It's Too Loud In Here

You seem to know exactly what I need. I never feel the need to question you because I’ve grown to know, that you know me. I wish that's what I was here to tell you but regardless I’m certain that’s what you're going to hear. Our conversations grow one-sided and yet you tell your friends we talk so often. 

“Why did you approach me?”

“You were so quiet, peaceful looking.”

That’s what you said when I asked you anyway. Seeing you now, hearing you today, I can’t say I agree. I’ve always been quiet, that has never changed, that is not to say I haven’t grown or have nothing to say. If I asked you now, I wonder if you could say anything different.

You're going to be home in an hour. We’ve been together for almost two years, I am going to confront you today. 

The door unlocks, you’re early. 

I don’t know whether I am relaxed or on edge, I think I’m concerned. Who I am going to meet when you walk into our living room? I told you I wanted to talk to you, I wonder why that worried you. Is it so strange that I want to have a conversation I actively participate in? You put down your things.

“What happened?” You’re so worried.

“I wanted to talk about how we communicate with each other.” I’m straight to the point, there will be no misunderstandings here.

“We communicate perfectly fine, what are you talking about?” 

Well, that was fast.

“Maybe through your eyes but through mine, you are the only one talking. This is a relationship and it takes two to be a part of one.” 

“But you're the balance, you keep me grounded. Why is that such a bad thing? You’re my other half.” 

“No, I am not. I am not the other anything for anybody. We are two individuals.”

“Both parties bring something to the table and that's when they step in.” 

Interesting thought.

“No that’s where you’re wrong. Both parties bring something to the table but there is a balance. You are not assigned to talk while I listen 24/7, active participation from each individual is how a relationship is sustained .”

I decided I was done, the argument was going nowhere. I bring up a point of concern, they bring up a reason why it’s invalid. There is no listening here, only talking, only taking. I’m tired of being taken from.

To many this may be seen as an exaggeration, me taking things out of context and overreacting. It’s not solely about the highlights, the little digs at you or silencing you in passing is what truly builds up if it continues to go unaddressed. It is not normal to be ignored or brushed over in conversation, it's normalized and that is not the same thing.

It’s usually rooted in a belief or a perception that you’ve unwillingly been tied to. I was quiet but perceived as complacent or even inferior. That is what I had been tied to and I have to remind myself I am not a bad guy, they weren’t either. They were just unwilling to listen or see things another way. A damaging and unfortunate way of thinking to live by. You will usually think someone is always against you without listening to why. All that is heard is opposition, reposition seemingly impossible.

I have repositioned myself since you won’t I will. I’ve positioned myself around people I can tell are listening, instead of a fleeting moment, everyone in the conversation moves within it. I don’t think I grounded you, rather I think you made sure I was grounded. I was the thing you made sure never changed, you gave me a mental role and made sure that I followed it.

This was what grounded you, not me but the fact that my role never changed or shifted past what you thought it should be. Sounds awful, doesn’t it? When I explain your actions the way they made me feel. I think that was comforting for you, the idea that something would never change. 

I, however, have changed, moved forward with relationships and interactions that make me feel heard. I am not in control of others behaviours but that does not mean I have to be complacent when I encounter them.

I’ve met someone new and I’ve learned so much about them, about me. I know they have 2 pets: a bird and a dog named lightning I can’t wait to meet. Their mom is the sweetest, I think that’s so important. They are full of light and fun, god listening to them is so amazing.

They seem worried though and I can’t pinpoint why I’ve been so responsive. What could be wrong? I made sure that they feel heard and I’ve nodded and smiled so much that my neck hurts. Should I ask them? I didn’t really prepare for things to go this badly but- 

“Is something wrong?” They ask me, almost annoyed. 

“No not at all why?” I am so confused.

They knit their brow and continue more slowly than before, the date continues but I feel as though they’ve rushed it along. What was so hard I don’t get it, every date they are passive-aggressive then gone.

My head hurts from thinking, from trying, maybe I should focus on myself. All I receive in return are bizarre accusations and assumptions about me, nobody is listening. I brought this up before I stopped answering their calls, I don't know what to do with their response.

I told them honestly I couldn’t wrap my head around what they were worried about. That there was nothing abnormal to me about anything going on, they said that was exactly the problem. Yes, I was letting them open up but that wasn’t the problem they were trying to address. 

They told me that a relationship didn’t revolve around one person, that only listening is just as bad a problem. 

“I talk don’t I?” Was all I could bring out of me to say. 

“There is a lot more to it than that.” The message trailed in my head.

“You sit and stare and nod for hours on end. I feel like I’m talking to a wall, you’re so used to hearing yourself in your head you forget others can’t hear you. You may be listening but how can I hear you if you don’t make yourself heard.” They sighed.

“Bring those thoughts past the walls you’ve created between others and yourself. It will really change a wondrous amount of experiences in your life. For now, however, I don’t really think I want to wait for that to happen. So I genuinely wish you the best. I hope you find a way to make yourself known, don’t spend all your time thinking about how.” They hang up.

I feel like the room is spinning. I can no longer hear my own thoughts, it's deafening. The silence of my apartment, the sounds of people laughing while they wait for the elevator, I hear sounds I was never hearing before. 

My mind was so full of conversations I couldn’t hear the sounds of others losing interest, of my thoughts, never being heard by anyone but me.

It's deafening.