“Can things get better? Yeah, you only have to let go of the fear.”

If only! If only it was possible to reverse time, if only! Everything will still be very much intact. I won’t be this broken. I won’t be ruled by my many “what ifs?” I won’t be this lonely – the one thing I dread most. It wasn’t of my freewill to tell him that. Mars wouldn’t have. And I don’t know who I became then. I was just controlled by that strange feeling then. I can’t even decipher what it was. And as weird as it sounds, I still have that feeling but do not know what exactly. Can things get better? Yeah, they can be much more better without that strange feeling.

“ You do confuse me, you know?” Crystal asked me. “Now, why would you say that?”

“I don’t know either.” I replied reflectively.

She laughed quietly at my reply. “Seriously?”

“ Honestly, I'm really confused. I don’t know what it is.”

“Then think deeply. I ain't feeling the same way as you are, so I wouldn’t know.”

I sat silently and thought deeply about it. I remembered when he gathered me into his arms. I was so happy then, relaxed with no worries. It was perfect! I could feel his love then. But something actually stopped me. Something propelled me to say it wasn’t enough. What was that? ...

I was – scared??? Yeah, that’s it. I was afraid. But of what?

I feared losing him. I felt the love we have for each other ain't enough. I feared being alone. I was scared of making any mistake that would drive him away. I was afraid of losing him as I lost my father. I feared losing him as I almost lost my mother. I remembered Charisa – my reflection. She left me also when we were just two years. She died as a result of a hole in her heart. I loved her! I loved my father! But they're gone now. Far away from me. My love couldn't stop them from dying. It just wasn't enough. And I am scared of losing someone else who I love. Not Josh.

“I know what it is.” Crystal uttered suddenly, bringing me back from my thoughts.

“ It's called Thanatophobia.”

I've heard that before. But can’t really remember its meaning.

“It is the fear of losing someone you love.”

Did she just put a word to my thoughts?

“You are scared of losing him. You do not want him to leave also like your dad and Charisa did. You do not want to be alone again, like when your mum brushed you aside. You do not want to risk it. You, my friend, are thanatophobiac.”

How was she able to do that? How could she have known what I was thinking of.

“I could tell. Your body language spoke volumes.”

Can she just stop that? She is freaking me out with her endless answers to my thoughts.

“I do not think you have anything to fear. Just go get him.”

I snorted with laughter. “As if it will be that easy.

“I assure you it will be. He love you way too much to play hard to get.”

“And how sure are you that he won’t do just that?”

“As I said earlier, he's in love with you. Everyone can see that.

I sighed deeply.

“It’s unusual.”

“ Yeah, it is. I doubt if I have a phobia for anything.”

“ You have the luck then.”

She chuckled softly. “ Just my luck.”

“Can things get better, Crystal?”

“They can. You can also. Just let go of the fear.”

My arms slumped of their own accord. “How?”

“You know how, Mars.”

Still I remained silent.

“They would not have wanted you to live this way. They would have wished for you to be happy. They would have wished you the best love you would ever find. They would not have want you to be – She looked me up and down “ – this way.”

“ Just tell it to God – He would take it all away. And work on it also. Give no room for fear. Entertain no negative thought. Let it go.”

I sighed again, deeply this time around.

“How about the panic attacks?”

“They are really terrible nowadays.”

“They ain't yours. I still believe that strongly. Everything will be better. It will come back to being intact.”

I hugged her tightly. She gasped suddenly in surprise. “Thanks Crystal. Thanks.” I muttered repeatedly.

After some minutes, she tapped me lightly. “I’m trying hard to breathe. You can release me now, you know?” 

We both withdrew from the embrace. I kept on smiling sheepishly at her and she smiled back in amusement.

“ Thanks for being my friend. You are the number one sibling God never gave me.”

“Right back at you as well.” She replied, obviously glad.

“You are okay now, right?”

“I guess I am.”

“Good. Your mum can start planning her welcome party for you now.”

“She want to organize a welcome party for me?” I asked, clearly surprised.

“That was meant to be a surprise but since I've spilled the beans, yes.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I should head out now. You should have some time to yourself.”

“Okay then.”

“ If I were you, I would get ready for whatever crazy party your mum is going to throw. I won’t be surprised if it's gonna be tonight.”

I laughed out loud at that.

“And one more thing – She said before walking out “ – Josh definitely will be your guest.” 

• • •

 “Marissa Lynn Knight!!!! Come out now!” Another text from Crystal appeared on my phone’s screen.

Does she have to type my name in full? My friend can't get any more crazier. 

 I got dressed, then went downstairs. They were all there, clustered in groups. They were mostly my mum’s friends. I went round, exchanging pleasantries with all and sundry.

I finally spotted Crystal at a corner, deeply engrossed in a conversation with someone. I couldn't have a clear look at who it was.

“Marissa!” Someone screamed my name.

It was Colton, Crystal's little brother. I scooped him up swiftly as he got to my side.

“Holla.” He said to me.

Wow…. Spanish?

“Hola como estas?”

“Muy bien. Y tu?”

“Bien.”

He looked at me expectantly, awaiting my comment.

“That was pretty good, Colton.”

“Gracias.”

“I missed you.” I told him, ruffling his hair.

“Same here. Are you back finally now?

“Yeah. I'm back.”

He smiled brightly. “l’ll come meet you later.” 

“Promise?”

“Yeah. Pinky promise?”

I laughed, then watched as he ran off to meet his parents.

I spotted Crystal again. She raised her glass towards my direction, motioning me to come. 

“You’re here finally.” She said as I got to her side.

I was about to reply her, but was cut short.

“Mars?”

I froze instantly.

It can’t be true. That voice only belong to one person and he is right behind me or by my side. I looked up to meet Crystal's gaze and she had a knowing smile on her face.

“I won't ever forgive you.” I mouthed to her.

“You will thank me later.” She mouthed back at me, then walked off.

I slowly turned to face him. “Hello, Josh.”

He was still as handsome as ever, with that his signature smile curving his lips. 

“Bella ciao.”

 “I was scared!” I blurted out.

God!! Can I ever stop that stupid habit of blurting words out suddenly?

He said nothing to that. He wasn't confused either.

“I was afraid of losing you.”

“Yeah – you were.”

“ But I ain't anymore.”

“ I know.”

I was surprised at his demeanor. He was calm, not even mad at me at all.

“ You ain't mad at me?”

“ I'm not. You really broke me. But then, I remembered your words. You promised me you'll come back to me. I held on to that.”

“Oh Josh!” I cried out. “ I don't deserve you.”

“ Don't say that, Mars.”

I hugged him, then sobbed against his chest. He allowed me, stroking my hair as he tried to calm me.

“It's all right.” He said.

I pulled away and stared at him, my eyes sparkling with tears.

“No, it's not. Don’t tell me things are okay when they are not.”

“ I'm telling you now that I'm going to make them right. I promise.”

I laid my head on his chest again.

“ Am I enough now?” He asked suddenly.

I wiped my eyes and nose. “ You are.”