Love Paradox

Don’t look back, the new day is breakin. It’s been too long since I felt this way. I don’t mind the road I taken, the road is callin, today is the day. I can’t see, it took so long, just to realize, I much too strong not to compromise see what Am I, it’s holding me down. Until realize. I lookout this morning with familiar song, I start my day with same familiar song. I close my eyes and I ride long road. More thn a feeling, I begin dreamin, till I see she’s don’t know where. I remind that girl since past two years.

What’s that all supposed to mean? Regretness? Nihilism? Whatever it is starts again. Tony Lawrence, a 17 years old look younger than he seems. 175,5 CM height, 14 years old facial expressions. It’s been two half years since graduated from West Valley Middle School, California on the hills. That means live on the hills must be something wealth. The truth is true. Honestly, big houses doesn’t meant good inside. More honestly, most of peoples must be sarcastic stereotype about it just a weak kid if doesn’t look happy while their belly full of foods.

Now if you’re feelin’ kinda low ‘bout the dues you’ve been paying. Future’s coming much too slow. And you wanna run but somehow you just keep on stayin’. Can’t decide on which way to go. I understand about indecision. But I don’t care if I get behind.People living in competition. All I want is to have my peace of mind. That’s the phiilosopy of live that he got from Boston band on late 1970s. Graduate from June 1981 from middle school. All of nihiillistic past turn him on the top of himself on high school. Some plague affected California while that time. So on the second semester on March 1982, that’s even make the transformation even faster and extreme. Start to do some simple but discipline workout that if everyone see it on short term thoughts, they will laugh and say something like, “You don’t change anything man, you will be on bad shape for the rest of your life, pathetic!” Peoples who like to read a written book without any image will have mre long term thoughts. They would not affected by stupid stereotype such as “nerd”, “jock”, “bullies”, “goth”, or any kind of stupid stereotypes spread across the world by unknown random high school environment by “raging hormone” that somehow make them even more stupid until unknown time. Maybe due to their “liar” mind couldn’t linked with somelike important problems or trouble. That’s why teenagers who grow on crisis time or hard time will enrage their hormones in a good way. Rebbelion, patriotism, war, or maybe for “position”. Every each of his transformation keep secret until whenever he wants to show it intentionally or unintentionally. Don’t interests to impress anyone. All of this mindset built on his mind since that time. No one knows. Seriously! Only himself, white rent flat across the school. Living himself like hippie, but in a good way. It’s a long road actually. Tony’s dad named Sid, an animation movie producer with popular show named, “The Duck”. For him, it’s just a regular show. Somehow everyone enjoy it like Starwars series. Actually never seen it before. Blonde mullet hair on 1980s really popular during that time, even optimistic nihilistic kid like him like it although keep it for himself. While the Plague pandemic on 1980s, spend all of his time by reading books from dad’s library. Unlike regular kids who enjoy papers full of images with words inside cloud spit out from character’s mouth, book type like that sure keep his fist on it. The books he read must be full of script. Somehow by these simple rutinitions, some intention on his mind just appear, like a light pulp orange around head games. Be a script movie writer. Yeah, maybe close to his dad. Actually Johnny’s biological mom, named Laura Lawrence, take care of him with her sweet voice. Support every each of the boy’s imagination. From martial arts, roller skater, any kind of passion in mind. These thoughts make her sure that his son have full potential to become anything he want despite the fact doesn’t have any single friend. Also countless time fighting in school and constantly in trouble is the evidence of the brave boy. No matter lose or win, but must not lose to fear. Both of parents stayed on Ohio, take care of little brother named, “Daniel Lawrence”, who still in kindergarten. So no one can rationally compared both of them due to long age desperation. One coconut tree besides the flat, and a motel two shift after two houses. Sign of near with beach. And yes, across the Swiscanson motel, there is unknown regular beach wih regular waves. Sometimes Johnny run away to keep the peace of mind, bring a note book since three years ago. There are some stories in it. On the beginning of the junior year, one of the massive realization appears in his mind. Something like explosion, a shocking moment make a person stunt. After 12 half years of life, then the time is come. Compulsive actions seems normal, turns into self destruction. Little by little, affects life, even doesn’t realize it until it’s getting worser than ever. On the vacation just after graduation, something like anxiety comes through his mind. The funny thing is that time there is not any kind of pressure, so it’s logically very easy to overcome it. The problem is the realization just appears while that time. Family come after him, take him to some vacation on the beach near the flat. Even live in an apartment to keep the relationship close to each other. At night, they sleep on two bed per each two of them. One of mind says that should be go to the bathroom and lick the floor and the toilet. Sounds really disgusting, every normal peoples should think the same thing about it. But no matter how the logic mind says, it always overcome by nonsesnse mind of anxiety problem. Helpless, struggle, overwhelmed, uncontrolled compulsive disorder in his mind. No time to realize the real problem on his mind, how to overcome it, or at least not being self destructive. Don’t know what happen if through disease like this by himself without anyone around environment. That just happen over and over until 15^th Jully 1983, junior year on high school . Try to fit in, don’t look back, the new day is breakin. Somehow some of provocator friends back in middle school still in the same environment. Johnny must be know that not only him who don’t like this happen, but actually them, even hate. As expected, some of them try to do some of provocation on the time of introduction of school environment. Of course they did that to not let him make a better reputation, not for being popular or something like that, but at least more respect. Johnny realizes some of his mistakes back in the day. Obssesive compulsive Disorder is the main factor that destroy himself while that time. Or maybe self punishment or self doubt to do positive things that even break himself even more. Even doing stupid stuff to pleasure his anxiety mind that cleary nonsense, really wasted time. There is one day, when this disorder comes out into happiness. Couldn’t even know what that supposed to mean while that time. Me, Tony, as always, stay at school until late afternoon when everyone back home. Obviously to service the problem on my mind to make sure there is nothing left. With tears on mind, overwhelmed by it, daydream on the sunset on the beach by himself. Sitting on the comfortable sand, hopefully make a peace of mind. Hot summer streets and the pavements are burning, I sit around. Trying to smile, but he air is so heavy and dry. Strange voices are saying (What did they say?) Things I can’t understand. It’s too close for comfort, this heat has got right out of hand. It’s a cruel (cruel), cruel summer. Leaving me here on my own it’s a cruel (it’s a cruel), cruel summer, Now you’re gone. The city is crowded, my friends are away and I’m on my own. It’s too hot to handle so I got to get up and go. It’s a cruel (Cruel), cruel summer. Leaving me here on my own, It’s a cruel (It’s a cruel), cruel summer. Now you’re gone. You’re not he only one. Somehow my mind just burnout, walking and standing on the side of the streets. A public transportation drive close near to me. There are two sides of it, front and behind. Don’t know what to say, from the side of me, right in front of my sight, there is a familiar face. Seems around 15 years old just like me, a female, more like teenage girl. Obviously from high school, but different school.

When I was younger, I thought I could stand on my own. It wasn’t easy, I stood like a boy made of stone. But there was something about you, I want you to know. It brought a change over me. It’s startin’ to show. I’ve got this feelin’ inside, gotta have you, have yo, ain’t no good to hide.

It isn’t easy to show what I’m feeling inside girl. It isn’t easy I know,when you believe in a male like me.

When I get angry I say things I don’t wanna say

I really mean it, I don’t want to leave you this way

I couldn/t help my reaction, I want you to know. I lose control over you, I just want you know. Got this feeling inside, gotta have you, have you, ain’t no good to hide. It isn’t easy to show, what I’m feeling inside girl. It isn’t easy I know, when you believe in a male like me.