The last breath of December

I was looking at the stars and thinking of how mysteriously life unfolds itself. Deep in my thoughts and lost in the skies, my heels clicked and knocked me off on the ground. A stranger from the tea stall nearby walked up to me. 

"Hey! you okay?"

I looked at him, and around. Okay, I needed some tea, I thought. 

The enthusiastic stranger sat me down and made me so comfortable that it was uncomfortable. He said he'd walk me to the hotel that was a few minutes from the tea stall. He needed company, I could tell. And I wasn't surrounded by attention givers of some sort. He waited for me to drink up, and I waited for my tea to turn cold. 

"Oh I've heard there's a beautiful cliff diagonally opposite to the hotel, and the view from there is something to die for!" he was excited.

Why was he telling me that? I wondered. But I was quite random too, so much I often surprised myself. "Ah, I have enough time on hands," I said complying at another adventure. 

"That's great because it might take some time to walk it out, but the pathway is smooth I've heard. Even a blind won't trip." The enthusiastic stranger convinced me.

"Then I see a chance to read out something to you that I wrote this evening?" 

He raised his hands and bowed leaving it as a cue...

"I believed if I looked at the stars for long enough, I'd probably even catch a glimpse of you. 

So I sat there and scanned through the sky to find you, but I could only find the constellations that I have memorized. Events, faces, stories, I forget them all. But these maps of the skies must be ingrained in my soul, for me to navigate planets in the blink of an eye. It was the peak of winters, and my…our favorite constellation was watching me back. The wind was freezing and I kept looking at the sky. The view from this hill was astonishing, the stars shined with all their glory. And the Earth below was hiding behind dark shadows. Oddly synced, I wondered if everything alive was like that? 

The cold weather kept pressing itself against me, but I could not feel it anymore. I wondered why was I on the edge of a cliff in the freezing night, who in the right mind would do that? But again, when was I even in my right mind. Though something kept me warm, no not my thick overcoats that were hugging my body, no. Something within me, something inside kept me warm. Maybe the memories? My love always reminded me of the stars, and I couldn't thank them much. Even now, I wonder if it was all a dream?

Memories of my last day were fresh, my existence seemed pretty perfect to me today. All that I admired always aligned well. I had been to one of the quietest beaches at the odd hour of dawn and let the sunrise seeped into the corners of my skin leaving a burning sensation that was hushed by the roaring waves crashing my feet. It was also the time when I saw you for the very last time. Last of all the chances that the eternity had allowed me of. And even if I were to see a tomorrow, today would still be our last moment together. Why? I never questioned. 

I thought how would you react to the news. You’d probably cuss me for choosing this way out, and that would be fine I guess? But I didn’t choose this, life chose this for me. The stars were shining gloriously. I don’t think even the stars were happy to take me away from you. 

Life after death is pretty much the same just that I don't know if I have departed yet? Why do I still feel empty? As if my soul is tied to my heart and maybe it's still beating. While my body has turned cold with the winter breeze. I was here breathing fine, just a few heartbeats ago.

I was on the brink or somewhere in between. I have not ascended, nor descended. So I reminisce, of the moments that were twinkling right here. But just like the life I had just left behind, the memories too were fading away.  Was it all a dream then? 

I looked around taking details of my surrounding. It was the last week of December and I was on some hill that I'd forgotten the name of, with a stranger beside me who only knew that I like my tea cold. Who was he? I tried to recall, but it was long gone, from the hills and my memories. Why was I on a hill in the cold breezy weather? The memories were slowly fading away. And I sat there, seeing what all I could take with me. I'd be fine with just some last traces. I have the memories of yesterday, I was walking on crowded sideways of my city, thinking of my friends and family. Did I fly here then? To the hills? Wuuush, it's gone. 

I wondered why none of it surprised me? 

And the only thing that did was, that with all my love for Winters, it was Winters that took my life away.

I must have seen this coming. I must really be leaving, now that I see the circles of life. Now that I look back it all happened in its right time. I brushed off those thoughts as I saw my body shrink down losing the battles against the cold wind. And that wasn’t one the pleasant events so I turned my head towards the sky, watching the sky never felt as lonely as it did now. And these shameless stars always reminded me of you.

Okay let's see what else is gone?

I used to always forget my stories, but never yours. I remember the stories you've told me about your childhood. I don't know where I saved them but they're here with me, even now. My memories of yesterday have been clumsy enough to leave my soul this very instance but the stories of your happy childhood are still playing in my head with your laughter ringing melodiously in my ears.

You're here, still here. Even when I'm fading away. 

But I remember how I was always afraid you'd never come. I was always afraid I'd leave before you do. Look how my fears played their trick on me, I thought you wouldn't and just when I saw you, my soul gave up. You were probably the only reason I could withstand this life of unsettling emotions. Here, I am looking at the stars. I haven't felt so lonely ever before. But even the tears have lost their way. 

A memory flashes, I remember talking about you to the stranger. “Oh, so where is he?” the stranger asked me. And with all my heart I couldn't even answer that the right way. “Just here... He will always be here.” I said with odd breaks. The stranger gave up, he should have probably given up long back. 

I smiled and closed my eyes thinking of the memories and wanting to hold them but they kept slipping away. The memories kept brushing off, and I couldn't control a single thing.

I seeped into the last few memories and time kept turning back the pages of my life. As if someone was erasing all that I ever was. All that I spent one whole life for, one by one, day by day, I saw my years vanish away. All that I was, was now not even a memory."

..

By the time I was done reading, we were at the hill. I wondered why I read out the story to this guy whom I had just met...what would he make of my story, I thought.

"Hey, that was really something! A narration by a person who has passed away." He said, totally amused I could read his expressions. 

"By a soul, in the passing." I smiled and corrected him. 

No one messed with the details. Not me, not anyone else.

He nodded, and I cleared some space close to the edge of the cliff and sat cross-legged on the soft grass. The stranger imitated and sat beside me. The view was really something to die for, I could see the darkest shadows of Earth and the brightest of stars. My thoughts came in swiftly and left. I was lost in some thoughts when the stranger interrupted.

"When was the last time you had been to a city?" he asked.

Strange, I thought. Why was this stranger interrupting my thoughts? But I never left any questions unanswered, so I answered quickly

"Yesterday." 

I responded and zoned out again, the events of that eve all seemed beautifully blurry now. The stranger was hesitant about something, I could sense it. And I wondered why were we the only ones here?

"So you flew here?" He asked out of the blue.

"Of co.." I almost flipped at him for asking something so silly, but I stopped. It was a simple question, but I couldn't remember.

He read the confusion on my face but waited patiently, glancing at me. 

Did I fly? Of course, I must have, I thought. But why do I not remember?

I looked at him, his eyes now terrified. I read them like an open book and smiled.

"So… I do not remember." I concluded and continued to look at the stars. 

-trustonlystars a.k.a Jannie Fernandes