“I read it somewhere that each day about 1,600 youth tries their first cigarette,” I said.
We were both sitting on the hood of the car in a parking lot. She was holding a cigarette and looking up at the stars.
“One fact states that based on your lame replies, you have no interest in what I am saying.”
She watched as the smoke filled the air around us and started disappearing after a few seconds.
“I don’t understand your fascination with facts or the reason why you care so much about things that don’t matter,” Red muttered.
Even though I had no idea why I liked them, it was a fascination which ignited and I didn’t even realize it, I can’t explain this to her, I have realized I can’t explain a lot of things about myself.
“They matter to me for some reason.” I don’t think this sums it up but it is enough explanation.
“I liked it at first that you were mysterious, you did questionable things and it was part of the fun but now I think it’s immature, you need to be more realistic, give some thought to your future. I don’t think you need me there with you.”
“I never needed you but I liked that you were around. I’ve never pictured my future.”
“Being around is not enough, I need assurance. I never know what you're thinking. I don’t know why you ask me questions about existence. Answering questions with no answers is exhausting. You need to plan for tomorrow and drop your mysterious facade”
I wish it were a facade, I would have been a peaceful person.
“It is exhausting but I get in a phase and I need opinions. I- “
“What you need to figure out is how to grow up and realize that being impulsive and wondering will lead you nowhere. You need a plan and I need one too, I am going to take a break to think things over.”
red stood up and stomped on the fallen cigarette.
I know I won't see her again.
It was last winter when I met her. I used to visit different playgrounds and I found her sitting there, staring at a bird. I sat next to her and she asked me whether I smoked and extended her hand towards me to offer one.
People are like colours and the moment I saw her, I knew she was red.
Now that she had left,
I should go home too but the idea of sitting in an apartment staring at the ceiling for the whole day is not enticing.
So I did the next best thing, walking.
I think walking around can give you answers to unasked questions.
I walked and walked till I passed by the house where the old woman keeps screaming, next to her house lives an old man who lost his business in a day and lost his wife the next day. Now he lives without electricity. Looking at people with a more bleak life can drift your mind away from your sadness.
But you can't run away from it. I stood near the cafe.
I remember, after looking at the pretty green and blackbird, I asked her if she wanted to come with me to the hot chocolate place.
I traced my steps and visited the small coffee shop. That day we sat in the corner and talked about things that didn’t matter.
I would like to go back to those simpler times.
After walking around for 30 minutes, I concluded that
1) people are like smoke, they will form a pattern and then they will fade into nothing. I knew that it was a matter of time before she would leave, but I wanted this pattern to be the most beautiful one I’ve experienced so far so I tried too hard.
2) Trying too much can be a reason for failure. I should have followed the philosophy of letting things flow naturally. I tried so hard to make every moment count that we ran out of happiness.
Red was caring, she cared too much, that's how I knew that we were different. She told me about the people who left her and how she wants everlasting love. We were both sitting on the roof looking at the black sky. In that darkness, I hid my face.
I knew I was going to be on the list.
My reason was that nothing can last for long. Her desire of having a life with me was one of the nothing
Everything that's created will fall apart.
How could I have promised her everlasting love?
Magical moments can only last for so long before people start fighting and try to dig up every little flaw in each other. I never wanted that end for myself.
Red wanted to stick around but lack of certainty made her pull further away. I’ve been waiting for this to happen.
Red texted me saying “I gave it a thought and I can't do this anymore. goodbye"
We both had similar conclusions.
I felt relief wash over me and I felt sadness. I was not surprised.
Lost is what you feel when you don’t know what you are looking for and this wicked universe tricks you into thinking you have found it.
Then moment you realise this is not what you are looking for, you have already done too much damage. I think I was not a good match for her. I am impulsive, she wanted stability and reassurance.
She thought too much about her actions while I preferred whatever the moment offered. Living in the moment requires fooling ourselves and she was never a person who could have been.
I went to grab my diary and started drawing a pattern while thinking about our memories. It was not as beautiful as I thought it would be. I named it “red” and closed the diary.
The next step after someone leaves you is to relive them.
I went to the roof and opened the book she gifted me. I reread it and pictured the main character as us.
I went to the flower shop and got a bunch of Plumeria and threw them in the lake we visited.
In the apartment, I played her favourite song and lit the cigarette she smoked.
There is sad happiness in losing someone.
When you are recovering from the loss of someone, you realize how they impacted your life and that moment of realization is the most hopeless thing in this world.
I worked, ate and slept and thought about where I went wrong that is another hopeless yet hopeful thing in the process.
You want to be better.
Then comes the day when you realize that the hunt continues and that is one of the most twisted ways of getting short-term happiness in life.
Everyone around me kept telling me I was lonely.
I’ve never been capable of feeling lonely, I had myself. Every day I passed by the house with no electricity and saw the man dancing and singing in this kitchen.
According to society, he should have been lonely.
People who are incapable of being happy with their selves try to find distractions in their life.
“More than 60% of lonely people are married” another distraction perhaps.
I don’t want people who can eliminate my non-existing loneliness, I want people who can dare to exist with me and question useless things that never mattered.
We might find a future along the way.
The good thing about someone leaving you is that you discover yourself again.
Even though it was for a short time,
her red matched the blue I had And I will forever be grateful for that.
I looked at the sky and the red was fading away.
And perhaps it's for the best.