The letters

Dear Nolae,

It seemed stupid for me to write to you first, but I kept thinking about you and I felt bad. You know, i never stopped loving you, haha you could call me dramatic I guess. But for me just being your friend was enough, I guess that is until we stopped talking. If I’m honest I knew Alice liked you, I was shy around you, I was scared you’d leave me for her, I know I’m slightly over perceptive and paranoid but i couldn’t bear the pain if you did. Part of me realises I was stupid, yet other part of me thinks I was smart because you’d waste your time on someone as worthless as me. You know I never intended this to happen. I’m only writing these letters as a last resort, except for some reason I’m writing one to you first and pouting my heart out. I’m not the type to cray at movie theatres I guess, because I try and hold back the tears. It’s difficult since I don’t know how to fully express emotions sometimes. I don’t really know what else to say, I guess I should say thank you. This isn’t the first time I’ve written someone a note saying goodbye, but I’ll admit that the other time I was seeking attention to stop my parents arguing, I guess I have to say goodbye to you as well this time. But only if it happens for real. Also I forgot to mention, I didn’t write this to embarrass you, that’s why it’s addressed to you and you only, although it is entirely up to you what you wish to make of this and whom you show it to. Well then I guess this is goodbye. I’m sorry.

Dear Mariam,

You know your my best friend already, even if we say we’re enemies. You were my best friend. I kept thinking of a reason why I was continuing, but when I did I realised it was for everyone around me. If I’m going to live my life than shouldn’t it be for me. I don’t want you to be sad, you have your whole life ahead of you, I know you’ll become a famous artist so don’t give up on your dreams. Listen to your heart but make sure to follow your head, that way you can never go wrong. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but now you will never know how sorry I am. It’s too late. I never intended for this to happen, this was just an easy escape. Perhaps I was too weak, pathetic even, I get it if you think I am. But please don’t stay mad at me, I’m sorry, there’s so much I want to say, it I don’t know how. In reality I was stupid, I let the illusions in my head become real, and then crumbled down after. No matter how many times, again and again, I would repeat the same mistake, and I’m sorry, but it got to much.

Dear Theo,

We didn’t really know each other that well, if I’m honest, I always found you kind of a jerk. Hahaha sorry now that seems mean, you might not even care that I’m writing to you, but still I hope you remember me. I really wanted to be your friend since I wanted things to work out between me and Nolae. You know, I’ve always wanted to be friends with a guy, since i find it easier to talk to guys. I guess now we’re out of time tho, it was nice knowing you I guess. I’m sorry. I don’t know how you’ll react since i guess we weren’t really close or anything.

Dear dad,

I’m leaving now, you’ll never see me again. I didn’t want to do this, but I was miserable. Although I don’t completely forgive you, I think I finally begin to understand you, it’s weird that it took me all this time. You know you put us all through some horrible stuff, If I’m honest it made me really messed up, I’m sorry, I know that I can’t completely blame you but still. I don’t have much to say to you surprisingly, but thank you for trying to make me pursue my dreams. I’m sorry, I’m torn, so I wanted to let you know, that before the same thing happens to Serina, take your meds. Be the father she so badly needs and so desperately wants, because unfortunately you weren’t that father for me.

Dear mom,

I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do this any more, I know this will hurt you a lot more than it hurts me to write this. But I’m not happy here, I don’t think I will ever be happy, in fact I’m miserable. If it weren’t for you though I would’ve been a lot more miserable. I admire how strong you are, but I’m not. I keep picturing everyone’s face when I leave them, but it’s not fair to me, why do I have to stay for everyone else. Please don’t be sad. You made the part of my life with you so very much more worth it. I don’t like seeing people sad, which is why I have never tried to leave before, but I realised by doing so I am making me sad. Stay strong ok? That’s what I want, I hope I never have to make you read this, because I know you, and I know this would break your heart. I’m not doing this because of you, I’m doing things because of myself. I don’t know who I am anymore, i wanted to be happy for you, to make you a little less sad. I know this isn’t something you’d want because you are the most selfless person I know. But still. I don’t know what else to do. Know that I’m sorry and I love you.

Dear Serina, 

I’m sorry for all the times I called you a brat, you weren’t really but I just didn’t know how to describe you. It’s difficult, you were a great sister you know. I hoped I ‘d never have to put you through this.

Dear anyone else,

I’m so sorry, please forgive me. Remember me, ok? thank you for not hating me.