First Day Fears

“I really feel quite strongly that it’s a bad idea!” Darren shouted across the hall to his dad “I’m just scared, and I didn’t sleep last night and I won’t know anyone there!”

“You’re not scared son, you’re just nervous, which is fine. The first day of secondary school is always going to be daunting. But it’s 7:30 AM on the day that you start, it’s a bit late to decide you want to go to a different school now!” Darren's dad exclaimed firmly but in an understanding, caring tone.

“I won't know anyone there” Darren whined while pulling on his trousers. 

“You will know at least one person there” His dad responded wryly.

“Don’t remind me,” Darren scoffed.

Darren’s dad slowly opened the door to Darren's bedroom and calmly sat on the bed. “Listen, son, your mother and I spoke about this and, you know, we’re not sending you to punish you. No one’s expecting anything from you, you don’t have to be great in every class or, in any way ‘succeed’. School isn’t just about what you learn, I don’t remember anything that I was taught in secondary school, the point is that…. Actually, I don’t know the point to be honest, but you might find one while you’re there. And you’re not going to find anything that might become a lifelong passion or something that later you might decide you really want to do, or become, or meet new people, just sitting at home. As I’ve always said Daz, just go in there, and anywhere, with integrity and honesty, and a look of acceptance and fondness for everyone you see, and you’ll have a great time.”

“The other kids will know, and they’ll hate me!” Darren Whimpered

“Of course, they won’t hate you, and besides, how will they know?” Darren's dad reassured him “Now come on, I’m driving you in, this time, but you’ll have to start taking the bus once you get settled in.”

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Darren arrived on time, but feeling emotionally drained and exhausted from spending the night awake and panicking. He got into the classroom and found a seat near the back. He looked around surveying the other kids, assessing them. Not as threats so much, more as though he was watching them on a nature documentary, watching their strange interactions and behaviours and hoping none of them felt the need to involve him. 

One kid came over to him, a tall, soft-faced boy with unkempt hair and a furrowed brow.

“Hey, I’m Ross, Ross Benn. What’s your name” The boy said with an unintelligent, yet friendly drawl which Darren found immediately comforting.

“I’m Darren” Darren said, ‘don’t ask me my surname don’t ask me my surname’ Darren thought panicked.

“Can I sit with you?” Ross Slurred.

“Of course, why wouldn’t you be able to?” Darren smirked friendlily

“Cheers,” Ross said and planted his large frame next to Darren “Where are you from?”

“Not far from here, just a bit out of town, you won’t know it,” Darren replied secretively

“You got a brother or sister?” Ross asked

“Neither,” Darren said

Ross looked confused “Not a boy nor a girl?”

“No I mean I have no siblings” Darren smiled at Ross’s obvious mental incapacity.

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The classroom door opened and the cacophony of chatter ended immediately, all eyes were on the figure that had appeared in the doorway. Especially Darren’s.

“Good morning class I’m Mrs Miller” her voice rang out in an upbeat melodic tone. 

Darren sunk down into his chair. As he did so his chair shifted and the hardened rubber foot cups on the chair legs made an astounding SCREECH on the varnished wooden floor. Darren’s panic skyrocketed, as Mrs Milled shot a look in his direction. But she simply smiled, the warmest and most loving smile Darren had ever seen and her eyes said ‘Hi son, I love you’ and she simply looked back at the board and carried on.

“Now class, it’s lovely to see you all, but I don’t know all of your names, so what do we do first? The same as you would have all been doing in primary school, some things don’t change” Mrs Miller smiled and rolled her eyes. “So everyone all together WE….”

“Take registry!” around half the class yelled back, Darren noticed that it was the same people who were causing so much ruckus just 10 minutes ago that also had the confidence to respond to the teacher so promptly.

“That's right, so I’m going to call out your name, and if you exist, and can talk, you yell back…” Mrs Miller joked.

‘Bit of a risky joke’ Darren thought, ‘what if there were mutes in the class?’

“Here” the same half responded with gusto,

“So in alphabetical order…” Mrs Miller called out the registry one child at a time and turned to scan the room each time she heard the “Here” response so she could begin to put faces to names. 

