Notes from Beth's Diary

Friday, 12:40 pm

What should I write in this diary? my therapist told me to keep records of good things and bad things happening in my life. I guess first you need to have a name, like Anne named her diary Kitty. I won’t name you Kitty. I want to name you something, some nice word which means healer. Let me google it. I found three names but I guess Jace would be perfect, short for Jason.

Sometimes, nothing good or bad happens in your life, it’s like you feel detached from the world. I don’t feel like going out, meeting new people and clicking pictures. I don’t know what happened to me, since my parents died. I live with my uncle now, but he is never at home to comfort me. I don’t know what else to write.

Bye!

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Sunday, 11:00 am

Dear Jace

Did I tell you what happened yesterday? My friend Claire invited me to Alexis party, I agreed to go with her. Alexis is Claire’s new cool friend and she keep throwing parties every year to be popular or something. I feel my friend is drifting apart or is it just me being self-absorbed?

Anyways, I wore black jeans, white t-shirt and leather jacket but Claire said we are not going on funerals and she took out that hot pink dress that she gifted me on my birthday. She did my hair in a messy braid and put mascara over my eyelashes. I looked like Anabelle but she was happy with my makeup, so I kept mum.

Alexis party was as usual dope. She did fake hugs and kisses and took Claire with her. Both were saying something and then looking at me, I could tell they were talking about me. I tried to ignore, so I sat on sofa when I saw Levi coming towards me. Levi is my ex-boyfriend. Yeah! He did nothing wrong, I just didn’t feel that spark anymore. Levi smiled at me and said “Beth! What are you doing here?” I didn’t speak, I just looked at him and realized I am not over him. He then bent down and kissed me. Why do I feel like crying? Why am I crying? Is he feeling sorry for me? Or does he still love me? I just moved away from him and ran away from the party. I reached home and cried and cried till I fell asleep. Jace, what’s going on?

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Thursday, 9:00 pm

Dear Jace,

Today, I met my therapist. He checked whether I am writing or not. No, he didn’t read anything, he just saw that I have named you. He is a nice man, he took me to my parent’s graveyard and told me it is okay to cry.

Claire called today, she was mad that I didn’t inform her I was leaving the party, I apologized but she won’t listen to my pleas. She said that she is over me, that I have somehow becoming boring every passing day. I know she wants to get rid of me, since she have found new friends and I am afraid that she would become like Alexis, mean and self-centered. Jace, I am tired of myself, I am tired of letting people down. I feel like killing myself.

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Monday, 9:10 pm

Jace,

Nothing, no pain. I want to move out of my Uncle’s house. Where would I go? Ugh! I will die alone in this room thinking about Claire, Levi and my boredom.

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Thursday, 11:30 am

Jace,

It’s nice writing to you, I feel like you are the only one listening to me. I have bunk my school today. No reason, just didn’t feel like facing the people in the school. Claire would not talk to me because I give out negative vibes and she doesn’t want to feel sad and behind my back, she bitches about me. Well, it’s not what I want to say, you know what happened yesterday Uncle came home and asked me if I need anything. I shook my head, so he went inside his room and came out with a big cardboard box. He handed it to me and said, “You might want this.” I took it and inside was some of my parent’s belongings. My mother’s jewelry, my father’s wallet, spectacles and a notebook. Tears rolled down my cheeks, I shouldn’t cry in front him. But he reached out to me and hugged me and said, “Don’t worry, it will be alright, I am here for you, though I don’t stick around with you, but I am here always. Always”. It felt nice to hug someone who is family. I am starting to smile again.

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Sunday, 9:00 pm

Dearest Jace,

Today, Uncle was at home, he told me if I wanna go out for a walk with him, I said yes and we went out. The park was filled with people, birds chirping and children playing on the swings. Uncle was telling me about the time when he was a kid and how my father used to take him out to play. I like it when he talks about my father. We sat on the bench when I saw Levi, he was running around the park, his body drenched in sweat. I tried not to look, but I can’t resist. I love him and I don’t know why I broke up with him.

Uncle was telling me something I don’t remember, my mind was looking out for Levi, when he came from behind. “Beth! Ummm….” His eyes trailed from me to Uncle. “Good morning! Mr. Lewton.” Uncle looked at him and smiled “Oh! Call me Jack.” Levi nodded and looked at me, “I need to talk to you.” Uncle allowed me to go and I walked away with Levi. We both were quiet for a minute and then he said, “Listen, I am sorry for what happened in the party.” I told him that he shouldn’t be apologizing. He looked at me, held my hands and oh god! My heart skipped a beat “Can we be friends? You know I miss you.” I looked at him, when he added “As a friend?” I smiled and nodded my head. Uncle came over and asked Levi to come home sometimes. I am happy, is this real?

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Monday, 8:00 pm

Jace,

I visited my therapist and he said to write about the reasons why you are happy so here they are

1.      Uncle is becoming family

2.      Uncle comes home often

3.      Levi and I started a new journey

4.      Levi told me I should smile often, it makes me look beautiful

5.      Claire didn’t call but it’s okay, I don’t need toxic people

6.      My therapist says I am improving

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Thursday, 8:05 pm

               The vacations has started and Levi invited me to his beach house. Uncle took me out for a dinner. Although he is always busy in his work but I appreciate that he is giving me some time.

Jace, Self-healing is going good. My therapist took me to mental healing center where people share their feelings. I like being there, I made some new friends, and they are all supportive and encouraging.

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Thursday, 8:30 pm

Jace,

My therapist told me that I don’t need to write in the diary anymore, but I don’t want to stop now. I feel like you are someone I could share all my secrets with and it’s easy to tell you. I am working! Yipee! My therapist asked me if I want to help people who go are dealing with mental sickness and I agreed.

Levi asked me out, we share good time together.This feels like a dream. No! This is the real life and it’s much better than a dream.

Jace, I am happy that I found you….. Tomorrow when the sun will rise and darkness would lift its curtain, I will see you tomorrow.