Being Brave

(The following story includes contemporary themes dealing with violence and immigration raids. The main character suffers from anxiety and has a pronounced stammer)

Jacob looked long and hard in the mirror. He nodded at his reflection. He looked sharp and handsome with his neatly coiffed hair, cleanly shaven face and lucky purple shirt.

Was it really a lucky shirt?

Jacob wanted to believe it was. After all, while wearing this very shirt, he had won not only ten dollars from a lottery scratch ticket, but also a raffle prize at a local street fair. While the raffle prize was only a selection of artisanal cheeses and a cutting board, Jacob felt that this had suitably confirmed the “magical” properties of the shirt, scientific method notwithstanding.

“You t-t-take luck whe-ere y-o-ou f-find it,” said Jacob. As he spoke the confidence drained from his face to be replaced by anxiety. For all of his preparation regarding his upcoming job interview, there were unfortunately some things not in his control and his stammer was one of those things.

Stress and anxiety at times made his stammer almost unmanageable. Still, he looked resolutely at the face in the mirror and remembered the words of Christopher Robin from his favorite Winnie the Pooh story, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

A knock on the door shook him out of his self-talk.

“Jacob! Stop staring at yourself in the mirror and come out! How long does it take to get ready for an interview?!”

“Wa-a-it S-sean...” replied Jacob.

God, he thought. I never stutter with Sean. My nerves are truly shot.

He opened the door hesitantly and looked at his partner shamefacedly. Sean’s face flickered in recognition as they saw Jacob’s visible anxiety, but almost immediately their face broke into a huge smile.

“Damn, my boyfriend is so hot.” said Sean effusively.

Embarrassed, Jacob looked up shyly only to have Sean pull him by the hand through the doorway.

“None of that! You're genius level. One of the best coders I know. You kicked my ass in our classes. You’re not just a pretty face…”

Jacob smiled at Sean’s compliments.

“...because you also have a hot bod,” continued Sean.

“Sean!” laughed Jacob.

“See that’s much better! Laughter is better, right? You’re smart, kind and a genuinely good person and this company would be lucky to have you.”

Jacob nodded a bit uncertainly in response to Sean’s compliments.

“Hey none of that! What are you?”

“S-smart and kind?”

“Damn right!” replied Sean with their two hands on Jacob’s shoulders, “We researched the company and reviewed potential interview questions. You’re prepared. You’re ready and now you’re dressed for the part.”

“W-what i-if I blow it?” asked Jacob meekly.

“You won’t blow it,” said Sean confidently, “For the interview, just imagine I’m there with you, sitting across the table and that I’m the one asking the questions. Can you do that?”

Jacob nodded his head.

“And remember whatever happens, this interview and this job doesn’t get to define who you are. Late stage capitalism never has the last word on us. Got it?”

“Got it,” replied Jacob.

“Good,” smiled Sean. “Now let me give you a kiss for luck.”

Sean leaned in and kissed Jacob on the lips. Jacob loved the clean scent of their soap, the taste of their lips and the rough stubble on their face. Jacob closed his eyes and repeated the words… Smart and kind.

“Call me after you’re done,” reminded Sean.

Jacob only had to walk a few blocks to the large office building that housed the software company. He loved his neighborhood and loved this community. Los Angeles was such a wonderfully diverse city. Stepping out into his apartment hallways at dinner time one could smell any number of ethnic foods all merged together in a magnificent fusion.

As he walked out of his building there was usually a bunch of men in Dodgers’ hats at the corner waiting for part time work and talking about baseball. They’d often tease him, not because of his stammer, or because of his bisexuality, but because he sometimes wore a Los Angeles Angels hat.

Today, those men were gone and he couldn’t help but notice the sidewalks were almost deserted. All of this was unsurprising given what he witnessed the previous night from his apartment window. He had heard of such things happening, but this was the first time he had actually seen it.

Last night he saw his first ICE raid. Malevolent masked figures grabbed his neighbors off the street and dragged them into a van. There was screaming and yelling and it only ended when the van sped off with its human cargo.

Even though all of that happened the previous evening, the darkness leached into the following day, as the usual hustle and bustle of his neighborhood streets was absent. It was only when Jacob walked a few blocks that he saw more of the usual foot traffic.

As Jacob walked to the software company he mentally reviewed the interview questions. Although he was anxious, he tried to soak in the sun and manifest positivity.

Turning the corner, all thought of his interview left him. On the far side of the street he saw the same dark van that he had seen the previous evening. Jacob looked grimly at the van with the darkened windows.

