A Little Bit Of Everything

"With his back against the San Francisco traffic

On the bridge’s side that faces towards the jail

Setting out to join a demographic

He hoists his first leg up over the rail…

A phone call is made and police cars show up quickly

The sergeant slams his passenger door

He says ‘Hey Son, why don’t you talk through this with me’

‘Just tell me what you’re doing it for?’



Oh, it’s a little bit of everything

It’s the mountains, it’s the fog

It’s the news at six o’clock

And it’s the death of my first dog

It's the angels up above me

It’s the song that they don’t sing

It’s a little bit of everything…”

- Dawes

I decided to kill myself. Fuck it. Why not?

It was raining when I woke up that day. I was glad it was raining. It was a Sunday and I always sleep better when it’s raining outside for some odd reason. I went to the bathroom around 6:00 to relieve myself and then I took another three Ambien tablets and I was able to get back to sleep pretty quickly.

I just wanted to sleep as long as possible. I had no plans for that day. I really had no friends anymore. Maybe get some Thai food later at the place down the street. Maybe not. My appetite was lacking. I was losing weight. I was down quite a bit. Close to what I weighed back in high school. I didn’t really care, except my jeans didn’t fit anymore. I just needed to punch a new hole in my belt. No big deal.

I don’t blame my wife for leaving me. I understand. She had to do what she had to do. I was an addict. I got over it eventually and now we get along better than we ever have. But I fucked everything up.

I mostly just miss my son. I love him so much. (Ich liebe dich, mein Sohn. Ich liebe dich mehr, als du jemals ahnen wirst.) He failed 11th grade Spanish but still learned to speak fluent German on his own, and no one ever told him to do that. He’s just like me. We don’t care for rules and order very much. We do our own thing. It doesn’t always work out so well. It’s just who we are.

Anyway, once the Ambien wore off, I tossed and turned in bed for a while, and then eventually I got up and I opened the drawer to my end table and stared at my .45 Springfield pistol. Then I shut the drawer, took a shower and walked out towards the Golden Gate Bridge. I didn't want to leave a mess for someone else to clean up.

Once I got out there by the center-span, I looked back to make sure there was no one to be concerned with. There was just a teenage kid walking hand-in-hand with his girlfriend. Mexican kids. Good looking kids. Nice smiles. No one else though. Why would they get involved? I was unconcerned as I raised my first leg up over the rail, looking down at the deep, cold, dark waters far below. I was ready for the jump.

As I began to raise my second leg over the rail I suddenly heard the clap of footsteps coming up fast from behind me and felt the strong grip of two hands on the back of my jacket as I was pulled back from the railing.

He spoke rapidly in a mix of Spanish and English. “No, no, no, mi amigo! Es bueno! Please. Lo siento! It’s okay. You don’t want to do this. God loves you! Via con Dios! Via con Dios! It will be okay. Everything will be okay. You just have to put your faith in God, my friend. You don’t want to do this. You don’t want to do this!”

He held me down as gently as possible. He was really strong for such a tall and skinny kid. I later learned that Mariano was a California State High School wrestling champion from Gilroy. We have forty million people here. It's not easy to reach that level. You have to be very good. Trust me, you do not want to get sideways with him.

I broke down in tears and they stayed with me. I pulled my back up against the railing and hung my head in my hands for a while. Eventually I pulled myself together and the three of us went out for some Thai curry, on me. They never had it before, but they definitely liked it.

“Somewhere, a pretty girl is writing invitations

To a wedding she has scheduled for the fall

Her man says, ‘Baby, can I make an observation?

‘You don’t seem to be having any fun at all’

She said ‘You just worry about your groomsmen and your shirt size’

‘And rest assured that this is making me feel good’

‘I think that love is so much easier than you realize.’

‘If you can give yourself to someone, then you should’

Because it’s a little bit of everything

The way you joke, the way you ache

It is getting up before you, so I can watch you as you wake



So, on that day in late September

It’s not some stupid little ring

I’m getting a little bit of everything”

-Dawes

That was twelve years ago. Mariano and Maria are married now, and they have two beautiful children, who I babysit sometimes. (The boy, Andras, is a fucking nightmare on wheels, but I love him. He kills me.) We are all still very close friends to this day. They live right nearby and we go out for Thai food almost every Sunday night, on me. I refuse to ever let them pay.

My son just turned 18 two weeks ago, and he’s moving in with me. I am so stoked. We’re gonna watch The Sopranos and we’re gonna cook some pasta and some steaks and we’re gonna go to jiu-jitsu classes together. (I’m pretty sure I can still kick his ass, but I honestly don’t know. He’s pretty strong now. He’s pretty quick.)

Last week I took another walk out to the center-span of the Golden Gate Bridge. This time I just threw my .45 Springfield into the water below. I don't need it anymore.

I have a debt that can never be repaid or settled through Sunday night dinner checks at the local Thai restaurant, and I know this. I just try. I try every day to do what I can to make amends. I just try to do my best.

It's all I can do.

“Oh, it’s a little bit of everything

It’s the matador and the bull

It’s the suggested daily dosage

It’s the red moon when it’s full

All of these psychics and these doctors 

They’re all right, and they’re all wrong

It’s like trying to make out every word

When they should simply hum along



It’s not some message written in the dark

Or some truth that no one sees

It’s just a little bit of everything…”

-Dawes

THE END