Darren began to shiver, he couldn’t sink any lower into his seat, even Ross had noticed Darren's fading presence. “You alright mate,” Ross whispered. ‘Of course, I'm not alright you dullard, I’m about to be found out, and long before the whole class finds out that you have a stupid name D comes way before R. and soon the whole class will know that Mrs Miller is my mum, and I’ll be condemned, to all the worst torture kids can bestow on each other for the next 5 years’ Darren thought his mind racing.

“Bethany Clark…” Mrs Miller called “Here” a girl's voice echoed back.

‘How can I get out of this?’ Darren thought, sensing the impending doom.

“Charlotte Hartley… ” “Here” 

‘I can’t exactly just walk out of the class’ Darren thought ‘Or can I, no, no that would be ridiculous’

“Darren…”

“Here” Darren spurted out abruptly, in a panicked tone which brought on a few sniggers from the back of the class.

Mrs Miller looked at Darren sympathetically but with a hint of hurt embarrassment and rolled her eyes “Ok” she sighed and continued calling the registry. “Ellen Grahams” “Here”.

‘First possibility of detection avoided’ Darren thought, ‘now if I can just get through the rest of the first day without anyone knowing I might stand a chance’  

Darren's thought was that most kids set an idea of a person on first impressions, and if he could just get to know some of these kids before they set into their minds that he was the teacher's son, and therefore somehow different to them, maybe he could actually make some friends, he might just survive the first year of secondary school unscathed. 

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Darren spent the first half of the class, which mainly consisted of ‘getting to know each other’ exercises and a guided tour of the school, staying quiet and trying to not look as uncomfortable as he felt following his mum around at work. Darren's mind kept wandering, he would look out of each window they passed wishing he could just walk out into that summer day and wander up the street and find himself back at home. The torture of trying to hide his identity was becoming worse than the perceived ramifications of his detection, he wanted his mum, not his teacher mum but his mum mum.

After the tour, Mrs Miller handed out a planner for each kid to fill out their class schedules, lunch and break times. Ross Benn had sat back down next to Darren, as they filled out their planners Ross kept looking over at Darren ‘Oh great, already trying to cheat off of me and we are literally just filling in the planners with what Mrs Miller is telling us’ Darren thought irratatedly.

“You know you look a bit like Mrs Miller,” Ross said smiling cheerfully.

“So, you look like a warthog,” Darren said laughing defensively, Ross looked hurt but shrugged it off, some of the girls looked over and smirked, Darren felt an immediate pang of shame and embarrassment. He was so on edge that he was lashing out at the closest thing to a friend he had made all day. 

“Ok break time!” Mrs Miller called out “Morning break is 30 minutes so I’ll see you all back here at 11 AM sharp” Mrs Miller smiled happily as all the kids made their way out of the class, as Darren passed she tapped him on the shoulder, Darren froze as all the other kids shuffled out looking intrigued as they passed him.

Once she knew all the kids were out of earshot Mrs Miller put her arm on his shoulder and spoke “Hey son, take it easy, you don’t need to panic, I know this is a strange situation for you but I hate to see you so tense, now go out there and make some friends, ok. I love you” she smiled sincerely at him.

“My god mum, please!” Darren protested and wriggled away from her, it hurt him to behave like that but she must understand that if he didn’t accomplish this one masquerade successfully what chance would he have getting through the rest of the year, let alone day?

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Darren walked out into the yard trying to portray the image of confidence and bravado, which quickly fell away when he found himself looking around as the other kids had already formed into groups and were chatting. None of them came over to ask him why the teacher stopped him, or who he was even. ‘Maybe this is all in my head’ Darren thought, ‘maybe none of these kids cares who I am or who my mum is or anything about me’ Far from the existential crisis that thought seems, Darren found it quite liberating. ‘I can be whoever I want to be, I can create the person I want them to think I am’ The first thing Darren does is scan the yard for Ross.

Darren spots Ross looking awkward and alone, a couple of girls walked past him pressing their fingers into their noses, mimicking a pig's, and giggling. Ross looked confused and hurt by the mockery but continued kicking a stone against a wall. 

“Hey Ross” Darren called out so everyone could hear and strode over to him, “How’s it going? Great shoes” 

Ross looked up and beamed a smile at him.

“Thanks, I got them from the shop!” 

Darren looked bemused by the unrequired explanation but shrugged it off. He mustered the courage to wander further into the melee of kids, there was a group of girls huddled in conversation and a pair that looked like sisters, one from a couple of years up from the one that was in Darren's class, and a few boys standing around a goal post three of them older and two from Darrens year. It sounded like a disagreement had started over the use of the goal. Darren overheard the older boys saying that the goal was only for year 8s and over, the boys from Darren's year were protesting that that was unfair. Darren looked over his shoulder and noticed Ross had been sticking to his heels as he ambled around.

