Time goes fast and life flies by

I glide through the water effortlessly. I make my way to the water surface fast and I can feel my lungs burning for the need of oxygen. Moving my legs faster and purposefully while I feel the flames in my lungs.

One stroke.

One movement.

And I break through.

The cool evening air hits my wet face, and I slow down my movement to catch my breath. No people but me in the ocean and I smile to myself, relishing in the feeling of being the only person awake in the night. The night is silent, and the water seems to be moving slower in the dark. I slowly swim my way towards the shore. I do slow strokes, focusing on the soft ripples of water hitting my body as I move through it. I swim slightly faster, alternating between having my head under and above water. I can feel sand under my feet. I walk towards the shore. The sand is nice and warm under my feet and I feel the sand sticking to my wet feet as I walk on the beach. I take a few steps further into the beach and sit down on the sand turned towards the ocean, wrapping my navy towel around my shoulders to keep the breeze out. I close my eyes.

My busy workdays seldom give me the opportunity to wind down and think. I like my job. Even though it is hard to help people and draining to be their support when they need it the most, it is always fulfilling and rewarding to see their happy faces. I still have my family. I am thankful for that. My mom works in a store and my dad is retired but loves to paint. It is nothing much they always say but, in their age, they are just grateful for still being able to do things. My sister moved away. She did not like the city, especially after getting her first child, so her and her husband moved to the countryside and now live a simple life. Idyllic almost, some people would say. Every time I visit them, I get taken aback by the beautiful nature that surrounds them. It makes me pause. Sometimes I grab myself in envying them and their lifestyle. I can never put my finger on it but there is something about it that makes me want to drop everything I have in hand and run to the nearest ocean. Something under the surface. I can feel it. But of course, I never do it. As if my life were not busy enough, I also strive to keep a social life and I could not even dream of having the time to travel. Well, doesn’t this beach taste bitter now.

I don’t have that many friends. It doesn’t matter though. My best friend, Tack, has always kept me good company. He has been with me since we were in kindergarten. Never has he ever let me down and we have always had the same kind of humor. He has always been my rock, my lifeguard, saving me from the deep waters of life that not even I could swim past. He sees things from a more realistic point of view than I do. Well, I mean. He used to. A phone call disrupts my work. A long night shift, I remember looking at the clock right before picking up the phone. 3:47. I left work after. Did not come back for two weeks. Hence me being on a bitter-tasting beach. The phone call will forever sit in my body, engraved in my bones. Words I never thought I would have to hear, suddenly are the words that follow me around every day. And it is ironic, I think to myself. I could save anyone else. But not my best friend.

“Shit…” I mutter silently under my breath. A stinging in my chest as if somebody has grabbed my heart with their fist and squeezes around it. Exhaling from the breath I have been holding, I lay down on the bare sand and try to focus on the coolness of it. Let it distract me. The feeling of another person’s hand on your skin. Foreign, yet calming. Someone is there for you, even though you might not know them well. The sand slowly gets warmer from my body and I open my eyes. The view takes me by surprise. Small dots of infinite light scattered on the night sky. Their small, almost unnoticeable movements hypnotizing me into a state of tranquility. It’s been a while. My mind travels back to a fond memory of mine.

“I just don’t know if it makes sense anymore to continue,” I said after swallowing the rest of my soft drink.

“What is holding you back?” Tack mutters lazily. Attentively.

I sit myself up, my back aching from laying on the grass for too long. Tack, still laying on his back, turns his head slightly, letting it rest on his left shoulder. He looks at me.

“Do you ever feel that… life just, you know, runs by? And…”

I sigh, looking around, feelings quite stupid with the wording of my thought,

“…it sometimes kind of forgets to take you with it?” Silence fills the air, no one says anything for a while. Then Tack breaks the silence.

“I think I get what you mean,” He smiles at me but turns his head and looks up at the sky. The stars shining bright that night.

“I just let it run,” Tack says casually.

I frown, letting my eyebrows turn downwards, forming wrinkles in my forehead. I think about what he said for some time.

“What?” I ask, knowing deep down what he means, but wanting him to explain it.

“You know,” he says, “If you let it run, and you don’t keep up, it will eventually have to slow down and follow you”.

I chew on the statement for some time.

“But how can life follow you?” I ask, confusion evident in my voice and face. Betraying.  

“Look,” Tack sits up now, expression more serious on his face and he is looking directly at me.

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right?”.

“Right,” I answer, looking directly at him.

“But what if you don’t want to make lemonade? There are other things to make from lemons, you know. Okay, this sounds stupid and, if to stop the analogy here, all I am saying is that there are a lot more opportunities in life for you, than you seem to comprehend.” His voice was strong and purposeful. He takes a deep breath as if the short burst of thought took his breath away. I could have felt that he was blaming me, but I know Tack better than that. He continues.

“I just…” Tack continues, calmer now, “I just don’t want you to think that you only have a small, limited set of possibilities. You’re too good for that.”

“Too good for what?” I ask, only focusing on the words coming from Tack’s mouth.

“To be limited.” His eyes held the world in that moment. I felt it. And I believed every word.

My eyes slowly open. I feel my throat, restrained, fighting. I sigh, but it comes out as a quiet sob. I feel a tear rolling down my face. I bow my head in disappointment. This was meant to be a trip away from the busy life I led. To give myself a break. I look up at the stars. Sometimes I really wish it were true. That the dead look upon us from beyond the stars. That they look over us. But I shake the thought off me. I wish I had understood what Tack had told me back then. Maybe I wouldn’t have become a doctor then. Or maybe I would. Maybe it doesn’t matter. All I would have known is that he saw so much more in me. More than I ever dreamed off.

I will forever miss him. But I will never forget him nor his words. I lay myself down on the sand again. Tranquility suddenly running through me. I exhale, as if something had shifted in me and everything feels calm. I gaze at the stars. One of them blinks. I smile and let the blink be a permission for me to fall asleep.

To let go.