Jacob loved Lord of the Rings and at that moment, it seemed as if the Nazgul on their horrifying beasts had appeared and cast their shadow upon him and the Los Angeles streets. In Lord of he Rings Nazgul were once men who had been corrupted by the promise of power by a Dark Lord and who now only existed to terrorize others. This was pure existential evil, but this evil was not in Tolkien's Middle Earth, instead it was here in his community, in sunny Southern California.

Although he didn’t want to be late for his interview, the very presence of this van in the neighborhood…in his neighborhood offended and angered him. These men hid behind dark glasses and masks, stopped and grabbed people off the streets without consideration of their rights, and in some cases for no better reason than that they looked different or had an accent. Jacob understood what it was like to be different, he understood what it was to be marginalized.

Taking out his phone, he opened his Ice Block app and reported the presence of the ICE agents. When he heard about the ICE Block app and how an activist had developed it to help people track the location of ICE presence, he thought it was cool, but he never thought he would be using it.

He saw the van go around a corner and stared grimly. An elderly grandmother who had also seen the van met his gaze and sadly shook her head as she pushed a cart of groceries.

Jacob looked at his watch and realized he needed to hurry if he wanted to be on time for this interview.

Walking into the company office building, he was distracted and not paying attention when he ran into one of the janitors who was sweeping the lobby, scattering his portfolio and papers on the floor. The janitor dropped his broom and picked up the portfolio, handing it back to Jacob.

“So sorry.” said the janitor, a middle-aged Hispanic man.

“N-o-o, my bad,” replied Jacob as he put the papers back into the portfolio.

“Interview?” asked the janitor with a smile.

Jacob nodded his head shyly.

“Well then. You’ve got this. Good luck.”

Jacob smiled again, appreciating the encouraging words and kindness of a stranger.

After checking in with the young security guard at the first floor desk, Jacob entered the elevator. As the door closed, he remembered Sean’s words about imagining that they were there with him. He was not alone.

When the elevator door opened on the third floor, Jacob strided confidently to the front desk, where he gave his name to the secretary. After a few minutes in the waiting room, he stood to shake the hand of Ms. Edwards, the company’s HR Manager who invited him into the conference room. They sat across from each other at the table.

“Thank you Ms. Edwards for inviting me to this interview.”

“Jacob, please call me Allison. It's so good to finally meet you. Of course, we’ve reviewed your resume, but to lead off our time together I’d love to hear you tell me about yourself and your background?”

‘Thank you Allison…”

As Jacob spoke with Allison, he found that the words came easily and flowed from his lips. He had prepared for that first question, as well as the other questions Allison asked over the next forty-five minutes.

****

“Well Jacob, I’m impressed with your background. Would it be alright if we go over a few hypotheticals?" asked Allison with a smile.

“Um, sure,” said Jacob, “Go-o ahead.”

“Can you point to a time when you had a disagreement with a supervisor at work and share how you resolved it?”

When Allison asked the question, a question that Jacob had prepared for, Jacob froze. He didn’t think of the canned answer he had prepared with Sean, instead he could only think about his last job. It was during Pride and his supervisor went on a rant about “those gays.” Jacob tried to speak, but instead his stammer got the best of him and Jacob retreated to his cube in shame.

“Um, uh well. There w-w-was thi-s-s o-o-o-one t-t-time.” replied Joseph. Allison looked at him, kindly waiting for him to continue, but Jacob had lost it. He no longer saw Sean sitting across from him. He just saw this stranger asking him questions he didn’t want to answer. He stammered more and found himself getting warm. A bead of sweat trickled down his brow.

“Would you like some water? We can take a break if you’d like,” asked Allison.

“Y-e-e-s, I mean, n-no. I’m not f-feeling well,” replied Jacob half pleading as he stood up. Even as he said the words he felt sick.

Allison nodded her head reassuringly, “No problem. We can end here. I think I have enough. Hopefully, we’ll make a decision next week on the position.”

“Th-thanks,” said Jacob as he was escorted to the door.

“I hope you feel better Jacob,” said Allison with a look of concern.

As Jacob entered the elevator and the door closed, he placed his hand on the wall and almost threw up. He took deep breaths as he tried to calm down. A feeling of deep despair overwhelmed him. He had done so well and then with one question, he fell apart. As he replayed the incident in his mind, each time it got progressively worse. He found himself wanting to run home and close his door and hide from the world.

The elevator door opened and Jacob stepped out into the lobby, the janitor ran past him with a panicked expression. He had been cleaning the front window of the building, but had dropped his bucket and squeegee near the door.

Jacob was deep in his own pain, reliving the interview, but even in that moment, he could see that something was dreadfully wrong. Walking toward the door, he saw the masked ICE agents rushing towards the building. A building manager had already seen what was happening and moved to intercept the ICE agents.

“Stay out of this, or we’ll arrest you for obstruction,” said the agents pushing the young manager against the wall.

