Ten Days to Hell or Health

Ten Days to Hell or Health

Suzanne Marsh

January 1, 2021

Dear Journal,

Tomorrow I begin a new diet. Yes, I know I say that every year, and I fail miserably. Not this year, I am determined to take off at least ten pounds in ten days. How you may ask. Simple the No Sugar No Carb diet. I am also going to begin to exercise. This will be a first for the couch potato queen. You can bow to me later, after I complete the diet. The diet looks easy enough the exercise I am not so sure about. Somehow, I think I should have done this thirty years ago instead of waiting until I turned fifty. My new mantra is: "I can do this!" I did my grocery shopping yesterday for the next ten days. Perhaps I will look like Marilyn Monroe, I could dye my hair platinum blond, get some silicon implants, gee with my new figure and looks, I could look like a frumpy Marilyn Monroe. Until tomorrow when I start my diet...

Dear Journal,

Day 1

My new years resolution is now in effect, this diet takes ten days. This should entice my taste buds according to what I have read, Apple Cider Vinegar three times per day, I just had my first taste, it is bitter, it did not help; now I lust for more sweets. I was supposed to have scrambled eggs, with spinach and mushrooms, instead a nice big piece of cake was so much nicer. After the cake, I knew I should have oatmeal, the oatmeal looked like wallpaper paste, it tasted that way too. Ugh! Black coffee...it needs SUGAR AND CREAMER. I am not so sure this is such a great idea. I can't even begin the damn diet correctly. Actually oatmeal seemed like a great idea at the time. However I did learn an invaluable lesson: NEVER MAKE OATMEAL IN THE INSTAPOT. It seems if you don't watch the thing closely it can and will build up to much pressure, I now have ceiling with oatmeal plopping down onto any surface in the kitchen; including me. I simply do not understand how one cup of oatmeal could completely destroy the kitchen.

Day 2

My exercise routine began this morning, I am still questioning myself as to why I even got out of bed. I wonder if can declare myself legally insane. I began with the correct breakfast of scrambled eggs, sliced avocado and tomato. No substance but okay I suppose. The exercises are a trip! They are supposed to be heart healthy, let me tell you the sadist, I would really like to meet him or her. I do believe I would have several words to say, and they would be very colorful. The first thing was twenty five squats, by the time I got five my legs felt as they were about to fall off. Fifteen I was beginning to wobble, by the time I got to twenty five I was tottering. Forget the other exercises, I am going to go to the gym. I guess I need a class in flexibility.

Day 3

Being out of shape is the least of my problems. I think I sprained my body, if that is possible!

I went to the gym yesterday and enrolled. Today I met with my personal trainer, who must have graduated from the Marquise de School of Sadism. She was a really tiny woman with the pep of a ten year old. She began the session with push ups, I now have muscle sprains where I never knew I had muscle. The muscle must be well hidden, I am rather flabby but this was ridiculous. The next thing the class did was to get on various machines: the tread mill was okay but some of the other torture devises...well let's just say oh no oh hell no!

Day 4

First of all I need a sugar fix, this diet is making me crazy, exercise is making me so tired I fell asleep in the lazy boy while watching the boobie tube. I don't ever remember what I was watching, although I am sure it must have the Food Channel. Snacks are a nightmare of their own, nothing sweet. There is something about sunflower seeds that is revolting. Almonds yech! walnuts are okay but for ten days...I think not. Lunch today was a giant fiasco. What sane person has chicken wrapped in lettuce grilled, it looked like green slime, after I grill the slime then I added snap peas, bell peppers, and mushrooms. I dislike bell peppers and I detest mushrooms, they taste like earthy shoe leather. I hate this diet but I am going to stick with it!

Day 5

If and I mean if I survive the diet from hell I will have lost my mind along with ten pounds!

This is the half way point, hallelujah! I may just treat myself to a hot fudge Sunday. No, that is not a good idea, that could put five pounds back on. I went to the gym today, there I met another woman about my age fifty. I asked her what made her decide to come to a gym where torture machines were no doubt located. She smiled:

"Well, I decided after my sister had a heart attack it was time to shed about fifteen pounds.

I was once a very active person, now on a good day I am a couch potato."

"I am grappling with loosing ten pounds in ten days. I guess I should try to stick to

this diet but it is not easy. I was entertaining the idea of splurging with a hot fudge

Sunday."

"Don't do it, that poison to your body!"

That was enough of that! I could see out of the corner of my eye the instructor smirking. This was not a smirking moment!

Day 6

Here I sit, pen in hand wondering why I undertook this damn diet! Yesterday I rented a treadmill so I don't have to go to the gym to use one. I thought it was a great idea until I began to use it. I had no idea what the numbers were for, so ten seemed like a good number. The damn thing took off like a scalded cat. I had no idea my legs and feet could go that fast as I clung to the rails. Not only did I get an all body work out, I broke two toes and have a black and blue butt. Whoopee! I may send the treadmill back I don't think I can use something that attempts to hurt me!

Day 7

Three more days of torture, three more days of this diet! Three is a good number. I am in the process of making dinner: baked chicken, green beans and kale chips. The adventures of eating right. The baked chicken was really good with a dash of lemon. Green beans are great. Kale chips are terrible, sort of like eating freshly mowed grass. It is green and tastes awful. Glad I did not boil it. That most certainly would have been barf material. I have no doubt it would have looked like the spinach like Mom used to make it reminded me of algae that grows in water. Talk about something unappetizing, that is it!

Day 8

One more day, I know I can do this! I feel better, my clothes fit better. Tomorrow I weigh myself. I don't know if I am ready for the revelation but at least I stuck to the diet, that is more than I have managed up to this point. I started this particular New Years resolution twenty five years ago. I have tried every diet that has come out since then and there must be at least one hundred or more by now! I don't know if I am bragging or complaining!

Day 9

Not only have I rounded a corner but I am eating healthier than I ever did. I still would like a sugar fix, but thus far I have been good. Resistance, I suppose pays off in the long run. I had roasted turkey, no stuffing...that part sucked eggs! The salad almost cleaned out the ten day diet from hell! The salad had lettuce, bell pepper, walnuts, mushrooms...those still taste like earthy shoe leather. I guess my next New Years resolution is stop being so sarcastic, the damn diet does work.

Day 10

Day ten, imagine that. The very first thing I did this morning was to weigh myself. I lost ten pounds!!!!! Ten pounds, imagine! I guess the ten day wonder diet does work, although it more like the ten day wonder diet from hell. I now weigh one hundred and fifty pounds. Since I am fifty and also weigh one fifty I guess fifty is nifty. The treadmill has been returned. I still attend the gym...although I am sore from stretches and a machine whose designer was a masochist! Was the trials and tribulations worth it...yes I think so. I now have the energy to walk the dog...a mile a day up from one block every six weeks. I am very pleased with myself...I went out and bought a brand new set of jeans...no more stretch pants for this girl! Hallelujah and amen!