Lighthouse

Lighthouse

I took a long and suppressed sigh as the car turns, shifting my mom and I. We made excuses throughout winter to not do this. Mom would say, “No, we can’t do it now, it’s practically a blizzard out there.” I would say, “Maybe next week? I have a big Chem exam coming up.” The excuses would build up like a mounting pile of spit in our throats. We believed ignoring it, hoping, pleading that it would go away, was the best route. Of course, eventually, we had to take the gulp. “The first day of spring?” My mom, whispered with uncertainty in her voice, “Yeah,” I said when there was still snow, “That sounds good.”

I never thought this day would come. My mom driving, me in the passager seat, and my dad, in the back, or, rather a vase. The windy, curvy roads added an extra layer of uneasiness to this situation. I mean, I guess it was never supposed to be easy in the first place.

God had given us a little pass, letting the once snow-draped Cape Elizabeth, Maine, transform into a natural heaven. The trees were lush green, full of life as the wind blew through them gently. The sun-kissed my skin softly, bringing out my mom’s and I’s olive skin. The clouds looked like someone had painted them delicately with watercolors.

“Sweetheart?”, My mom mumbled, she was always softspoken, “How are you feeling?” Losing a man, a man you loved for about twenty years, must have been the most painful thing in her life. Or, the most painful thing I know of. Yet, she always seemed to be concerned with how I was. I guess that’s how moms are.

“Doing fine,” I fibbed with a tad of attitude. I instantly regretted that. Why? Why did this have to be so depressing? 

I could feel the pain in her eyes oozing out. “Mom?” I said. Still hurting, she could only nod. “Why did he choose this lighthouse?” I felt the tension ease way, she started to cackle.

“We didn’t tell?” She laughs, “God, it’s so stupid.” Mom smiled at me. “We were in college… I was with someone else at the time but we were good friends.” She sighs, “My current boyfriend and I had been in a bad fight so, I was sad all week.” She laughs a bit more, “You’re father, being the man he was, did everything he could to cheer me up. He bought me ice cream, he wrote a bunch of puns and recited them like Shakespeare,” She stops and sighs, smiling even more, “He even got a lot, too much, like way too much bread from the dining hall, went to the lake on campus and persuaded a decent amount of ducks to be outside of my dorm.” Mom grips the steering wheel, probably trying to pull out more of the story from her memory. “None of that was enough to get me out of bed for more than five minutes,” She giggles in a way I’ve never seen before, “Him, not being a quitter, came to me, Friday that week.” She looked at me, “He had a sorta, crazy look in his eyes… ya know? Like, he was eccentric.” She pauses, trying to look back, “He, well, you know your father, always ready to show his repertoire of impressions.” She looks down with a tiny bit of embarrassment, “He had impersonated my father, and said my grandma was ill.” She looks so rejuvenated to be reliving this, “He said I needed to miss school because she was on her death bed.” She smiles, “Of course, this wasn’t true but, I had an exam that day that I’d completely forgotten about so, I didn’t mind it.” She looks a little guilty, “When he knocked on my door, explaining all of this, I couldn’t help but be a delight,” She smiles more, “He wanted to take me to the most beautiful place in the world.”

“We had to drive for like two hours! He told me to not get high expectations but I did anyway.” She sighs again, “When we finally got there, I saw this little dingy lighthouse.” She pulled over at the lighthouse. It looked to be abandoned, not in a dilapidated way but in a lonely way. Like no one had stepped foot in it for years. 

My mom, probably feeling bold, pulled the lighthouse’s doorknob. It wouldn’t budge. We pulled on it again, and again, and again. My mom, acting like I’ve never seen, kicked the door. After doing this six more times, it finally came down. We rushed in, fearing that a local might find us or something. 

What am I looking at? It was hard to see in here. On the wall, there was a line of musty windows, providing limited light. The coiling stairs were our only way up. In the corner of my eye, I see my mom tighten her grip on the urn. It’s onyx color and lustrous shine make mom’s eyes twinkle.

We walk upstairs slowly. I don’t know if it’s the dreaded circling or the lack of a safety railing but... mom and I took every step like it was our last. 

When we finally reached the top, the tension had built back up again. My heart must have an imprint of my rib cage, considering how much it banged against it. My palms became clammy, especially when I looked down. Mom opened the door to the balcony.

Outside, the wind, more forceful now, blew against my neck, drying my sweat. My mom put the urn down.

“He took me to the very top of here, somehow knowing that the lighthouse man was on vacation or something,” She smiles lightly, “We talked for hours and hours. I remember not being that happy in months,” She grabs the urn and taps the top, “After that, everything changed… I broke up with my old boyfriend and started to date your father.” She starts to twist the urn’s top. “He…” Her voice cracks, “He would have wanted this,” The lid popped open, my mom, there, ready gently tossed the ashes up. He soared in the sky and disappeared in the dreamy strawberry sunset. 

We sat down, letting our legs dangle on the balcony. I take a deep breath and enjoy the view.