Into the next

I sighed as I climbed into bed slowly. I knew sleep wouldn’t come to me tonight. Why would it? I can’t sleep just like every other night. I sighed as I closed my eyes.“What day is it”  I think to myself as I silently scream hoping someone will hear me and take pity on me. Deciding that I have been through enough it wouldn’t happen though I knew it wouldn’t happen oh momma I wish you were here. Oh daddy, why did you leave me here? I didn’t deserve to be left alone but you left me alone to fend for myself in this cold cruel world. I pull the blanket over me but i’m still cold not on the outside but on the inside my heart and soul feel frozen and shattered. 

“What day is it?”  I say shouting  louder than I had before. What day is it? I think to myself as I break down sobbing burying my face into my pillow. Why is this happening to me? My voice breaks and I start to scream. My heart shattered. It curled into a ball crying to myself to sleep.  I didn't know what day it was, I didn't know what year it was, I didn't even know what month it was. I didn't even know who I was anymore at this point, the days bleeding tonight, or the night bleeding today. You're probably confused. Let me start at the beginning. It all started when I was twelve Momma left Daddy too and Mama had  leukemia. We tried so hard. She fought so hard.

“My beautiful boy do not fret for I am going to a better place. I will be with my mom and dad” My momma says with a small smile gracing her face.

“I will have a new body, I will miss you my love but I want you to go on. Live your life the way you would have if you had survived. My sweet baby boy take care of yourself for me and keep an eye on your daddy can you do that for me baby.” She lifted a hand up to my face gently running her fingers over the tears that were slipping down my face and my lips began to tremble. My breath hitched. I knew momma was dying but I didn’t want to let myself believe that I needed momma didn't she get that.  Do not cry I told myself momma doesn't need to worry about you she needs to get better, she will get better. I had lied to myself. I didn't believe myself nor do I believe myself now.

“Okay momma i’ll watch over daddy for you don’t worry we will be okay I promise momma.” She offered me a small smile then her hand fell down and her body went still she’s dead I thought to myself. She's gone. I wanted to scream, Tom cruise, and cry. I didn’t get why this was happening to me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I guess that sometimes bad things happen to good people. I snapped back to life looking my momma up and down again.

“Momma no” I finally shouted but she was gone. I knew she was dead but I couldn’t let myself believe that this could be the end. It wasn’t supposed to be the end; she was supposed to be there for my first day of seventh grade, from my first day of eighth and then highschool. My momma was supposed to be there for every mile stone in my life but now she was dead and I felt so alone. 

“Momma please come back to me, I love you please momma I need you, momma please” I begged as my knees gave way and suddenly I was kneeling on the floor my body heaving so hard I felt like I was going to throw up.

“She’s gone” I hadn't known my dad was standing there until he spoke his gruff strong voice now held a tremor to it. I couldn’t speak so I just nodded my head before biting my lip to hold the sob that threatened to come out of my mouth. 

“Get up let's go buddy there's nothing more that we can do.” I didn’t want to leave but I got up from the ground and walked with my dad down the hall. Why wasn't it me? I asked myself silently I would have rather gone through that then have my mother go through it. Oh Momma I thought to myself how I wish you were still with me. When we got home I ran to my room laying back down on my bed I cried myself to sleep that night to this day I still cry myself to sleep I cried for my momma. For my daddy and for myself I told myself that my mom would walk through that door and come and hold me as I cried on her shoulder. She would whisper sweet words in my ear as I feel into a peaceful sleep but she didn’t come just like she didn’t come every night since. After that day my Daddy changed and he wasn't the same. I don’t think he would ever be the same he drank himself into a frenzy. Every time I walked by him he had a beer in hand or some sort of alcoholic beverage. I had begged my daddy to stop telling him that it would kill him. He didn’t listen, just shrugged off my concern and kept drinking. My daddy died from kidney failure. I wasn't shocked but it still hurt. I was alone then. The day after my daddy’s funeral they brought me to an orphanage. I hate it. I hear the same thing everyday: wake up, clean my room, eat three meals a day, then go to bed. The days are blurred. I don’t even know how old I am or what year it is. I'm losing myself slowly, going insane. I'm sorry mommy is my last thought before I slip into darkness.