Jacob didn’t know what he was doing. He was scared and confused, but he couldn’t just stand by, so trying to look authoritative he walked up to the agents.

“Excuse m-me. Can I help-p-p you-u-u?”

“The window washer, he ran through here, where did he go?” demanded the camo-masked ICE agent.

“You-u are look-king f-f-for the jan-it-it-tor?” replied Jacob. At that moment, something clicked for Jacob. He knew what to do.

“Where is he?!” demanded the agent.

“W-who? The Jan-nit-t-tor?”

“Yes, damn it,” said the agent impatiently.

“Th-he Mexi, I m-mean, Lat-t-tino, ma-an…who-o-o work-k-ks he-re, I s-aw-aw him-m j-j-just n-n-now…Ar-re you-u t-t-trying t-to h-help him?” asked Jacob, who for the first time in his life found himself trying to stammer more.

The agent was frustrated and bewildered by Jacob’s stammer and his inane question.

“He might have gone through the rear exit!” yelled another agent in the back of the lobby.

“Just tell us where he went if you want to avoid trouble,” said the agent impatiently.

“I kn-now wher-re he is. I c–c-can help-p-p. I c-c-can,” pleaded Jacob, trying to keep the attention of ICE to give the janitor extra time for his escape.

The ICE agent with the camo-mask stared at Jacob for a moment.

“Let’s get out of here. This idiot is wasting our time,” said the other agent.

“I c-c-can help-p-p. T-t-tell you where he m-m-might b-b-be,” pleaded Jacob.

Frustrated and angry, the agent with the camo face mask finally turned away to leave, but not before turning to Jacob.

“Don’t mess with us again. This is a warning,”

The ICE agents jumped back in their van and left the front of the building. The young security guard walked up to him, visibly shaken.

“I almost pissed myself,” said the building manager.

“Are you alright?” asked Jacob, “I hope your janitor got aw-way.”

“What happened to your stammer?” asked the puzzled guard.

Jacob shook his head , “Dis-t-t-raction.”

The manager looked at him dumb-founded as Jacob walked out the front door and went home.

***

Opening the door of their apartment, Jacob found Sean doing dishes in the kitchen while listening to loud music. Jacob stood off to the side watching Sean dance to the beat of the music while drying the dishes. Suddenly Sean realized that Jacob was watching them and immediately turned off the music.

“How long have you been watching me?” Sean asked.

“Long enough,” smiled Jacob as he sat at their dining room table.

“So are you going to tell me about the interview or do I need to wring it out of you?”

“It went-t okay, but I d-don’t think I got it. Messed up a q-question.” replied Jacob preoccupied in thought.

“What happened?” asked Sean curiously.

Jacob recounted the story of his walk to the building, his spotting the ICE van, the interview, his case of nerves, the botched question, and his terrifying encounter with ICE.

“It was the worst,” whispered Jacob more calmly, “I hope the j-janitor got away. He was nice to me, but t-those ICE agents…”

Shaking his head in disbelief at the events of his day and his terror in the office lobby, he looked at an astonished Sean.

“What?” asked Jacob, “Wh-hy are you staring at me?”

“I mean all of it,” said an exasperated Sean. “The interview, I mean maybe it will be okay. You did so well before that bad question after all. You could still get the job. Then those ICE agents. It makes me angry. How can this happen in America?! But I can’t believe what you did. You were amazingly brave…”

“B-brave? Me?” asked Jacob incredulously.

“Yes, you were brave Jacob. I mean they could have arrested you, or accused you of obstruction or breaking the law. Put you in detention for a few weeks, just because they can. It happens to people. They get arrested and they disappear.”

“It didn’t happen though,” said Jacob with a shrug. “I’m nothing special. To be honest I was f-felt so b-bad after the interview. Almost threw up, but then I s-saw what was happening. I was so afraid, but I want-ted to do something. I r-regret not doing more…”

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

“Are you s-saying I’m brave? M-me?” asked Jacob in amazement.

“I’m not saying you're brave Jacob, Nelson Mandela says that you’re brave. That was a quote from him. And yes, you are brave. You triumphed over fear. You tried to help.”

“For all the g-good that it g-g-got me. I don’t know if the janitor got aw-way. ICE will be back tomorrow. I still don’t have a j-job.”

“Shit, Jacob. After today, you can do anything. You’ve conquered your fear and your anxiety. Hey, there’s supposed to be a demonstration against ICE at the civic center this weekend. Should we go?”

Jacob nodded his affirmation and lay his head on Sean’s shoulder. It would be alright. He was brave. He was powerful. He was courageous. He had someone who loved him and finally it seemed like having a stammer didn’t matter quite as much.