Spring Wind

The wind feels different. It doesn't send shivers down my spine as it did a few weeks before. Everything is louder and more alive. Huh, I guess the trees are growing leaves again. I haven't seen flowers in what feels like forever. Then again, it's been a while since I saw the sun.

When I called my therapist, she told me that I should push myself to go outside more often. I know she's right. I know, but whenever I go outside, I can feel the empty space even more. I mean, it's obvious when I'm inside, but that's my space. This space, out here, none of it is mine. It was hers, and she shared it with me. Now that I'm here, it almost feels like I'm breaking some kind of unspoken rule.

Still, boredom does wonders. Inside, it's too quiet, too little. Out here it's too loud, too much. I can't tell if the headache I have is because of the overwhelming amount of living going on around me or because of the pollen floating through the air.

The world is coming alive again. Mother Nature is stretching and waking up. All of this new, overly green grass and all of these little creatures skittering around. It would almost be like a movie if it weren't for all of these damn bugs zipping around. At least with bug bites, I'll have something to remember this monumental trip by.

I can see the colors changing through the branches of the trees. I would have left the apartment a little earlier if I knew the sun was going to set so soon. At least it's a reminder that summer is still weeks away. The world keeps on spinning. Yet some things really do stay the same.

I want ice cream. I guess it's just engraved in my brain now. Every walk that we went on together, we would stop and get ice cream at the pretty shop on the edge of the park. I'm almost there. Even if I wanted to turn around and walk the other way, my feet wouldn't let me. Old habits die hard.

Well, I'm here so there's no use having regrets. Ice cream is never a bad thing. The cashier is smiling at me. I recognize him. From the way that his smile seems strained, I don't think he remembers me. What flavor should I get? Well, my mouth is already speaking the words and my hands are already full of the money. It's fine, there's no way I was going to try anything new anyway.

Oh, well maybe he did recognize me after all. He's asking if we've met before. I don't feel like catching up right now. I'll just tell him no. All I want is my strawberry waffle cone.

The sun is setting. An automatic thank you is leaving my mouth. I really do mean it, but it doesn't sound like it. At least now I have my prize with me. Wait, the boy is tapping me on the shoulder and handing me another cone. I can tell he's confused, and I'm a little confused as well. I guess I am really on autopilot. I ordered a cone for her.

I really can't stand the thought of answering any questions right now. The sun is almost all the way down and I'm starting to feel exhausted from being around all these people. I'll just give the extra cone to someone else on my way home. At least it will make someone happy.

The sun is fully down and the street lamps are turning on. The park is quieter now. Everyone is heading home. With the sun's disappearance, a switch has been flipped. If she were here, she'd be pulling me along, hurrying home as fast as she could walk. The darkness had always scared her. It makes me feel a little guilty because this is her world, but it feels nice to be able to enjoy this evening. There's a magical feeling floating through the air. And pollen. The pollen is still there. 

The stars that are slowly starting to shine and the sweet strawberry taste on my tongue are making me even sleepier. The feeling is not unpleasant. In fact, I wish this moment could stretch on a little longer. My feet are still moving and I am still growing closer to home. Once I'm there, I'm sure I'll snap out of this spell. This taste in my mouth and the bug bites will be the only things to remind me of it. 

Well, they should be if I can get rid of this extra cone. Almost everyone is gone, but I'm not worried. This park never falls asleep. 

The street lamps are casting shadows onto the pavement. The trees, flowers, and grass are all dark. All the colors are gone. Everything is more subdued and bearable. It could be any time of the year at all. Maybe I should come out here and take walks at night. It would be different. I could do it without thinking of her.

My eyes feel wet, and I can't stop myself from sniffing. This time, I am unable to blame it on the pollen. There's a tear sliding down my face, but it's okay. This enchanting spell of the night is making me remember in a way that I haven't let myself in weeks. 

Oh, there's someone walking this way. I can wipe these tears for now, but I know that there will be more tonight. I can make out the man walking towards me now, and he's not alone. I can do this. Just let go.

I am walking up to him. I am asking his name. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything was fine until I looked down. I pause for a moment, and then ask what his companion's name is. Lucy, he says.

She looks just like Coco.

I don't care that I'm crying again. The man is trying to comfort me. I can't imagine how crazy I must look to him right now. I have to pull it together.

Standing back up, I offer him the ice cream. When he tries to explain to me that Lucy cannot eat it, I interrupt him. I explain that it is fine for her, that it's ice cream made for dogs. If he didn't think that I was crazy before, he has to now. 

Still, he's kind enough to take the ice cream from my hands and crouch down to let Lucy lick it. Her tail starts wagging faster. I can't help but smile. I know that I should just keep moving, but I have to ask. He seems hesitant to let me pet her. But, seeing the desperation that I know is showing in my eyes, he slowly nods.

I lean down, giving Lucy a quick pat. Her fur is so soft and springy. She is looking at me with searching eyes, probably wondering who I am. This innocent curiosity in her eyes, so similar to Coco's, makes me smile. 

I am standing up, thanking the man who's name I have already forgotten, and walking away. The wind is here again, a little colder this time, pushing me home. I smile a little wider. Even though Mother Nature has been showing off today, I appreciate the gesture.