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Mystery Horror Funny

CW: Violence


The storm was bad. In fact, it was terrible. Rain  falling from the sky as if an onslaught of arrows from a great and terrible legion. The wind howling through the night air as if alive and malevolent, seeking to pry apart the stones and bricks that shielded man and draw him out into the tempest.


Leonard's carriage threatened to give in to the threat, a few times Leonard swearing he felt his carriage begin to lift. His horses neighed restlessly, and it took near all his might (which wasn't much, Leonard being a man of rather slender build and frame) to keep them in line. As chance or fate would have it (Leonard believing in neither, the one time he read a Bible as a child his father finding him and smacking it out of his hand then smacking him across the buttocks, telling him to never entertain such foolishness again) a house with lights on inside sat a little in the distance.


"Thank heavens", Leonard said as he steered the horses towards their newly found spot of reprieve.


When at the house, Leonard got off his carriage, quickly tying the horses to a pole. Several steps later, and a near slip at the porch, Leonard found himself knocking twice against the drenched oak door. He stood, tight with anxious anticipation. A few scurried steps, a bang and a clash later, a man's voice traveled through the wood.


"...yes?", it said, with slight trepidation.


"I'm in need of shelter, if you could so generously provide it. Only until the storm has ended, or at least dwindled to a tolerable degree."


Silence, then hushed chatter and more footsteps.


"Okay, just a moment."


A chain and lock rattled, and the door opened, revealing an older, ashen haired man with a long face like a horse and narrow blue eyes. He wore the clothes of a rich man, and though slightly bowed, had the demeanor of one as well. His mouth was slightly bloodied. Behind him stood a young woman, and a young man, the man having obsidian hair and the woman flaxen. They shared the long face of who Leonard presumed was their father. Also like their father was their bloody mouths and alarmed eyes.


The man stepped back, and Leonard stepped in. The living room was large, at least as large as most people's houses. A fire burnt in the fireplace (which Leonard briefly thought was strange, but was soon distracted by something stranger) and off to the side of the dining table lied a dead man, his body bloodied and a small pool forming around him. A little from him lay an older woman likewise in the same condition. Leonard looked up at the family.


"I seem to have come at an inconvenient time to say the least, I'll take my leave."


No", the old man shouted. "I-it's not like that. Though I see why you would come to that conclusion. Please, allow me the chance to tell my tale of woe."


Leonard observed the old man, then nodded.


"This....reprobate", the old man said, stepping towards the dead man. "Invaded my house no less than an hour ago, and began a sick and twisted game with my family. H-he..."


The old man stepped towards his butchered wife, tears welling in his eyes. "He took my beloved."


The old man sniffed, inhaling a heavy breath and wiping his face with his palm.


"After he toyed with us some more, taking my wife's blood and smearing it across our lips, I worked up a rage like the wrath of God and rushed the man. At the end of our brawl, well-"


The old man gestured at the maimed man, the pool of blood now bigger.


"-you see the end result."


Leonard nodded, staring at the dead man.


"Very tragic, my deepest sympathies. This act...so barbaric. Are events like this...common here? I've never been to this town, or this side of the river."


The old man nodded, a flash of understanding crossing his eyes.


"Yes...yes, unfortunately they are. Our governor is dead, killed by bandits durning the thick of the hour of the owl, and our mayor is corrupt. Lawlessness now runs rampant."


The old man gestured at Leonard.


"Your accent...you're an American, no?"


Leonard grinned, nodding. "That I am. Oklahoma, originally, though I've spent a large portion of my later adolescence and adulthood in Massachusetts and New York."


The old man nodded once more.


"I know of those places, my brother once visited New York once or twice. Said it was dreadful, but oddly alluring. You're-"


The old man gestured again at Leonard.


"-skin tone. A man like yourself is able to move around so freely? I ask out of genuine curiosity, no disrespect."


Leonard chuckled.


