Being Human

           We don't talk about it and he prefers we don't use the term, Freak, which I wouldn't use anyway. See, in the land of Sycophancy, when it rains a few things happen: 1) The moon turns from white to blue. 2) The clouds have a speck of void (medical term void) which has an ador, and 3) my dog turns human until the storm passes. See, my dog was granted a wish when he turned 7æ13. But, maybe you, the reader, doesn't know what 7æ13 means. So, we'll have to explain it to you. Big dogs live shorter lives than small dogs, so the age they reach puberty at different ages and when my dog was 7æ13, he reached puberty. This formula was derived from the old myth that a dog's age, when multiplied by 7, is a human's age. So, when my dog turned 7æ13, he was granted a wish from ›éÿ, the God of the Dogs and my dog decided, since he was scared of thunder, lightning, and rain during storms and us humans weren't, to allow him to be human during thunder storms so he wouldn't be afraid, which, by the way, didn't work. He should have wished for bravery during storms instead of this. But, now, I watch the forecast in the morning and see if I have to make preperations like putting an extra outfit of mine out so Grufus can wear it when he becomes a naked human and making sure he's walked before the storm so I don't have to clean the clothes he's soiled. But it only rains about five times a year here unless there's a suprise storm the meterologists miss. 

           Once, there was such a surprise storm and Grufus was smelling a tree and about to mark his terriroty while I was chatting with a girl I had a crush on when I heard a tinkling of thunder. I did my best to excuse me and Grufus, but she said she was having a good time. I whispered for her to follow me and I took her to the room where I put my spare clothes for Grufus.  Then, she saw it. If you were a child of the 1990's, perhaps you remember The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the episode where the turtles had slime poured on them and metamorphized into Ninja Turtles. That's the best way to explain the metamorphesis of Grufus. 

           She didn't freak out, but when she saw him and I got his clothes on, instead of trying to control him, put him on the toilet, etc., she did something I never thought of doing before; she comforted him. She let him lay his head in her lap plautonically, pet his hair, and promised him she'd be there with him until the storm ended. Then, something happened which never happened before. Grufus wagged his butt since he didn't have a tail for the moment, closed his eyes, and fell asleep and then he changed back to a dog before the storm passed, which had never happened since Grufus made his stupid wish. Then, it occurred to me, what if he could just remain a dog and be comforted by my potential girlfriend or me. What I want if for Grufus to be the antithesis of a headline. The headline would be Strange Dog Turns Human During Storm. The antithesis would be I own an ordinary, loving dog that cares about me. 

***

           I watched TWC (The Weather Channel) on Sunday to stay ahead of Grufus becoming human. The showed there would be a 30 % chance of showers on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And a 40% change on Tuesday and Friday. Great. So, we did what any rational couple would do. We kept him in the house except for walking and brought etra pairs of clothes for him. 

           Then, Grufus became sick. We thought had had woofing cough, but we weren't sure what to do. Should we take him to the human doctor or the vet? We dedided we'd explain the strange situation gong on and see if the vet had a magical potion to reverse Grufus' wish.   We drove him there and Thank God it was sunny. But, we took Grufus in to have him examined. I told them his problems and then told them he turned human during rain storms.

           “Most think they're human all the time. Don't worry about it.” the vet said.

           So, they took the fecal sample and the urine specimen to do the tests for bugs. They weighed him, took him temperature. Everything seemed normal when we heard it. Thunder. Then, it started, Grufus turned human and was stark naked. The vet stood there, dumbfounded, then, after a pause said,”But why? Why should this happen?” and I answered, “See, he caught a creature that granted him a wish and he wished he could be human during storms so he wouldn't be afraid. Can you fix him?”

           He doc was still dumbfounded. “I could take some X-Rays,” he said.

           And he did. Both of Grufus as a dog and Grufus as a human. Everything seemed normal in each being. Grufus Human, other than high blood pressure, seemed in good health, the dog's fecal matter was in good order, but the transitioning part, the doctor wanted to experiment with by adding the catalist of dog sperm. 

           The next time a storm started forming, we did that. Grufus went from being a meniature puddle to a full sized poople and from being a full sized poodle to being a muscular masculine man. I guess it must be the Y factor. I rememnded the vet that HIPPA laws still applied to me and Grufus and to keep the media out of this. 

           Then, the vet asked if Gruffus had been neutured and I told the vet, “No. Is that why he's becoming human?” The vet then asked if Grufus ever tried to have sex with women when he was human. I honestly told him, “No, he usually shivers in fear, gets scared, and hides. I put my clothes on him and wait for the fucking storm to pass. Then, he becomes good old Gruffus again. 

           “Have you made any dramatic changes to his diet?

           “What?  No. Rumus made a wish on a penny he pushed into the wish well and some dumb diety granted it. I wish Gruffus would'a asked me first.”

           “Where did you drop the penny?” the vet asked.

           “What? Downtown at the Mikkata Buffet years ago.”

           “And how often do they take the pennys out of the fountain?”

           I thought and said, “I dunno. I never asked, but . . .”

           “So, his wishing penny could still be in there, right?”

           “I suppose. Yes, but there are thousands of pennies”.

           Then, this strange Asian Veternarian fetched a round penny-go-downer race thing they used to have at the mall, but smaller.

           “This will tell us what Gruffus' wish was and how to reverse it.”

           I looked at it perplexed, but decided it was worth a try and then we headed for the old buffet and its mysterious fountain.  

*

           When we got there, most of the old pennies had turned green. The vet picked one up and placed it in the mysterious machine and in two minutes, a voice sounding like Sierri said, “This young man wished his mother's breast cancer would go away, but, the God  would not grant his wish.” We took out another green penny.