Dreams of order

Dear Destiny,

I am writing these words as I am not sure if I will ever see the light of a new day again. The circumstances that brought me here are diverse and, in all fairness, my own responsibility, although you already know that. It is because of that that you hunt me. That you want me dead.

Honestly I cannot blame you, I also want to see myself dead, but first I need to find out why it happened. The tragedy. The instant when everything went wrong and the reality that you knew ended. The moment that your knowledge was unable to understand. The end of the world.

I am sorry, not for you specially, but for the human race as a whole. The impact of my own actions were far much worse than I could have imagined, although I only started imagining them after everything happened. I guess I am still defying your existence, which makes me happy. But I will try not to steer away from the previous point. I could have never imagined that a quarter of the human race would have been eliminated in the first ten days.

Your cruelty surprised me. As I stayed previously the way you managed the situation was totally unexpected. All my knowledge could have never prepared me for the atrocities you committed in order to eradicate a simple error in your web of lives. As I am writing this letter it has been four years since the Reset, as you call it, and I still have nightmares remembering the screams, the blood, their faces… Sorry I was lost in my memory for a second, I hope you enjoyed that you monster.

If you arrived here you are probably wondering what the point of these letter is. Well, you might find this funny, although I doubt if you can feel anything, but I do not know what the point of the letter is right now.

Originally I decided to write, or I hope so, in order to inform you that you have already won. What is left of humanity has started to fall back to the old habits of four years ago. I do not know if it is because my special condition or because of you, but I can see it again. The patterns have come back. My original intent was to ask you to stop hostilities in order to start the reconstruction of society.

Then I remembered that if these was the case I would probably be dead. For you there is only two ends of these conflict: humanity dies or comes back. And I know I am not in neither of them.

With that settle down I decided to ask you what those patterns I can see were. You probably will not answer, and that is fine, I deduced my own theory, and the funny part is that it was all based on my own intuition and your predictable behavior. The irony had me laughing a bit more than it would be considered normal or sane, which is ironically normal, seeing as I was not born normal and you took away my sanity, along with my daughter.

Those patterns are certainly interesting, but the more I witness them the more I hate my life. I know everything about the people around me; I know when they will talk, I know what they will say, how will they say it, and what will they do after that. The knowledge is starting to break my already fragile mind and when I try to run away is like I am trying to swim in a pool full of marbles, it does not matter how much I try, I will always fail.

Those patterns are a torture for me. You are the one responsible for my new ability. Humanity has fallen again at your grip, but killing me was not enough, you wanted to torture me, punish me for a crime, the first crime in history. A crime I was already punished.

You granted me the ability to see the patterns in the world, but not to interact with them. I tasted the divine power of destiny, but only half of them. If destiny is carved in stone I can only read it, you on the other hand Destiny, have the ability to write it. I know you can do it, I saw you doing it, and you punished me and humanity by showing it to me. A quarter. A quarter of earth’s population killed themselves at your orders. My daughter was one of them.

It has been four years. Please end it. I just want to finish all of these, you already won after all. Humanity is following the patterns that you set, maybe I am already following them and I do not know. Just kill me. Please.

The final intent, and the one you are reading, is to ask you why it happened. After the massacre it spread to other people, which is what started the war after all. The ones who deserted against the ones who stayed, or simply you, those who fought for you are just dolls whose strings you are pulling.

When I see the patterns I just see a line, flowing like a river down the mountain. I guess my river split. Tell me Destiny, what do you see? Do you see the river or do you see something more, something that caused my river to split. If I know I might be able to warn the rest. Tell them what to avoid.

Now that I wrote that I feel stupid. They are in the river, if they hear me their future actions will be influenced by that information, meaning that you would know about the origin of my change because I found out thanks to you. An infinite circle. So the only option is if you knew it before it happened or is simply a mystery that cannot be resolved.

Not knowing why it happened might help me dealing with everything. If I do not know how started I cannot blame me for everything, maybe it was your fault, I wish. After all, Destiny, you are the one who knows all. Human behavior is transparent to you. Not only could you predict and map out the entirety of the human population on earth, but you could also altered it. A true God among the greatest Gods.

And the true God was startled because I, someone completely unremarkable and with no big aspiration, decided one day to stay in bed and not get up. I was supposed to get up and go to work, but because I decided to stay a little longer in bed I had to see everyone I knew kill themselves in front of my eyes. A true God among the most pathetic beings I had the misfortune to know.

This will be the last letter I am sending you. Ten days after the confirmation that you received the letter I will take my own life in a final way to insult you, in case I am not one of your puppets. If it turns out I am being controlled again by you then thank you. Thank you for freeing me of these life.

Looking who the letter started and how it ended is kind of sad, but that is the best way to describe our relationship, sad. I really hope you never find anyone like me again Destiny, not because I am worried about you, but because I do not want anyone to suffer like I and the rest of humankind did.

Yours sincerely, the freest man in the world.