"It's fine, and yes, I do travel quite freely. Across the nation, but more easily around the north, as I'm sure you expect."


The old opened his mouth, then closed it just as fast.


"...would you like some supper? My family was just in the middle of dining before this godforsaken devil stormed in."


Leonard observed the dinning table; baked goods, a slab of lamb, potatoes and an assortment of steamed vegetables. It did look good, and the last meal he ate was ale and a bowl of mystery meat stew last night at a tavern. Still, as professor Lieberman said, one's paranoia is one's greatest asset.


"I think I'm fine; I'm rather full, actually. I just dinned on a stew and bread not too long ago."


"Hm", the old man said. "Suit yourself."


"The authorities", Leonard began. "Have they been contacted?"


"Yes", the old man responded. "I contacted the local prescient just fifteen minutes ago over telephone. Chief Francis has deployed two officers and one Lieutenant Hughes. Not to be proud, but we are among the most important and oldest families in the city, so I imagine Lieutenant Hughes and his men are of especially great haste."


And just like that, a knock thrice done was heard  against the door.


"Lieutenant Hughes."


The old man smiled, sliding past Leonard and to the door. He opened it, a tall, obsidian haired man standing outside, two officers behind him.


"Mr. Everman, sir. What seems to be the problem? I heard report of a murder?"


The old man (or now Mr. Everman) clenched his fist. "Yes, that would be right. My wife, you know her, Beverly, has been brutally killed. I have also killed the perpetrator."


Lieutenant Hugh and his officers stepped in, looking at the two dead bodies. Hugh's face quickly turned white before regaining blood flow. 


"D-dear God...Mr. Everman...I-I'm so sorry."


Lieutenant Hugh steadied his breath, breathing in.


"What shall be done?"


"What can you do?", Mr. Everman responded.


Lieutenant Hugh looked at his two officers.


"...we can take the perpetrator, hang him in the  streets of the marketplace as a warning. If in our investigation we discover he had any accomplices or aid, they too will be dealt with."


Mr. Everman nodded.


"Hmm...and, for my reimbursement, so to say?"


Lieutenant Hugh's face turned white again, and the blood didn't return. Hugh and his men exchanged glances, though nothing verbal being spoken, their eyes speaking volumes. Hugh turned to Leonard.


"You...are you an outsider?"


Leonard nodded.


"That I am."


Lieutenant Hugh looked at Mr. Everman.


"There, you can replace what was stolen. An outsider, no one will suspect anything suspicious."


The hairs on Leonard's neck became erect, and he came to the conclusion that perhaps he was in great danger, and should have left earlier.


"I-I beg your finest pardon?", Leonard said, eyes surveying the room, and the weapons the officers had.


"You-", Mr. Everman began, before putting his face in his hands and sighing. "You expect me to take an outsider? That defeats the whole purpose. It must be someone from the village. Someone of old and local blood."


Now Leonard really wished he had left earlier. Mr. Lieberman had warmed him of the pitfalls of curiously, when not properly channeled.


Just then, the daughter, or whom Leonard presumed was the daughter (he had realized he shouldn't really presume anything at the moment) suddenly knelled over, unleashing a violent stream of red and brown vomit, the contents of which also contained two fingers. Leonard quickly glanced at the man's corpse and realized two fingers were missing from his left hand.


Cannibals? Leonard thought to himself. In the year of our lord 1885? With all the scientific advancements and progress humanity has made? Certainly not.


"No", Mr. Everman said sternly, a meanness now in his voice that may have always been present, Leonard just noticing. "Our contract...our covenant is that I take a local sacrifice. Not a foreigner. Or must I tell you again the fate of your people's grandparents?"


Lieutenant Hugh's shoulders slumped, and his face became stoic. He turned around for his men.


"Go, retrieve someone. Anyone."


The officers stood for a moment, exchanging glances with each other before turning back for Hugh and nodding.


"Yes, Lieutenant."


