Cousins or Berkeley

“So what’s this big secret, Kor?” asked Hayley, smiling at her best friend, amused.

“You can’t tell anyone, especially my parents.” Hayley nodded, impatient to hear what was so secretive.

Kori took a deep breath, “I can’t come to Berkeley with you.”

“What?”

“I can’t come to Berkeley with you,” repeated Kori.

Haley stared at her friend, mouth agape. “You-you what? You can’t come with me? Kori, this has been our dream since we were 12! We’ve been planning our entire lives around this!”

Kori’s eye darted to her shoes and she rubbed her arms against the cold. “I know, and I’m sorry. But Brett, he -”

“Brett?” cried Haley incredulously, her dark eyes wild, “Is he making you not go? You don’t need to listen to your boyfriend about this, you’ve hardly even been with him for a year, Kori! What does he know about what you want?”

Her head snapped up, angry. “Brett knows me. He knows what I want. We love each other. He wants to go south and travel to other countries. He asked me to come with him, and I said yes.”

Kori’s eyes were bright. “We’re going to run off together, to South America maybe even Europe - we’re going to travel the world.” Her face was flushed with excitement, and Haley felt a stab of jealousy.

She saw the irony; talking on the steps leading up to their old elementary school where they met as tiny 6-year-olds. Haley remembered their countless hushed sleepovers where they talked about crushes, going to college together, moving to the same town, and living next door to one another. They had had their whole life planned out alongside each other.

“But...college. What happened to joining a sorority and pulling all-nighters before exams? What happened to majoring in biology and you discovering a new species of giant squid? You want to throw that all away for Brett?”

Kori shrugged. “Goals change. People change. Last week, all that was important to me was Berkeley. But I want to be unpredictable. Do the last thing anyone would ever think of me doing.” Even as she spoke, her face lit up, and Kori looked happier than she had in months. A cool breeze brushed past them, whipping her dark brown hair around. She looked so exhilarated and carefree already, freed from invisible shackles.

Hayley’s mind whirled trying to think of excuses for Kori to stay, “This isn’t really you Kor, you don’t actually want this. The real Kori Anderson isn’t like this.”

Her best friend laughed airily and gripped Hayley’s shoulders. “Hayl, this is what I want. Believe me.” 

Kori stepped back and her eyes impossibly lit up even more. “Hey, why don’t you come with us? It’ll be incredible, and much better than any old boring college experience.”

Even before Kori finished that sentence, Hayley was vigorously shaking her head. “I can’t, you know that.”

Kori grinned, ‘Don’t worry about your parents, we should be able to do what we want Hayl, not conform to their wishes. Be free, live life the way you want to!”

That wasn’t what Hayley was worried about. She couldn’t go with Brett and Kori. She couldn’t see Kori happy and in love with him when in truth, Hayley wanted Kori to be happy and in love with her.

“I can’t do that, I’m sorry, Kori.” Hayley hated how much it hurt that she was in love with her best friend. Wanting Kori to be happy, but seeing her happy with someone else hurt more than she could ever explain. 

Her best friend and longtime crush’s face fell. Hayley glanced away guiltily, feeling ashamed that she was trying to get Kori to stay when she so obviously wanted to go.

“I’m sorry too,” said Kori, “I know that you wanted to go to college together, but it’s not what I want anymore.” 

Hayley kept silent, not trusting herself to speak. If she opened her mouth, long-held secrets and confessions would come pouring out, making everything all the more complicated.

“Hey,” said Kori, “I know you understand, but don’t tell anyone else. It could always get back to my parents and they’d never let me go with Brett.”

Hayley nodded, eyes locked on the ground. Kori stepped forward and gave her best friend a final hug. “We’re leaving tomorrow at 5 a.m. Right here, in the parking lot. You should come to say goodbye.” 

Glancing around at their childhood school full of memories between them, Hayley felt a lump in her throat that prevented her from talking. 

Kori finally let go and swiped at her eyes. There was a buzz from her pocket and she glanced at her phone and sighed. 

“I have to go, Hayl. If for some reason you can’t make it tomorrow,” She paused and then exhaled slowly, “Nevermind, we’ll keep in touch, okay?”

“Yeah,” mumbled Hayley, not meeting Kori’s eyes.

Kori was backing away, still watching her. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

Hayley made a barely perceptible nod of her head, not wanting the last words she said to Kori to be a lie. 

***

Hayley flinched when the doorbell rang. She opened it and blinked, surprised to see her cousin. They were close friends, as they both grew up as the middle children, trying to be noticed in massive families like theirs. He was the one she would always hang out with at Christmas and birthdays, the one she had countless inside jokes with. He understood what it was like to be overlooked and provided her a person to confide in.

She stepped outside onto the porch, closing her front door behind her. “Hi,” he said, running a hand through his hair, “How are you?”

Hayley glanced away. She still hadn’t said a word aloud since she had left Kori. She wondered if going outside was the best idea, now that the sky was getting darker and the temperature was dropping.

Brett gave her an understanding smile, and said, “So you talked to Kori, I see?” seeing her expression, he continued, “And you’re sure that you’re okay with everything? I know that you guys are close.”

Hayley sighed, closing her eyes, and wondered what would have happened if she hadn’t introduced her best friend Kori to her favorite cousin Brett during freshman year. She wondered if anything would have changed. 

“Hayley,” asked Brett, his warm eyes concerned, “Are you okay with all of this?”

She knew that saying anything other than what he wanted to hear would be problematic so she smiled unsteadily and looked at the person she envied the most. 

“Yeah, I’m okay with it,” she lied, “I’m really happy for you. For you and Kori.”