You have decided to make a pie. This is quite the endeavor, but with the right approach, anyone can figure it out. Just remember, the process is what makes the pie a success. It is far more than the sum of its parts. If you fail to complete the steps, all the steps, you shouldn’t even begin.

Step one - get the appropriate pie dishes. I remember my mum’s dishes, battered and dull. We would sneak them into the yard and epic battles would ensue. Shields, armor, cymbals and drums announcing the oncoming slaughter. Mum would eventually notice and call us in, and we would scrub them until our hands were raw in the hot, soapy water.

Please note, baking is important. I told my husband as much when we were compiling our registry, before he was my husband. He knew the right kind of pie tins to ask for - the shiny, smooth ones from Sur La Table that look so much more presentable. “Picture perfect,” he said, “Yields a better product.” Indeed, I have learned that love always looks like love. Love is picture ready. He comes from a different sort of family. The right side of the tracks, one might say. But I don’t always use those tins when he’s away at work. I use my mum’s. She baked pies for us, and I, in turn, bake for my people.

Step two - plant a blackberry bush. Ask your husband to stop by Home Depot and purchase a blackberry plant on his way home from work. Have a martini waiting for him when gets home to show your gratitude. Make sure to get the plant in the ground as soon as possible. The yard can be intimidating, it’s typically not your domain, but take comfort in knowing that a small garden is very different than lawn care/maintenance. There is no machinery involved. And of course, you would never dig up his lawn. You’ll be sure of it, that goes without saying. My husband spends two hours every Saturday, 11am to 1pm, carefully attending to his grass while I prepare lunch. The lawn is finikey and complicated, but he knows just how to make it even and flawless. So select a small, unclaimed section of the yard for a small and tidy garden. Good gardens ought to be tidy, and good wives know how to cultivate these small, tidy spaces.

When your corner has been claimed, take your shoes off, wiggle your toes in the damp, scratchy grass, and then in the mud. Allow the mud to slide between your toes, squishing and squelching in the late afternoon. Gently, very gently, place the plant in the ground and firmly pat around it. When you have completed your task, make sure to clean your feet before re-entering the house. You don’t want to make a mess.

Sometimes it takes a long time to do things the right way. Think of this as an investment. Don’t take shortcuts or he will know. He will see right through your efforts and know that you have faked it all.

Step three - make little humans. This is crucial to the whole process, as you can’t really ever bake something if you haven’t reproduced. Love has to go into the ingredients, and how can a woman really know what love is if she hasn’t allowed a child to tear through her body. If she hasn’t held a baby to her breast. If she hasn’t spent her days wiping sticky hands and snotty noses. This goes back to my point about shortcuts - you can’t skip this step. This is how you will understand your love for you husband and it shouldn’t be overlooked.

You may, at times, think that the little humans distract too much from your goal, and this is true. It is up to you to prioritize. Make sure your husband knows that he comes first, the children second. Once he tastes your pie, he will understand.

Step four - pick the blackberries while your husband is away at work. This is a messy job. You may scratch or prick yourself. Blackberries are in season during the hottest part of the summer. You will sweat. Your sweat will run together with the blood drawn from the thorns. This is how you know you are doing it right. It should hurt, but no one needs to know. No one should know. If your children have to be present at this moment, make sure they see you are smiling. You should enjoy this labor of love. Be a good role model. Remember your mum baking.

Before moving on to the next step, ensure that you wash up. You need to be presentable. Plan ahead so that your nails are painted and you have been waxed everywhere waxing is appropriate. It may be hard to cook with your perfect manicure, but a truly dedicated wife will know how to do it. Take care to wash away the blood and dirt. All of it. But personal hygiene is more complicated than that. It is really an art. Before I was married, I tried out different scents until I was able to discern what had the most desirable effect on my fiancé. I remember one night at dinner, I was trying out a subtle rose scent, something somewhere between the blossoms of the secret rose garden you imagine as a child and the dusty old lady smell emanating off your grandmother’s afghans. The perfect blend of enticement and cottling, smooth petals and gnarled fingers. He noticed. Well, he didn’t say anything, but I noticed that he noticed. It was the start of something. Do your research and pick a fragrance that is soothing. Nothing too sexy. Remember, you are a mother. Even if you are not a mother, you are a mother.

Step five - time to assemble the ingredients. Put the kids in front of the television but make sure it is off before your husband gets home. Take off your shoes. Take out the flour. Sink your hands into the soft powder. Stretch each finger, one at a time. Then slide your hands out slowly and clap, allowing a white cloud to emerge from between your palms and settle onto the countertop. Observe for a moment. Cherish the beauty of the delicate pure white against the dark, veined marble. Then immediately clean it up. No one should see the mess. Marble is expensive and needs to be looked after.

Step five is probably the best step, but it is important that you don’t get wrapped up in the process. Remember, this pie is for someone else. It isn’t for you. You want him to know both that you worked hard for it, and that it was effortless. But if no one is around, take a minute to sit still in front of the oven with a glass of ice tea. Note the sweetness of the tea mingling with the salty remnants of sweat and tears on your lips. Inhale the sweet scent as it gently wafts from the oven and cocoons you. If you selected your personal toiletries well, the scents will merge together as if they were destined to be one. Harmonious. The scent will last long after the pie is gone. It’s something that doesn’t easily wash away.

Step six - When the timer goes off, set the pie on the counter to cool. At this point, all the dishes should be clean. The kitchen should be spotless. The children should be reading quietly in their rooms. Go outside to pick a small, simple bouquet to display next to the pie. Once outside, you may wish to keep walking, to walk far away. Resist this urge. Remember to return. If you did everything right, he will love you.