Counting Stars

Dear diary

I know boys aren’t supposed to cry or show any emotion at best so, I guess I’m an exception on that rule because you should see me bawling my eyes out right now. I can’t believe I’m whining like a little girl, or any girl. I guess, if you think about it, I have more feminine flaws then just the crying. The fact that I’m writing this down in a diary for example. The fact that I even own a dairy is even more doubtful. But I’m blabbing which is, not to my surprise at all, another one of my feminine personality treat. I’m sorry for abandoning you for so long, but everything was going alright so I didn’t really feel the need to write it all down. But today, I can’t seem to find peace with my thought. I can’t seem to fall asleep due to all those demons hunting my mind. I need you, dear diary.

I know it’s probably hard to believe but I have a girlfriend now. We haven’t been together for that long, three to four weeks maybe. We met when she moved down the street and we immediately hit it off. A week later, school started again and it turned out we were going to take most of the same classes. I was thrilled. The only thing I could think of was how much time we were going to spend together. She was shy, extremely shy, at first but I quickly learned that there was more to her then just shyness. It took me a few times before she finally said ‘yes’ when I asked her out, but our first date was worth waiting for. I set up a beautiful picnic by the lake. It’s kind of personal to me because I always go there when I need some time to think. It’s a place I escape to when everything in the world suddenly seems extremely heavy and difficult. I wanted to share that with her so she could see I was serious about her. That’s when we had our first kiss, and right after, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

Since that date, we’ve spent a whole lot of time together. At school, we always spent our lunch breaks together on the bleachers. I help her with math, and she helps me with English. She’s so sweet and caring. After school, we always hang out at my place. My parents adore her and totally don’t mind that she visits so frequently. Most of the time, we don’t really do anything other than doing our homework or just chilling. None of us two is into the whole party scene most kids our age are into. My parents have questioned that quite a lot but came to terms with it eventually, I guess. She never really wants to leave the house anyway. She’s always very tired. One day, she walked into the school building with bags under her red and watery eyes. She looked extremely pale and felt as cold as ice. She practically looked like a zombie, and it didn’t get better. It only got worse and that’s why I started to get worried. Something was wrong, seriously wrong, and I couldn’t stand not knowing what she was going through. I started looking for clues. It became like a mystery I had to solve. I felt like a detective, but I couldn’t forget that the subject of my investigation was my own girlfriend.

A few days later, she walked in with a black eye, and that was not the only bruise I saw that day. She started having trouble concentrating in class and would run out of the room without any warning. Then, I would find her outside trying to catch her breath. It always looked like an anxiety attack or something. I tried to talk to her, but she just told me that she was fine, which I obviously didn’t believe. We had to run through the rain to get home because my car broke down and mum couldn’t come and pick us up. When we got to my place, I suggested to take a hot shower and change into some other clothes. She got into the shower and came walking out of the bathroom just in her underwear. I have to say, I had to hold myself back a bit. She looked gorgeous and I’m a 17-year old boy so I guess you can imagine where I saw this going, but I knew she wasn’t ready for that. She’s different. She’s not like any other girl I have ever met so I certainly didn’t want to push her into something she was not ready for. I quickly snapped out of my imagination and saw a big scar running down her stomach. Also, her back and arms were all bruised up. She looked like someone beat her up. She quickly changed into one of my shirts before she asked me something. “Do you maybe have a hoodie or sweatshirt?”, she asked. “Are you cold?”, I had answered her question with my own, even though I knew that coldness wasn’t the reason she was asking me for a hoodie. I saw the cuts and scars on her arm that she was trying to hide away behind her back this whole time. I didn’t want to push so I didn’t ask her about it. She quickly shrugged it off before we went downstairs to watch a movie. I tried but I couldn’t make myself focus on the movie. All I could think about was her. ‘Why does she looks like someone beat her up? Is someone at school hurting her, or maybe at home? Why does she cut herself? What is happening to her?’, I thought to myself as I held her close to me.

Yesterday, she fainted during class and I saw even more bruises than before. I decided to confront her. I told her that I was worried about her, but she kept convincing me that everything was fine. I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to talk to me. Didn’t she trust? Wasn’t I a good enough boyfriend? I got frustrated and that frustration came out as anger. She started screaming and eventually, she broke down and told me everything. She told me about her mother who passed away when she was only six years old. She told me that her sister ran away a few years ago. And she told me about the abuse from her father. All the bruises, the tiredness, the scars, it’s all because of him, her own father. I don’t understand how a parent can do that to their own children. I was confused, hurt, disgusted and I felt so sorry for her, but she didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want the pity. She ran away as fast as she could. I’ve been calling her all day, but it always goes straight to voicemail.

I wipe a tear away as I put my pen down. “Are you okay?”, I hear a shy but sweet voice ask from behind me. I turn my head around and see the most beautiful girl of the whole entire world walking up to me. She sits herself down next to me, on the grass by the lake. “I’m fine”, I tell her as I close my dairy and place it onto the grass in front of me. “I’m sorry for flipping out on you yesterday. I didn’t mean it. I’m just not used to people caring about what happens to me. My own father could care less so why should anyone else? I’m sorry for lying to you. I wish I could have told you, but I was afraid that if you knew the real me, you wouldn’t want me anymore.” “Babe, the last thing you have to do is apologize. I shouldn’t have pushed you to talk, I’m sorry. I just can’t stand seeing my girl in pain”, I tell her, and I can see a little smile appearing on her face. “So, what are we going to do now? About your father.” “What if we just wait until tomorrow? I just want to get some rest while I still can”, she says back to me whilst she lays herself down on the grass. I follow her lead and look up at the dark sky. The moon is shining bright. I look to my left and see the moonlight beautifully contouring her face. I see her closing her eyes before she speaks softly. “Can you hold me?” “Of course”, I answer as I wrap my arms around her fragile body. It’s only now that I notice how heavily she’s breathing. “Try to calm down.” “I can’t”, she says back to me, trying to catch her breath. “Look up at the stars. Count the stars babe”, I tell her sweetly. I hear her counting in a whisper before I feel the girl in my arms, the girl that has become my entire world, calm down and fall asleep.