A Mother’s Love

“I think you’re going to be just fine.”

Those were the words that made Liam’s eyes well up as the light of the computer bounced off his horn-rimmed glasses. His pink face turned into a puffy hot blimp as the tears streamed down in twisty little trails, leaving dark splotches on the collar of his shirt.

You see, those were exactly the words Liam needed to hear after the fight that led up to where he was now.

He’d been agonizing over what to tell his mother for months — no, years. He’d always kind of known. He never did fit in with the girls his age, and he felt drawn to this different, alternate version of himself, a version he was actually comfortable with. He’d made a clandestine ritual of throwing out his femme clothes and began seeing a doctor in secret for testosterone. 

After several months, though, the changes were impossible to hide. His flute-like voice had started deepening into a warm tenor. His peach fuzz had begun turning into a proper smattering of patchy teen boy facial hair. He’d been concealing his already-small breasts with a binder. He even started smelling like your average 18-year-old guy (well, part of that was admittedly the Axe).

He had to say something. Anything.

“Mom,” he started, appearing in the doorway of the living room where his mother was seated watching Jeopardy. “I need to tell you something. I’m a boy. My name is Liam.”

“Leah—“

“Liam, Mom.”

His mother snatched the remote and made a show of muting the television. “Leah, this isn’t you. You’re my little girl.”

Liam crossed his arms. “Mom, I’ve never felt like a girl. I don’t want to be a girl. That’s not who I am.”

“Who put these ideas in your head?” she hissed indignantly.

“No one, I promise! I’ve always felt like I was different! I just have a word for it now, Mom. I’m trans.”

The remote flew across the room. “No child of mine is going to fall for that transsexual nonsense. Leah, go say your goodbyes to your internet friends, because starting tomorrow, I’m going to be monitoring everything you do online.”

Liam’s bright blue eyes went wide. “You can’t do that! I’m eighteen!”

“And you live under my roof until you graduate, Leah. I’m not entertaining any of this. You are a girl and you always will be. I named you Leah and you will die a Leah.”

Silence.

“I just wanted you to understand me,” Liam muttered, thankful the darkness of the dimmed living room concealed his tears. He turned away from his mother and bolted up the stairs to his room.

“‘Say goodbye to my internet friends,’” Liam repeated under his breath. “Like I have any.”

Desperate for advice, he booted up the search engine on his laptop and frantically searched “FTM forums.” FTM, of course, being the widely used abbreviation for “female-to-male,” or more precisely, trans dudes.

What Liam didn’t know is that “FTM” had another meaning he wasn’t aware of, one he’d not considered when he received a DM from a certain stranger.

WildHeart39: I see you’re looking for some advice?

LonelySloth2007: hi, I’m 18 and really scared

WildHeart39: Yeah, I was there too not too long ago.

LonelySloth2007: really? how did you tell your mom??

WildHeart39: It just got really obvious after a while and I had to say something.

LonelySloth2007: that’s exactly what happened to me

WildHeart39: How did she take it?

LonelySloth2007: not great lol

WildHeart39: That’s a shame. It should be a happy occasion, you know?

LonelySloth2007: exactly, and it’s like she doesn’t even know who I am anymore

WildHeart39: Were you close before?

LonelySloth2007: we were always really close but she can’t accept me like this

WildHeart39: That’s a real shame. You seem like a really sweet person.

LonelySloth2007: I needed to hear that, thank you :)

WildHeart39: I won’t lie, I’m a little scared myself. No one gives you a how-to guide!

LonelySloth2007: yeah, like the body changes are exciting but scary

WildHeart39: It’s almost like going through puberty again! Like what the hell are my titties doing?

LonelySloth2007: I heard all the fat gets redistributed though with all the hormones and shit lol

WildHeart39: Don’t get me started on the hormones! I feel like I’m going crazy all the time!

LonelySloth2007: is that normal?

WildHeart39: I think it is, but I think you get used to it eventually.

LonelySloth2007: how long did it take everyone to be accepting?

WildHeart39: I’ll be honest, a lot of people weren’t accepting. I come from a very religious family.

LonelySloth2007: my mom’s not religious, she’s just mean sometimes

WildHeart39: Sadly some people are just that. I always say that if religion never existed, people would find some other excuse to be a dick.

LonelySloth2007: that’s so true tho

WildHeart39: I don’t know a lot about being a parent yet, but I know that you’re supposed to love your child unconditionally, you know? I already love mine.

LonelySloth2007: you seem really kind

WildHeart39: I’m just trying to be a light, you know? The way they always taught us in Sunday school. Be a light unto the world, or whatever. At least I’m living out that part of Jesus’s message. Even if I’m a filthy sinner to most people.

LonelySloth2007: you’re not a filthy sinner!

WildHeart39: And neither are you.

LonelySloth2007: you really mean that?

WildHeart39: I know we’re just internet strangers, but I really appreciated talking to you tonight. I don’t think you’re a bad person or a sinner. I think you have a beautiful heart.

LonelySloth2007: …

WildHeart39: Did I say something wrong?

LonelySloth2007: no, just no one’s ever been this nice to me before

WildHeart39: I’m glad I could be that to you!

LonelySloth2007: I’m really scared things are gonna go wrong

WildHeart39: Listen, there’s a lot of uncertainty in this world, and to be honest, I’m worried for my little one. I hope I can give her the kind of life she deserves. And I hope if she ever comes to me with something that’s bothering her, that I can be there for her.

LonelySloth2007: you sound like a good dad

WildHeart39: *mom, but it looks like I’m going to be doing both duties anyways!

LonelySloth2007: fair enough haha

WildHeart39: Anyways, the cravings are hitting me hard tonight, so I’m gonna go DoorDash myself something. But keep your head up. I think you’re going to be just fine.

At that exact moment, a young woman logged off the first-time mom forum to order herself some cookies. She rested her hands on her swollen belly and smiled.

And somewhere on the other side of the nation, Liam smiled, too