The Decision

I didn’t know what I wanted. But to be fair, I never did. It was a defining (if not the defining) aspect of my personality. Even now, wandering around a park near my apartment, I can barely choose a direction in which to go. To keep any forward movement happening, I let my feet blindly lead - that way I’m at least going somewhere. It’s a fine park, although really I’ve chosen it for the proximity to me. I’ve rarely been here, despite the closeness to my place. I’m usually in such a hurry that I feel I don’t have time to waste on things like strolling down a lane. But today, I want to take my time. And I’ve heard some of the best thinking happens when doing something mindless. 

The dreary clouds, gray and thick, press down on me. They bring the sky lower, like I’m being trapped. My breath catches and I’m gasping involuntarily. My body is reacting to the oppressive nature of the weather.

If I’m being honest there is a chance that maybe the day isn’t that bad. There’s a possibility it’s really the roughness of my mental state. For I have a big, massive, gigantic decision to make. And I’m rarely more panicky, anxious and grumpy than when I have to make a choice. And let me tell you, this one is a doozy. 

I’ve always been recklessly indecisive. When I was little, anything that required a modicum of personal liberty was unfathomably stressful for me. Where other kids might have embraced a chance to express their independence and personality, I become an anxious puddle. Even something as simple as what to have for lunch could bring it on. Faced with a menu, my mind became a blank, and everything would narrow to a point, to this one moment. It felt as though this could be, and probably was, the most important moment of my life. That my fate was hanging in the balance and that this would change the way that my path was going to unfold. There was a right, and very likely, an incredibly wrong answer. I would waffle, I would delay and then I would panic order whatever my eyes lit on first. Often, I would end up with something I hated. But somehow that was better than taking a decisive step that could change the course of my life.

But now, I need to be certain. 

This is, by far, the biggest decision I will have ever made and I want it to be mine. I want to be responsible for the results (either good or bad). For once, I want ownership in a way that I haven’t taken before. I look around, the gravel walk leads toward the unknown. Cherry trees are blossoming, the petals falling like snow around me - catching in my hair and on my clothes. I almost stick out my tongue to catch them, as though they are actually falling flakes. 

As a child, this indecision extended to all areas of my life. Buying clothes was impossible. As a result, I wandered around in cast offs and hand-me-downs. I once wore moccasins, and only those, because I couldn’t bring myself to select something else, until they were literally falling apart and even a bit beyond that (okay, a long while after that).

I used to dream about having complete control over my life. If I could just know the full extent and weight of each option (what the future would hold for every opportunity presented to me) then I could fully choose. Then I would fully control the outcome.

But life isn’t like that, right? And really, many decisions don’t hold that much weight or sway over what happens. Most things can later be undone or corrected. Really nothing matters, or is quite so serious, as I used to believe.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that life is less black and white than I once thought. In fact, almost everything is completely, somewhat surprisingly, freeingly, gray. Things just don't matter nearly as much as they seemed to before. So maybe this current predicament is just another thing in a glittering sea of gray.

Now that you know my history with decisions, you may wonder why I’m so bewildered, stumped and stressed about my current situation. It’s because this is genuinely my biggest quandary to date and I’m completely flummoxed. It feels as though life hangs in the balance and it all rests on this point, this moment.

In my youth, I was under the impression that others had the answers and that I just wasn’t privy to them. That somehow I had missed the memo. While everyone else had maps, blueprints, and guidebooks...I was flying woefully, stupidly blind. Therefore I asked those around me to take control over my life, to make choices that I clearly wasn’t equipped to. But if things turned out poorly I blamed the decision maker instead of realizing that what it really meant was that no one knows what they’re doing, that we’re all making it up as we go.

The most important thing, I realized, and it took years for me to come to this conclusion, is that I will never move forward if I don’t make choices, try something, fail, pick myself back up, and try again. It’s really the only way to learn and progress. It’s how we make achievements, great or small.

I stop and stand stock still in the middle of the beautiful park. A bit of sunlight struggles to stream through the dense gray clouds but suddenly the day seems freer, more open and brighter than before. The colors of the blossoming spring flowers pop in a vibrant way that they hadn’t just an hour earlier. A large smile spreads across my face as I realize that I’ve made my choice. Hard won and as big as it is, I’m charting my own path. I’ve decided that I’m going to adopt a cat.