Act 1

“So, you're in seats J8 and J9. Take a left here and head straight down the stairs. Enjoy the show.”

“I see you've splashed out on seats this time.”

“It was a last minute Groupon thing, Sarah, we can go back home if you'd rather -”

“James, I'm joking, calm down. Always so bloody defensive.”

“It's probably because I've just spent fourteen quid on a tiny beer and a glass of cheap plonk after already paying for tickets. Also, I've still got to pay for parking when we leave. It doesn't exactly fill me with -”

“Enough. Done. No more bloody moaning. We haven't been out for ages, just be grateful it's a kid-free night.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, the show will start in four minutes.”

“Sorry guys, can we just sneak in? Thanks, much appreciated.”

“All joking aside, they aren't bad seats considering you only brought them a couple of nights ago. One sec, hold my drink will you while I take my coat -”

“Let me get settled first Sarah – oops, sorry, I'll be done in a sec, sorry guys, sorry – I've got my coat to take off too y'know.”

“Alright James, bloody hell, calm down.”

“I'm in now. Sorry, I'm a bit touchy today. Long day at the office...let me hold your drink, then.”

“Thanks, I guess. Also, you work from home, the only ones in your 'office' are you and Reginald."

"How would you like it if your only mate throughout the day was a needy eight-year old Cockapoo? Like I said, sorry, I didn't mean to snap."

"You wanted the dog, James. Anyway, can we at least try and have a good time?"

"Strapped in and excited to get my Shakespeare on'.”

“Please take to your seats as the performance is about to begin.”

“Just in time by the sounds of it...Sarah, do you think my Mom would have liked this?”

“I mean, we're high up enough that, if she didn't, you could have always just, y'know, thrown her over the side?”

“Can't I just do that to you?”

“No, because you don't like driving my car, James, so you'd be stuck in town.”

“True.”

"Did you ask your Mom about coming or -"

“Enough Mom talk, is the play going to be anything like the film?”

“The Baz Luhrmann one?”

“Tim Burton.”

“I'm going to assume you mean the one with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, which was definitely Baz Luhrmann. Also no, this is a straight-up telling of Romeo & Juliet.”

“It's definitely Tim Burton.”

“It's really not Tim Burton.”

“One sec....it's definitely Tim Burton.”

“Put your phone away James, you'll get yourself kicked out.”

“It's fine, it's only just started, I'll only be a sec - “

“Torch! Torch! Oh my God, James put it away.”

“Okay, alright, bloo – sorry, away now, just Googling something. Sorry guys, sorry.”

“Two minutes in and everyone hates us already.”

“You're right, by the way, it was Baz Luhrmann.”

“SHHH!”

“Sorry, guys, sorry.”

Act 2

“This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.”

“You had a right go at me earlier about looking at my phone.”

“Yes I know, James, but it's the sitter.”

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah it's nothing, Phi's been sick.”

“Wasn't she eating glue at school again today?”

“Yup.”

“Honestly, I give up with that kid.”

“I'd say she'll learn but she's 6 and still doing stupid stuff like that. Definitely gets it from you.”

“Did you know about her boyfriend?”

“She's 6, James, I wouldn't worry about it just yet, I think the defensive dad thing can wait a few years.”

“Still not happy with it.”

“She's young, it's cute. Plus, if it stops her eating glue?”

“Which, as of yet, it hasn't.”

“SHHH.”

“Sorry, guys. We should probably be quiet, to be fair.”

“I'll be honest Sarah, I'm bored, the film was way better.”

“I mean, I don't think you can compare, really. Also, it's Bea you need to watch.”

“She's never shown an interest in boys though, has she?”

“Mmmm.”

“What are you not telling me?”

“Remember that kid, Scott?”

“I remember that kid, Scott. Carry on...”

“This definitely isn't the right time to tell you, but I caught them kissing in her room the other day...”

“WHAT.”

“SHHHH."

“Okay torches, heading our way. Plus I'm pretty sure Juliet just gave you the stink eye. Oh, and now here's the usher.”

