I love you mom

Now that I look back on it, I wish I would have appreciated her more. Showed her how much I truly loved her…

    Everyone tells you to appreciate your parents. To cherish them while you have them, but I don’t think anyone ever truly thinks they’ll run out of time with them. At least not while you’re young you know. 

    I thought I had forever with my mom. She was my best friend when I was a little girl. I always wanted to be around her. I wanted to grow up and be just like her. But as I got older and I started hanging out more with my friends and our connection started to linger. Don’t get me wrong we loved each other. She was my mom, but we didn’t do much together besides eat dinner. 

    My schedule got hectic with school and cheer. Hers was swamped because she started picking up more shifts at the hospital. So even if we wanted to hang more we couldn’t. Life had suddenly gotten very busy.

    One afternoon when I got home, I noticed my mom’s car out front. It was strange because she didn’t usually get home until eight or nine. When I walked through the doors, I couldn’t see her, but I could hear her hacking and gagging. I walked into her room and knocked on the bathroom door. 

    “Mom are you alright?” I asked

    “I’ll be fine sweetie, go order…” Before she could even finish her sentence, she started vomiting again.

    I didn’t think twice about it. I was going in. My mom needed me. I stuck my thumb nail into the lock and twisted it to the right. Unlocking the door and barging inside.

    “Jayla, I said I was fine, just go order something please. I’ll be out in a few” She said. She was laying her head against the toilet bowl. Her face was beet red and she was sweating and shaking. I had never seen her or anyone for that matter like this. It scared me.

    “Mommy what’s wrong with you? Did you eat something bad; did you get a bug from work?” I was trying to put two and two together.

    “Yeah it must be something I ate.” She replied looking away from me. 

    At first glance I didn’t notice her tears but now that she was looking away from me, I saw them falling. She had always taught me If a person can’t look you in the eyes when they speak then they’re either lying or bending the truth. So automatically I wanted to call her bluff but not now. She was obviously already feeling like shit. She didn’t need me badgering her about her health. If she said she was fine, I’d believe her for now… When she was better though best believe I was going to question her about this. I wouldn’t forget.

    “Okay, if you say so. I’ll order Chinese. I’ll get your favorite crab fried rice and wantons.” With that I walked away from the bathroom and into the living room where I left my phone.

*

    A few weeks had passed, and I started seeing more and more of my mom at home. She was always sick. Trying to fool me into believing that nothing was wrong with her, but I noticed. She was looking pale. Losing weight and she always had on this navy-blue Yankees cap.

    Every time I tried to bring it up to her, she brushed it off. Until one afternoon when she asked me to go get her an ibuprofen from my medicine cabinet. I was looking through the bottle trying to find the pills that would reduce whatever pain she was feeling. It was usually easy to spot them but now there was tons of pill bottles in there. I pulled out my phone and started googling the names of the different medicines and one in particular made my heart stop…

    Abemaciclib… Breast cancer patients often took it.

    Breast cancer.

    I felt like I was spinning. Like someone had walked in and sucker punched me. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I felt the tears hanging from my chin. This all made sense now. Why she was home so much now, why she was always sick to her stomach and why she looked so pale and skinny. I slammed the medicine cabinet and stormed back into the living room where my mom laid on the couch. 

    “Mom what the hell is this?” I screamed 

    “Jayla please give me that.” She said trying to get off of the couch but wasn’t succeeding.

    “Breast cancer mommy. Breast cancer!” I was screaming at the top of my lungs and I didn’t care. “You lied to me. You said we don’t lie. You lied to me” 

    “I was going to tell you sweetie, when I was done with chemo and all the cancer was gone.” She said. 

    She reached out to grab me and the instant I felt her fingers touch my skin I broke. I collapsed to the ground sobbing with her on top of me wrapping her frail arms around me.

    “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Jayla” She whispered succumbing to her own tears.

    We sat their crying for hours. The sun had gone and the only light in the house was from the streetlights reflecting inside. My heart hurt. My soul hurt. Everything hurt. My mom. My mommy. My forever best friend was sick. Seriously sick and I was terrified.

    I pulled away from her “Mommy I want to know everything.” I said wiping the remainder of my tears.

    “Okay…” She said blowing out a breath.

    She continued on to tell me that she had known for the past six months but the cancer was spreading so the chemo she was on was more aggressive that’s why she was so tired. Why she was at home more. The hospital and given her a LOA leave of absence while she fought with this ferocious beast. I felt so bad that she had been doing this alone. She could have told me. She should have told me. She was my mom first and best friend second, but we told each other everything. She was always there for me. doing any and everything for me and I wanted to be that for her too. I vowed that from this moment on I was going to put my friends and cheer on the back burner and I was going to start helping her. I had too. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t. 

*

2 years later 

    I spent my 18^th birthday at the cemetery. Not ideal for most but it made me feel closer to the most important person in my life. My mom lost her fight to cancer just three months earlier. It was a long and tough battle. The cancer had spread through out her body. The chemo wasn't working so we decided it was time for her to let go. To stop fighting. It was the hardest decision I'd say we both had ever made.

It hurt. It still hurts but I know she’s not suffering anymore. It wasn’t easy at first but now I’ve come to some type of solid ground. I know she’s still watching over me and guiding me through life as she would have if she was still on earth.

    Sometimes I wish I could leave earth and go to Heaven with her, but I know that’s not God’s plan. 

    I now understand that God needed her so that she could work her magic upstairs with him. She was too great for this world.

    “I miss you mom” I said wiping the lone tear that tried to slide down my cheek “I miss you more than anything in this world. Please continue to bless over me. I love you.”

    I placed my hand on her gravestone and just left it there. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. When I exhaled, I felt her arms wrap around me. I know it sounds insane and scary, but I knew it was her, so I wasn’t frightened. This feeling was actually the best feeling I had felt in a long time.

    This time I let the tears flow freely. It wasn’t a sad cry but a happy one. I wish I would have spent more time with her. I wish I would have asked her how her day was more. I wish a lot of things honestly. It’s fine though because one day when it’s my time I’ll be able to ask her those things again.

I love you mom.