" ON MY OWN "

   Careless whispers drifted on the wind, finally resting heavily on my shoulders and deep within my heart. Twenty minutes before I am to walk down the aisle to marry the love of my life, my fiancee and mother are seen passionately kissing. This is not heresy, I have witnessed this deception. My father is standing by to walk me down the aisle. I snap the photograph, speak to my best friend, confide in her and the officiating minister that the event plans for the day will proceed if not the wedding ceremony. 

    Quickly, I take my place in the vestibule and take a deep breath. My smile is forced and my knees are weak as I float down the aisle. Before the minister, I step aside, while he instructs my fiance and mother to stand in the appropriate positions. The minister places the microphone in my hands as I begin to address the gathered crowd. The words sound surreal coming out of my mouth as I direct these deceivers to spend the day together, excluded from the reception. Telling the gathering there would be a short intermission while I changed into clothing more casual. I promised to join everyone else at the reception. We would be having barbecue and all the fixings with cheesecake for dessert. During intermission I asked my maid of honor to join me on my honeymoon. I would appreciate her company for a week in Hawaii. 

     Flashback to the brief glimpses of Jeremy, my fiance and my unfaithful mother. His look of surprise and shame almost made me waiver in my response to him. My mother lived her life focusing on her sexuality, something my father turned a blind eye to. Blinking back my tears, my heart hurt for my dad reflecting on the years he had endured her infidelity to have a family life. My childhood had been a happy one until I reached my teen years. My mother went through a midlife crisis. Every change puberty brought to my life seemed to suggest a challenge for her.

    Not wanting to keep my guests waiting Julie and I entered the reception hall. Tears trickled down my face as I saw how many friends and family were there to support me. It was amazing that two former members of the wedding party had honored the ministers request to refrain any activities for the rest of the day. We enjoyed our meal, laughing and talking in the present as well as sharing a lifetime of memories. After the meal we went out on the lawn and listened to a concert of Celtic music. As the afternoon progressed, and things began to wind down people stayed to see us off. Hugs and well wishes wished us a fond farewell. As our taxi transported us to our destination, I survived this special day with some take aways.

    Keep in mind: Never allow anyone to strip you of your dignity. Boundaries are vital in every person’s life. Hold your head up and the one constant in life is change. I am leaving to enjoy my honeymoon package in Hawaii. My companion is my best friend, together we welcomed this retreat. The future awaits on a new horizon. 

    We suffered jetlag reaching our destination at " Four Seasons ", where we arrived at 3:00 p.m. the following afternoon. Each of us had a complimentary robe, I choose blue and my friend chose blue. We relaxed with room service bringing a brunch of fresh pineapple and spinach quiche. We lounged on the balcony taking in the light blue of the sky touching the emerald blue green of the frothy water in the ocean. 

    Nightfall brought the luau, a beautiful festive sight with tikii torches directing us to the lively young hula dancers. Hula dancing is a complex art form of dance accompanied by song and chants. The dress for the women were colorful tops and skirts with lei. The dress for the men was short or long pants. Whalebone or dog teeth was fashioned into ankles and bracelets. Female dancers used gourds in the visual telling of storytelling. Tradition states that in years past missionaries discouraged this practice of worship to the goddess Pele. When she reached the island and escaped her sister’s influence, Pele performed the first hula dance. Julie studied dance, familiar with Hebrew and Greek dance. The Polynesian Hawaiian hula dance intrigued her. Legend foretold that the native language came close to extinction. Hand, leg, and foot movements kept stories alive to be passed down through generations. 

    Volcanoes National Park: Day 1 of itinerary: Day hiking across a lava field, we viewed petroglyphs, these are simple etchings in the rock. Tired, hungry, and sunburned I welcomed a hot shower and comfortable bed.

     Spa Treatment:         Day 2 of itinerary: works magic in facials, massages, manicures, and   pedicures. Relaxing later by the romantic poolside. 

     Beach walk:             Day 3: of itinerary close views of wildlife sightings of seals, pelicans, and seagulls.

In the evening on to clambake, dining by firelight.

      Whaling :               Day 4 of itinerary boarding boat to go on a sighting of killer whales.

     Four days and nights, returning on the fifth day. We returned to my apartment, to the sinking realization that things would never be the same again. Julie had been there for me, closer than a family member. I called my Dad and spoke to him for a few minutes, we never spoke about Mom or what drama had recently taken place. I tried to look at this situation with new perspective. I was fortunate to have avoided making a terrible mistake.

     Six weeks later, my life is satisfying I have met someone new. We meet at a dance class I am attending. He makes me smile, and laugh and we like going to the theatre. He has met my Dad and my grandmother living in an assisted living facility. I have met his mom and dad as well as his three siblings. I have ruled out the possibility of him meeting my mother. Unfortunately, now I am a believer in eliminating toxicity in your life. Life is challenging enough without self-sabotage destroying your potential. 

     Last week, Julie and I received a letter from Four Seasons Hawaiian Hotel thanking us for our patronage and inviting us to a return visit. We took a depressing scenario and made memorable photo scrapbooks of a special time of friendship. Even close family, does not have a right to manipulate with you. Every day is a blank slate, fill it as you want it to be.