“Sir, Madam, I really need you to be quiet please, one more complaint and I'll have to ask you to leave.”

“Sorry mate, sorry, we just had some bad news.”

“Romeo, away, be gone! The citizens are up, and Tybalt slain. Stand not amazed: the prince will doom thee death, If thou art taken: hence, be gone, away!”

“Scott...“

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we will now break for a short interlude. The show will continue in fifteen minutes.”

Act 3

"Scott! When did this happen?"

“Last week, I didn't want to tell you as I knew you'd overreact. It was only a kiss.” 

“She's seventeen! A kiss is just the start. I swear, I'm going to kill them both.”

“Chill out James, y'know they've probably done more than that, she's eighteen soon. Unfortunately, that's what happens.”

“I need another drink.”

“That would be why we're queuing. Anyway, I'm going for a wee, I'll be back in a minute. Don't have a heart attack thinking about it, and try not to annoy anyone else while I'm gone.”

“See you in about three hours, if the queue for the bar is anything to go by, I bet you'll be waiting for ages for the toilet.” 

“I'll be quick.”

“Hmmm.”

"Gladshecanbesorelaxedaboutthis,bloodySco-"

“Excuse me!”

“Err, yeah?”

“My husband asked me not to do this, but, are you James Harper?”

“Err, yeah. Hi.”

“I'm such a big fan! I read No Change For The Devil three times last year. Honestly, my favourite book of all time.”

“Oh lovely, yeah, great to hear. Obviously didn't buy any of my other books otherwise I wouldn't be getting nosebleed tickets off Groupon.”

“What was that sorry?”

“Oh nothing, sorry. Yeah, awesome, thanks for the kind comments. Appreciate it. Umm, picture or anything?”

“Oh no, no point, I doubt anyone else would recognise you -"

“Charming.”

“ - I just wanted to say hi, enjoy the show!”

“Yeah, see ya.”

“Hi sir, what can I get you.”

“Umm, what beer do you have on draft?”

“Nothing unfortunately sir, we're out, we just have cans of -”

“Just, any canned beer will do. Oh, and a glass of white wine, please.”

“House or -”

“Cheapest, please.”

“Very good, sir.”

“Oh you're back, that was quick. I got celeb spotted while you were gone.”

“Ooo, that's exciting. Did you have to take a selfie like a real celebrity?”

“Yep, weird photo with a stranger...”

“The show will commence in two minutes.”

“Cute, what did you get me?”

“Wine...the nice one?”

“Ooo, fancy celebrity husband is it?”

“Yep, you know – oh, cheers mate, here you go – you know me, Mr. Moneybags.”

“The show is about to begin, please return to your seats.”

Act 4

"Death is my son-in-law, Death is my heir. My daughter he hath wedded. I will die..."' 

"How much longer is left of this?"

"It's nearly over...I must admit, even I'm a bit bored now too. The film was way better."

"Always are."

"What do you want for tea?"

"Dinner?"

"Same thing."

"Dunno, not that bothered really. Probably not a takeaway as we're going to my Mom's tomorrow night, so we'll probably have one then."

"Fancy cooking when we get back then?"

"Not at all....probably just grab a Meal Deal on the way back."

"Doesn't that count as a takeaway?"

"Honestly, not sure if it counts as food."

"We haven't been shushed in a while, think everyone else is as bored as we are?"

"That or they've realised they're sitting next to a bonafide celeb..."

"You'll be paraded across social media later for talking in the theatre."

"I know, I always moan about people talking in the cinema too, now look at me. I'm my own worst enemy."

"Have you spoken to your Mom lately?"

"Ummm, I want to say yes so I don't feel like a terrible person, but no, not in like, three weeks."

"Not to sound like, well, your Mom, but you really should speak to her more."

"I know, I know she's just...well, she's annoying, even more so now that Dad's gone."

"I know but she really does miss you. I spoke to her yesterday and..."

"....You've spoken to her?!"

"Yeah we text sometimes."

