New Year, New Me

So here I am. I think this might be it. They say when you are here your life flashes before your eyes. I’m not sure who they are, but that is not what is flashing before me. Let me explain where here is. Her is sitting in the passenger side of a semi truck, with a man that smells of cheap cigars and mouthwash (good mix, right?). He just turned the opposite way of where he said we are going, and turned to give me a blood curdling smile. Being the polite person I am I smiled back, while simultaneously trying the door. Great, it won't open and the lock has been ripped off. I politely smile again at him. So what exactly is flashing before me at this moment you ask? Well it’s how in the hell did I end up here? This is not my normal Friday night. 

I see dice hanging from the rear view mirror, it takes me to the Passat. As I was fleeing the party across the snow-covered lawn, I jumped over a game of bones. Seeing me run, this rail thin blonde man grabs his dice and leaps up all in the same motion. He is now running alongside me. He looks over and tells me he has a car and will get me out of here. I vigorously agree, it’s getting easier to say yes as our feet run in step to the street. We jump into his Passat that hasn’t aged well, but I’m not really in a position to be picky. The inside is clean, so I assume it will be ok. 

He leans over, “That was close, want to come to a friends? It’s just a town over.”

“Sure” I say with a shrug, but really I am feeling more free with every yes.

We turn north on the highway with alt rock blaring on the stereo. I crack the window to feel the cold, brisk air run through my hair. Only lights we see now are lighting the road. Off we go through the darkness together. After awhile I need to stop. My new friend makes it clear the stop is an inconvenience. I plead that I have tried waiting and cannot wait a minute longer. Luckily, a truck stop comes over the horizon. Perfect! So, he begrudgingly pulls over. I jump out and ran to the bathroom. After doing the dirty, I head back out to an empty parking lot. Wait, what? An EMPTY parking lot?! What am I supposed to do now? I go inside and ask the clerk what town this is and how long would it take to get back and if he has a phone? Once I hear the words I don’t think they fully stick in my brain, I ask again. I can’t comprehend what is happening and what I’m going to do. I’m spiraling out in my head, when the man behind says he’s heading my way and wouldn’t mind a little company for a bit. Thank goodness, it’s easy to say yes to some help now. I’m back in the semi, and see the dice bounce as we speed along.

No, that wasn’t the real root of my problem. Yes that was part of my last hours of what looks like my life, but it has to be before that. 

The smell of pot comes flying up my nose. I close my eyes and I’m back in that dark alley. Thinking that was the end of my night I start to head home. But as I’m trying to avoid the icy puddles I hear a voice from the doorway. I jump, I wasn’t expecting anyone. It turns out to be the bass player from the band I just watched looking for a light. I happen to have a lighter in my purse and pull it out. We strike up a conversation. 

Was this the beginning of the end? A harmless conversation and a light? 

We have a nice conversation as I watch his cigarette get smaller and smaller. I can’t help but be transfixed by the life in his eyes. He finally finishes the cigarette and offers a ride to an after party. I was starting to get tired, but I kept reminding myself, say yes, say yes. “Ya, what the hell.” We hop into his black SUV and head off to my next destination. Some indie song is playing over his system and the interior smells like old cigarettes and pot. 

Not too far away we park on the street and head into a house that already has a ton of people and music blaring. Walking in with the bassist makes me feel important, too bad it didn’t last. Everyone saw us walk in and people swarmed him and took him off to another room. I could smell the pot drifting in the air. Someone came up and handed me a beer. Taking it gratefully I popped the top and took a long swig. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was. When was the last time I had a drink? Looking around there is an assortment of things going on. The lead singer is strumming a guitar and singing to a group of young women. There’s a group of men playing a video game. Then there’s the table set up for the drinking games with people cheering. I lean against the wall enjoying my beer when the bassist finds me again. We have a fun flirtatious thing going on. His mischievous smile is everything to me right now. He hands be a blunt, I take a drag. I’m thinking back at how fun and crazy this night has been. If this is any indication, it’s going to be a wild year.

In the middle of his story two voices start to carry over all the noise. They are clearly arguing about something, I can’t tell what it is. The voices are getting louder and the whole party stops. We all look in the direction of the men. You can see their blood pressure rising, the veins are popping out of one’s forehead as he yells. The other man’s fist start to clench. The bassist makes his move over trying to settle them down, but it’s too late. Before he can make it there the fist is pulled back and then lands on the other’s face. Within a split second the man reaches behind his back and pulls out a gun from his belt. Everyone ducks as they run out of the house. The scene is chaos. 

The smell of old cigars brings me back to the present. These scenes are passing faster and faster. Why isn’t my family or childhood flashing? Instead it’s today’s scenes, am I even getting closer to figuring out where my mistake was?