"W-wait", Leonard interjected. "This is crazy. You can't just go and take an innocent person for...well, whatever this is. It's obviously murder though, I do know that."


Mr. Everman turned for Leonard.


"Since you seem set on not eating, you may now take your leave, sir. The storm has lessened. Somewhat."


Leonard stood, looking back and forth between Hugh who had his head bowed, and Mr. Everman.


"No", Leonard finally said. "I'm not going anywhere."


Mr. Everman sighed, nodding his head.


"Very well, suit yourself. Nadia, will you take care of this sentient nuisance?"


The young woman stepped forward.


"Yes, father."


Nadia opened her mouth, normal at first, that is until her skin began to rip and tear, blood spilling to the floor as her jaw unhinged and the sound of breaking bones filled the room. A hiss emitted from deep inside her throat, and a moment later, an enormous tongue slithered out her mouth.


"Oh", Leonard said. "So not cannibals."


As if a puppet on strings, Nadia leapt into the air. Leonard reached his hand for underneath his pea coat, removing a pistol which he subsequently aimed and fired at Nadia. A sound like lightning striking, then Nadia fell back for the ground, tumbling into a bookshelf.


"N-Nadia", Mr. Everman said, slowly stepping towards her. Blood leaked from her now gored neck. Lieutenant Hugh's eyes lit up, something between a mix of fear and hope. Mr. Everman turned to Leonard.


"Y-you've killed my daughter. How?"


"Trade secret", Leonard replied. "Though, I will perhaps say one thing: I assume you are the progeny of Yig, the serpent god. By curse or by heritage though, I know not."


Leonard looked at Lieutenant Hugh.


"You allow these...abominations to terrorize and control your people, why?"


Lieutenant Hugh opened his mouth, then closed it.


"I-we have to. They are our gods, and that is the covenant we made long ago. We offer a sacrifice, and they protect us."


"Well", Leonard said, opening the barrel of his pistol and finding that was his last bullet. "The gods all left a long time ago, and now we're just left with lots of troubles. Like these things here."


"I've had enough of this goddamn disrespect", Mr. Everman said, his face taking on the hue of a cherry. "So far you've called me an abomination and a trouble, I'll see that no further insults escape that uncouth mouth of yours."


"Do you what you must", Leonard said, not fully paying attention his brows furrowed, hands patting down his coat pockets.


"Where on earth..?"


"Thomas, to me my boy."


Thomas stood for a moment, but shook himself from his petrified trance and walked towards his father.


"Yes, father."


Mr. Everman's face skin began to rip and tear, blood running down the side of his cheeks. His jaw became completely undone, and the upper roof stretched up like a window lifting. His mouth was now a few feet in measurement as Thomas slid into his father's mouth.


"Holy marry, mother of Joseph", muttered one of the officers as his eyes widened in horror.



Thomas continued to slide down into his father's mouth, until only his wiggling two feet remained, they too eventually working their way down. Mr. Everman skin continued to stretch, that is until it bust. A tear was heard, like ripping off tape, and a spray of blood graced the room as Mr. Everman's mask came, quite literally, right off. Underneath, a humanoid serpent head. He continued to grow in width and length until his clothes burst, revealing a dark green and scaly body. At the bottom were stretched out two hands, presumably Thomas's. Leonard had witnessed a lot in his time at Miskatonic University, but this was perhaps among the most grotesque.


"You've brought this on yourself, boy!", an angry Mr. Everman yelled, a hiss following after. He slithered across the room towards him.


"W-what should we do?", lieutenant Hugh inquired.


"Unless you have alloy made by an Elder Thing, or something adjacent, nothing."


Leonard removed two, obsidian daggers, putting them up just as Mr. Everman swung his tail for Leonard, sending him flying into the wall. Leonard fell to the ground, after a groan and moan, slowly rising back up. Blood trickled down the side of his head.


"Lieutenant, if you could though so kindly retrieve my other pistol from my carriage. It'll be in the larger black suitcase."


