were. Could you blame us though? Our school started at 7:30 in the morning. Then, we started to discuss what we had done during the summer. Theirs mainly consisted of videogames, hanging out with friends, and visiting family members. I would say that mine was the same, but I did a lot more travelling that most. In all honesty, I was glad that I had friends like them. Especially Henry. He had a very…older brother feel to him. He was always someone that I could turn to if I needed help with something or if something was bothering me that I didn’t want to tell my parents. 

            Soon enough, the bus came, and we climbed on. I took my seat in front of the heater. The warm air greatly appreciated on my frozen skin. “Are you cold?” Henry asked as he looked at me from the seat across from my own. I nodded slightly. Although I was heating up, I still felt some chill on my bones. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and was about to unlock it when I felt someone grab my hand. I turned to watch as Henry brought it up to his face, making my hand cup his warm cheek. “Damn, you’re like an ice cube,” he said with a slight chuckle. I could feel warmth rise up to my cheeks as I quickly pulled my hand away from his face. He chuckled again and turned his attention back to Johnathan to tease him about something he had done over the summer. 

            I was lucky he couldn’t hear my heart racing. 

…

            A few months later, Christmas had just passed, and we were back in school. Henry and I had texted often in that time and we had even gotten each other Christmas presents. I got him an action figure of one of his favorite super villains while he got me some starbursts. I giggled when I saw them. There was a small story behind the candy. You see, I would never actually have time to get breakfast, so what I would do, is I would go into the pantry and get a package of starbursts to help tithe me over till lunch. I would usually give him and Johnathan one at the stop in case they were hungry. 

            However, after receiving his gift, my parents and younger sister wouldn’t stop teasing me about it. “Have you texted your boyfriend?” “When are you and Henry going to go on a date?” “Have you held hands with him yet?” As I thought about it more, I realized that they might be right about me liking him. That scared me though. I didn’t want to ruin the bond that I already made with him. Most of the people that I had even tried to confess to had always become awkward with me afterwards, though they would forget over time, I would always remember. 

            One January night, I was having a hard time. Stress and anxiety were building up and, although my parents were in the other room, I decided to text Caleb. He gave me words that helped me through my small episode, and I was then that I decided, I had to tell him how I felt. So, that morning, I grabbed a sheet of notebook paper and pencil and began to right my feelings for him like a story. I told him about a girl who had gone through so much and the one person she could rely on. About how their relationship began to grow as they got older and how she figured out that he meant more to her than being a best friend. When I had finished, I waited for him outside of his classroom after the bell for my third period class had ended and handed it to him. 

            Once my deed was done, I briskly walked away, not wanting to see his expression when he read it. My anxiety built up throughout my classes as I kept passing him and he kept giving me the same answer. “I haven’t gotten to read it yet.” Then, at the end of the day, he came up to me on the bus. Sat next to me. And gave me a look that made let me know. He didn’t feel the same. We talked about it some on the bus, and then we parted ways to go home. After a few minutes of coming home, I got a text from Henry. He was finally putting to words what his look meant. Gently, he told me that he didn’t have the same feelings for me and that while he said that, he meant that he still thought of me as a friend. With that, I was a little satisfied.

            I knew that I would probably never have his heart since we were best friends. However, I wouldn’t trade the friendship that we had for anything. I needed my nerdy, older brother. And it looked like he needed his innocent, younger sister. Not a girlfriend.