“What if we split into teams?” Darren said to the older boys “4vs4 me, Ross and… What’s your names?” Darren looked at the 2 boys from his year.

“Chris” “And Donald” they chipped in 

“So if me Ross, Chris and Donald all get into one team, and you 3 are in the other team, (you get 1 less player because you’re older) and if you win, we will all agree that the goal is only to be used for year 8’s and over and if we win then everyone can use it”

The older boys agreed to these terms based on the premise that ‘there’s no way a bunch of 11-year-olds could beat them!’

The boys all played together jovially, and by the end, they all agreed, even the older boys, that Ross was the best at football even if his team hadn’t won. This made Ross immensely proud and left Darren feeling accomplished.

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While heading back to class Darren overheard the group of girls talking.

“What do you think of Mrs Miller then?” The older girl asked.

“She’s ok,” the girl from Darren's class said.

“You know she used to teach me when I was in your year, she’s got a kid around your age, I think his name was Derick or Darryl, something like that”

Darren could feel a cold sweat coming on. 

Chris and Donald were following behind

“Hey yeah, Mrs Millers cool!” Chris shouted ahead.

“Yeah I think she’s going to be great” Donald agreed.

Back in class, the kids found their seats and an excited cacophony of noise began to rise slowly as they got bored and started chatting. 

“What do you think we'll be doing next?” Ross asked Darren “I hope it’s PE”

“It should all be written in your planner Ross,” Darren said a bit irritably.

“Oh crap”

“What?”

“I don’t know where I left it”

“OK settle down!” Mrs Miller loudly requested as she walked in. 

“Sorry Mrs Miller” The whole class responded

“It’s probably out in the yard, do you remember dropping your bag when we were playing football?” Darren asked

“No, maybe, oh crap!” Ross said looking unnecessarily worried.

“OK, who’s still talking at the back there?” Mrs Miller shouted in a more insistent tone.

“Sorry, Mum!” Darren said distracted by Ross’s plight.

The whole class erupted into hysterical laughter, Darren's head spun, he felt like the world was collapsing around him. ‘Everything was going so well’, he thought now everyone’s going to know. Either that or everyone’s going to tell the story of the kid who called his teacher ‘Mum’ on his first day. ‘How do I recover from this?’, Darren wracked his brain.

“That’s ok Darren” Mrs Miller sighed “but when class starts I expect everyone to keep their attention front and centre, understood?”

“Yes, Mrs Miller” The class chorused back.

‘That can’t be it’ Darren thought ‘That can’t be the culmination of all my fears immediately resolved’

When class was over and everybody packed up to go home there were a few subtle comments in the hall.

“We knew she was your mum,” said a couple of girls, “my sister said so during break”

“I suppose you’ll be getting good grades in all your classes now” one boy suggested 

“I don’t think it works like that” Darren responded, his head down.

“Hey Darren’s smart he’ll do great mum or no mum” Ross piped up to his defence.

“So I suppose you won’t be riding the bus with us? Chris asked a little disappointed.

“Yeah I’ve still got to ride the bus, mum has to stay longer to do paperwork and clean up after you,” Darren said jokingly

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Darren felt the weight of the day slowly lifting from his shoulders as he sat on the bus, chatting and joking with some of the other kids, once he got home he was in a great mood as he swung the door open.

“Dad I’m home” 

“Great son, how did it go?” He asked

“Actually really good”

“So the other kids didn’t tear you apart for being related to the evil Mrs Miller” He joked sarcastically.

“No and I think I made a few friends” Darren said smiling 

“Did you follow my advice? Did you approach the day with integrity and honesty, did you treat people with acceptance and fondness?” 

“Not really,” Darren said thinking back.

“Oh, well did you at least keep your face to the sun so the shadows always follow you?” Darren's Dad asked in a mock grandiose tone.

“No Dad, and you didn’t say anything like that!?”

“Oh I must’ve forgotten that one, but you had a good day anyway, right? And another good day tomorrow, and everything will be great?” Mr Miller asked warmly 

“Sure I think so, Dad,” Darren said and flopped down onto the sofa.

The end