Lieutenant Hugh stared prettified at the slithering and now incoherent (only hissing and the occasional speaking of gibberish) monstrous serpent which writhed across the floor as if in agony before breaking out of his trance upon Leonard's second shout.


"The pistol, yes", Hugh said, rushing for the door and departing.


"Hiss...", Mr. Everman said, inching his way along like a worm or maggot. "To think that you, whomever you are, could defeat me. Me, a descendant of Yig. Me, who's seen the face of him who dreams himself."


Leonard rushed for Mr. Everman with surprising athletic prowess, jumping into the air and landing on Mr. Everman's neck. There, he began to stab rabidly and repeatedly. Mr. Everman yanked his head up and down, on the last jerk up Leonard flying into the ceiling, only to fall to the ground with a weighty thud. A cough and spray of blood escaped his lips.


"I'm gonna flay you. I'm gonna rip you apart and stretch your skin. I'm gonna grind your bones up and make them into powder. You'll be crying to whomever god you worship that you'd never been born."


Leonard didn't doubt these claims, and fear gripped his heart. Right then, one Lieutenant Hugh appeared, cape flapping from the wind which bellowed in through the open door, and he began to throw the pistol to Leonard, but stopped. Hugh looked at the gun, then at Mr. Everman. He raised the pistol towards him.


"For all the innocents you've killed, and the terror you've caused our people for centuries."


Lieutenant Hugh fired five bullets, the sound of which was like a succession of lightning strikes, and Mr. Everman bellowed as his body was gored. He tried to make haste to Lieutenant Hugh, sliding across the ground with newfound vigor, but fell sideways into a tall shelf before he could reach him. Leonard stood up, giving a nod to Hugh who returned it.


Hugh approached a still, although barely, alive Mr. Everman, who groaned and coughed on the floor. He aimed the gun down at his head.


"Mmm!" 


A loud moan was heard from inside Mr. Everman, down his torso. Hugh's brows furrowed.


"What in-"


"That would be Thomas, I presume", Leonard said, approaching. He pointed down to the arms protruding out like legs, the limbs still moving. "He must be still alive, somewhere in there. Though he's sure to die of suffocation at any moment."


"Jesus", Hugh muttered, eyes wide as he watched the arms thrash wildly about.


"But anyways", Leonard continued, walking to Mr. Everman's head, a bullet hole in the side of it and dark, maroon blood leaking out. Mr. Everman looked at Leonard with half human, half serpent eyes. There was a fear in them.


"Open up", Leonard said, jamming the dagger in his mouth, one end goring into his tongue, the other into the roof of his mouth. With the other dagger, he reached in and tore out one of Mr. Everman's giant serpent teeth.


"Very good", Leonard said, observing the crimson covered white bone now in his hand. "I'd like to see the rest of the class outdo this."


Leonard proceeded for the door.


"You can do what you want now, Lieutenant. And keep the gun, it should be good for six or more shots. Bit of warning, after you kill Mr. Everman, his body will began to steam then explode into black goo."


"W-wait", Hugh said. "This thing...how do you know what it is? The tools to beat it...to kill it."


Leonard stopped, turning around.


"...the world is vast, perhaps too vast, so I did it the way anyone who wants to learn about anything does. Read some books."


Leonard turned back for the door.


"Happy vengeance and whatnot."


Leonard undid his horses, jumping back into the carriage. The storm had lessened somewhat, but was still strong. The sky was black like tar, and the sporadic strikes of pale blue lightning briefly illuminated the expansive countryside, beyond that, jagged mountains. There were rumors of a golem that had run amok somewhere in one of the mountain villages, so Leonard thought he'd head there next. Perhaps this would keep him from further falling behind in Kabbalah studies and mysticism. A gunshot rang out from inside the house, and Leonard rode off with a smile into the roaring black.

July 18, 2024 17:53

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1 comment

Alexis Araneta
15:29 Jul 19, 2024

The descriptions here ! Wow ! Lovely work !

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