"Well now I feel worse. Why didn't you tell me?"

"....I didn't want to upset you?"

"I have absolutely no right to be annoyed at this as it's a problem of my own making but I'm currently very annoyed at you....Thank you for talking to my Mom."

"It's okay, sweet." Just...call her more."

Act 5

"Yea, noise? Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!"

"Sarah, love, is that your phone going off?"

"Bugger! I was watching Noami's baby reveal video while waiting in the queue for the loo and forgot to put it on silent again - sorry all..."

"Now Romeo looks fuming at us. Sitter again?"

"Errr, yeah. Phi's not doing great, Joanne said she's going to run her up to bed."

"Who's Joanne?"

"The sitter!"

"Oh, think we should head back? I feel like we should head back so we don't look like bad parents."

"Yeah, let's go. I wanted to watch the end of this, though."

"Excuse me - sorry, sorry - thanks. Err, yeah, same, I was looking forward to the death scene. Everyone looks pleased we're going though. "

"-no sorry we aren't coming back, family emergency."

"Much easier on the ole' knees walking down these stairs than up."

"You're getting old."

"I'm already old. Think it's stopped raining?"

"Hope so, for your sake, Mr. No-Coat."

"....No rain, score! And even better, we're out before the car park is a nightmare to leave."

"Ah, the true sign of a man in his fourties - happy to miss the end of an event to get back to his slippers and pipe quicker."

"Honestly, I'd love slippers and a pipe."

"Want me to drive?"

"Yeah, I honestly can't be bothered."

"I'll call Joanne on the way back, then."

"....bugger, I forgot to pay for parking before we left. Why don't they have those machines at the exits for people who are bad at remembering stuff like me? Hold on, just going to run to the machine, bloody hell..." 

"-Hi love, how is she....oh great, thanks love. We're just heading back now anyway so we'll take over for you....no it's no problem, is she still being sick? Oh right, good, well we're just -"

"Sorted, sound, ticket sorted. For £12 you'd think they'd let you pay before you leave. Actually, you'd think they'd offer to drive you home for £12 bloody quid."

"Okay love, see you in a bit."

"Who were you talking to?"

"....Joanne..."

"Oh! Oh yeah, Phi okay?"

"Yeah she's fine, Joanne said she's stopped barfing and she's put her to bed to try and sleep it off."

"Delightful. Do you think Juliet had a taste for glue?"

"I mean, I can't imagine her IQ was very high, so likely. Wait, was glue a thing back then?"

"Ummm....I actually don't know. I imagine it's pretty old? Google it?"

"Nah, some things are better off remaining a mystery."

"The ole' Glue Mystery."

"I'm surprised you didn't like it more, to be honest, being the fancy writer that you are."

"I write rubbish thrillers, Shakespeare is a bit high-brow for me."

"Pretty relatable, though, two stupid kids going out their way to kill themselves."

"I think Phi is proof that kids are basically Lemmings."

"What's a Lemming?"

"Little rodent thing. They like to commit mass suicide."

"Wait, wasn't this a game from the '90s."

"That it was. They used to jump off cliffs and stuff, you had to try and stop them topping themselves."

"You're such a grandad."

"Anyway, are we getting food? It's the perfect time for my favourite shopping experience."

"Raiding the reduced section in Tesco?"

"I genuinely might put it on my CV as a hobby."

"Do you have a CV? A CV feels like a pointless thing to have for someone in your line of work?"

"Calling it 'my line of work' makes it sound seedy, and yes I have a CV...I just haven't updated it in like, maybe ten years?"

"Ah, also known as the year of 'James Harper's Big Break', ay?"

"Like you say, big time celeb. Anyway, at this point, I might just raid the fridge instead. I see cheese and crackers on the cards."

"Oooh, good shout. No glue?"

"I'll save the glue for the little 'un."

"Here we are, home "

"If you say 'home sweet home' we'll be falling out tonight."

"Sorry, sweet. Any final thoughts on our big night out?"

"Romeo & Juliet? Nah, it would have never worked out for them anyway."