Green creatures in us

Katherine could hear her mother screaming in the other room and knew that she must have done something wrong. It was always her who was to blame. Katherine was only 12, but she had passed through this very often. For a second she froze but before she managed to hide under her table where was her safe place, her mother had entered.

“What are you doing?” An angry question that never needed a real answer. Her mother didn’t want to know what she was doing anyway. There was the evil green creature in her again. Katherine could almost see its features in her face coming closer to the surface.

“Nothing.” And there was a hint of fear in her voice.

“Nothing! I can see the mess here. I can see the mess in the whole apartment. Didn’t I tell you to clean the kitchen before I come home?”

“I wanted to do it later.”

“Later? What does it mean later?” Katherine hated how her mother or maybe the green creature always repeated the last words.

“I didn’t know you’d come from work so early.”

“Early? Ten hours at work seem too little for you?” She could actually see the rage growing.

“No, Ma. I just thought that it wasn’t so late.”

“What are you doing anyway? Thinking again that you could become a painter?” The contempt in her voice said it all. It expressed how desperate her mother was and how she really just wanted to hurt her because she herself was hurting. But then again, it could have been the creature speaking through her mother. It was very careful never to reveal itself fully.

Katherine quickly hid everything and went to clean the kitchen without as much as looking at her mother.

Katherine saw the creature growing in her mother. In every similar fight, it was getting closer and closer to her. And how it always knew that Katherine was painting? It was as if there was a hidden radar in it. 

Katherine used to escape to her painting. It was the only space and time where she was safe. Noone could reach her there and noone could hurt her. But the green creature knew.

“You little bastard! Who do you think you are? You ruined my life and now you think that you will ruin yours just so that I wouldn’t get any support when I grow old?”

Katherine understood very clearly that the desire to study at Arts School was met with a very severe No.

“I brought you into this world. I have the right to decide what you will do. Your uncle had already enrolled you to study accounting.”

Katherine felt desperate and the adrenaline made her brave. “You didn’t bring me to this world. You are a mere fragment of who my mother used to be. You think that I cannot see it, but I can.”

The flash in her mother’s eyes was revealing, she knew that she had guessed correctly. But at the same time she could also see the remains of her mother and she could see her fear and pain. And somehow she knew that she couldn’t leave her alone. Even though it meant that she would have to keep fighting with the green creature.

So she enrolled to study accounting.

“How are your grades?” frequently asked her uncle. He asked in a very kind voice but Katherine sensed some distortion in him too.

“Good, uncle.”

“Sure? You know that I got you here because of my name. You are obliged to keep the good family name.”

“I know, uncle. Thank you. Of course, I will.”

“I’m keeping you under my protection, my darling. Don’t worry. But I’m keeping an eye on you.”

Katherine obliged. She was a good student. Diligent. She spent every possible moment revising books and studying for exams. It was very well instilled in her to try to be the best one. Never in her life had she disappointed anyone and she sure wouldn’t start now. 

___________

“Darling! It’s so good to see you again.” her uncle’s lively voice said behind her.

“Uncle! How have you been?”

“Very good. Very good. I was looking for you. What are you doing this spring break?”

“There is arts course in Minnesota. I was thinking of going there and dedicating some time to myself to relax a bit before the next semester.”

“Nonsense! I have a wonderful course for you on international standards. You are gonna love it. You’re gonna be so grateful to me.” Kathe glimpsed a greenish colour in his skin. And she got scared. Her mother passed away last year. They all said it was a heart-attack, but Katherine knew. The green creature had killed her because she was no longer useful to her. 

“But uncle. I did this on all holidays. This is the last holidays, the last chance I have to go to this retreat.”

“Exactly, this is your last holidays. The last chance you have to prove that you are better than the others. Next year you finish your university and you will have to get a job! There I cannot protect you anymore. Do you really want to waste the last holidays on retreats when you can get ahead of your competition? What would your mother want? Think about her. How much she sacrificed for you.”

Even though only a year had passed, Katherine remembered from her mother only the frightened light in her eyes. She no longer knew what her mother would really want. She was confused. 

“You are right, uncle. Thank you.”

______________

Even now she clearly remembered the pictures that she used to hide from her mother. Pictures whose versions she tried to recreate again and again. She was half drunk sitting on the floor of her room in Warsaw. Who knew why she was drinking? She sat on the floor of her beautiful living room all decorated in a decent beige colour. A spotless sofa, a big television, sound system that made every movie feel real. She remembered as she gulped down the last drops of wine, she had studied a respectable university and became a very good and respected accountant. She learnt to like her success. 

The first bottle of wine was gone and she looked around as if she had suddenly awakened and was disoriented by the environment. Her living room was covered in childish paintings. She knew why she painted only with wine. Now she didn’t need her mother nor her uncle to interrupt her attempts on art. Now she was perfectly capable of doing it for herself. The moment she saw her daughter’s colourful pens, she remembered not to waste her time and to get to answering emails instead, so that she could be more productive tomorrow. She knew why she was drinking. Now, the wine was the only thing that could hold the green creature for awhile so that she could enter the world of shapes and colours. She knew that it was growing in her head and sometimes she started to feel the same fear that she saw in her mother’s eyes.