Own Goal

It all seemed so simple then. I was finishing my grade twelve studies and I knew exactly what I wanted to do in life. I would go to university ( my grades were good ) , when I had my chemistry degree I would get a job in research and lead a useful working life, while taking care of my supportive husband and two children. I don't think I gave much consideration to money or home, but no doubt I assumed that would all take care of itself; just as balancing the needs of my family and my career would not present any difficulties.

I suppose that with variations of career and family size, most of my class mates had very similar dreams of their future. I have not kept in touch with any of them and I wonder how they worked out. Mine, well, let us just say that on my journey through life the road has not been without potholes !

I was accepted at my chosen uni , and spent two months there in a whirl of study, socializing and flirting. I was excited and happy and every day seemed full of interest and pleasure. it was the peak before the trough. I became ill, not just unwell but really ill. Oh, I don't want to get into it, not even to think about it. It is over and I want to confine it to the past; but it ended my stay at university. The illness, the cure and the convalescence took time and when I was fully recovered I was older. All those who were freshmen with me had moved on. Because of changed family circumstances I was faced with making a living. I was fortunate enough to find a tolerable job which paid enough for me to rent a one bedroom apartment and allowed me to study every evening and most weekends. I could not allow dinner dates, concerts or trips to the beach to distract me.

Friends, old friends because I had no opportunity to make new ones , told me that I should take a break, have a life; but I still had that dream. My two part exam taunted me. One year I would pass organic chemistry and fail inorganic, then the next time I sat the exam I would pass inorganic chemistry with flying colours but fail organic.

Time passed and I was able to gain a position in a company engaged in just the type of research that interested me, I was only employed as an assistant, lacking the qualifications for advancement, but my employers knew that I had the knowledge and the drive and they promised me the longed for job as soon as I managed to get that damned exam licked.

Finally it happened. Today I sat that exam again and I was certain that I had nailed it. The feeling was great. I entered the familiar room with its rows of desks and chairs, each with those intimidating papers turned down, awaiting that moment when we were given permission to begin. Several of those present were known to me, not as friends or acquaintances, but as faces seen here before, when they too must have failed. We nodded, half smiled but did not speak. I felt my heart beating faster , as it does when stressed and I think that we all felt that tension that is akin to an athlete awaiting the starting pistol.

When I started to write there was both an excitement and a calm. A " no big deal, I can handle this " feeling. This was always lacking before, and maybe I was better able to access the knowledge which was stored in my brain. No panic.

On leaving the examination room most people were quiet and probably mulling over their responses and weighing their chances. I turned right at the bottom of the steps and headed for the park instead of going straight home. I walked to the pond and shared my uneaten lunch with the ducks. I tried to analyze how I felt, There was satisfaction .Of course there was, but there was also an unexpected feeling of indifference . I was thirty three, my life had been pretty one dimensional . That improved situation at work would be on offer now, but I did not have the family I had envisaged and there was no husband, supportive or otherwise. I had actively discouraged any romantic entanglements for fear of distracting myself from my goal. Beating them off with a stick, as my dad used to say. Ben, a colleague was patient, but no doubt discouraged by my attitude. I regarded him as a good friend, but I knew that he hoped to be more than a friend.

I left the duck pond and breathed in the cool fresh air. I strolled along, no hurry today, and noticed a small boy playing with a brightly coloured ball while his very pregnant mother sat watching from a bench. I would go and get a take out coffee and bring it back here to drink, but first I would phone Ben, tell him..... what would I tell him ? That I was not chasing a dream any more, at least, not that particular dream. It had taken me a long time, a very long time to realize that my eyes were so focused on the mountain that I was not seeing the flowers at my feet.

I have not felt so happy since I don't know when. Is it because I finally achieved my goal, or because it no longer seems nearly so important? I increased my walking speed , exited the park and crossed over to my favourite coffee shop and ordered a large latte , then I headed back to the same spot in the park, where I said " Hello" to the little boy and smiled at his mother , then I punched in Ben's number on my cell phone as I sank onto another bench nearby . Okay, I acknowledge that I still have a dream, just a different one.

ENDS.