I feel the sweat starting to be released through my pores as I become more nervous. The wetness takes me back to the dark concert in that small venue. All the bodies packed on top of each other. When one of us swayed, we all swayed. Wait, back up.

Walking across the grass I could feel the hardness of the frozen earth beneath my feet. Unsure exactly where I was, I started walking towards the downtown skyline. Anywhere would be better than being in that house with the flying glassware. The air was so cold I could feel it freezing in my nose on each breath.

A car pulls up and says he saw me leave his friend’s house and asked if I was heading to the party and offered a ride. It was cold and I didn’t really know where I was, so this yes was easier to slide out. He reaches over to unlock the passenger door. Getting in I can already feel the warmth of the heater. My face begins to thaw out. The conversation is pleasant between us, he seems nice and thoughtful. We are so lost in our conversation that I can’t believe we are already at the party. 

He turns to me and says he’s actually not staying at the party and has tickets to a concert. Would like the extra one? I grab at the opportunity. Heading off towards the concert I’m feeling better about all the chances I’ve taken today. Finding a parking spot and heading up to the concert line. No one has been let in yet. The line reaches around the block. It must be a sold out show. The line slowly starts moving and we are heading into the building. Going through security I can feel the buzz of excitement of all the fans, it’s contagious. We move into the main room and it fills up quickly. The lights go down and everyone cheers. The whole building is vibrating, the music possesses us to dance. All the bodies are producing such heat we are all sweating. Sweaty arm rubbing against sweaty arm. Every hiccup of the night is forgotten under the blanket of the music. I feel something foreign touch my arm. Jumping back into the present and away from the fingers caressing my arm.

The man and I look back out the window straight ahead. I’m waiting for a way to escape pop in my head, but I can’t stop trying to figure out what was the exact decision that led me here. At this point it doesn’t really matter, but my brain won’t stop regardless. 

All of the sudden I am aware of the radio playing. I hear the same song as I heard earlier in the car. Almost at the beginning, I’m getting closer. 

She turns up the radio in the Honda and we head out. The music is soft and relaxing. She explains she has to make a quick stop at a friends house, but she promises it won’t take long and isn’t out of the way. 

We pull up to her friend's house and she runs inside. Looking around I notice how empty the street is. There aren’t any people around and not many lights on in the other houses. It’s quiet outside, but that doesn’t last long when I loud crash comes from the house my new friend is in. It’s followed by another loud crash. She leans out the front door and yells that it’s going to take longer than she thought. I should go on ahead without her. She’ll catch up soon. I’m not sure how she is going to find me or if I will ever see her again, I obviously don’t know where I’m going. After another sound of breaking glass I decided to take my chances and start walking across the lawns. I hear the song change, and I’m back on the leather seat. Scooting closer to the door, trying not to draw attention. He stares at my legs. Please keep looking at the road I think, but don’t dare make a noise.

The taste of gin rushes over my tongue. I’m back in my apartment. Realizing I am stuck in a rut as I consider making Ramen and retire to the cocoon on my couch for the rest of the night, I decide to go to the store to cook a fancy meal for myself. That feels like a good start to changing my routine. I head out the door and head down the street to the store. 

Walking past all the shops and restaurants I look through the windows and see all the people eating with their friends. I can almost taste the food from the Thai restaurant. The beat drops at a bar coming up. A bouncer looks at me up and down. He hands me a coupon and invites me inside. Walking in I can see why they’re grabbing people off the street. I walk through the dark room to the bar on the side. The bartender is about my height and a little stocky with tattoos up his arms. He is leaning on the wall with his phone picking out some music. He sees me and walks over. I hand him the coupon, and ask for a gin and tonic. When he comes back with my drink I hand him some cash and sit on the stool. Right after I got comfortable another woman walked in and sat down next to me. We both got pulled in by the bouncer and were enjoying our drinks together. She has a lively way about her. I can’t get enough of her stories, they’re fascinating. 

We both are coming to the end of our drinks, and she invites me to join her for a party not too far away. I’m hesitant at first, but I think back to my rut. Deciding to go for it we head out together and find her old Honda. The gin leaves my tongue and am left with the distinct flavor of fear.



All I see on the floor are wadded up fast food wrappers and bags. Searching for something I can use to protect myself when the time comes. A large Maglite flashlight. Great! That can work. Calculating how fast I can grab it when the time comes, I close my eyes.

Now I’m at the party from last weekend. I can smell the mulled wine cooking on the stove. I see the guests wearing all the sequined dresses. My mouth even starts watering from the taste of that bruschetta. My skin tingles with the feeling of the warm hug from my best friend. And then I hear the beginning. The start of the end. “What’s your resolution this year?” I hear coming from the moving lips of my friend. And the worst sound of all, my voice.

 “This year I’m going to say yes to new experiences.”