The ingredients that make us, us.

“Mariam is everything ready for tonight? Are the cookies done? Champagne? And food?” Lilita asks as she walked over to the counter in the kitchen,standing beside Mariam eyes peeping over her shoulder as the freshly baked batch of cookies stared back at her. “Everything is almost done mam. I just need to finish the cooking ,but the cookies are done. They were very hard to bake, where do you get the recipe from?” Mariam asked as she scooped the cookies into the large plate where they’ll be on display. “My friend was a great baker, learnt everything from the baker that hired her mother as a cleaner. So she’d bake these cookies for us when we were in University. She had lost her mother the second year of Uni, and we decided to spend Christmas with her, so she wouldn’t be so alone.” Lilita says as she reaches for a beverage in the fridge. Her face comtorts  into a warm smile as the memories came back. 

“Did she not have family from her mother or father’s side?” Mariam asked curiously. “Her mother’s people disowned the mom when she married and got pregnant by her father. Her mother was only sixteen, she believed she had found her true love, and she was willing to lose everyone she loved for the father of her child. Sadly once my friend was born, probably a year old, the father left and never came back. Her mother didn’t go to the father’s family because they too wanted nothing to do with her, her child, or even the father. She just had a rough upbringing practically from the day she was born. But I’m glad she never used that as a reason to not want anything but the best for herself.” Lilita says as she rounds the counter grabbing her cellphone. “Well I need to contact the guest to check if they’re coming.” Lilita says as she walks off already on the phone with one of the attending guests.

“Hi, welcome to my house.” Lilita greets the fourth pair of guest. She encouraged everyone to come with someone to tonight’s little festivities. From the distance at the end of the driveway she saw a woman with a child and her smile grew. “Precious! Precious, you came!” She yelled in disbelief ,almost, and happiness. She hadn’t seen Precious in roug a year or two. She hadn’t changed much, but she still is beautiful. Her child and job kept her very busy, but seeing her was almost a comic relief. She had been anxious the entire night, wondering whether she’d come, but she’s happy she did. It almost soothed her guilt. “Yes. I figured ,why not? You were once a very good friend of mine and we are grown ups. Surely it’s about time we act like them.” Precious answers back, holding her child by his small hand. “I see you brought your child with.” Lilita said uncomfortably as she glanced at the little boy. He was quite the looker at his young age. “I didn’t even know you had a child, y’know, I only found out last year! How old is he?” She asked a bit curious. “He’s turning four next month. I found out I was pregnant with him two months after my wedding night.” Lilita’s face fell instantly. She almost didn’t know what to say after that. “You don’t have to say anything. He’s been the pride and joy of my life. I don’t regret anything after him, even before him.” Precious said, a tight lipped uncomfortable smile limply placed on her face. “Well...they do say babies are a blessing. Um...come in I bet it’s cold outside.” Lilita says as she awkwardly tried to avoid meeting the young boy’s curious wide gaze. She opened her door wider for them to come in. 

The first thing you’d see would be the gorgeous chandelier dangling from the ceiling as the wide circle centered floor had three dividing parts. One led to what is the kitchen, the middle one was a staircase that led upstairs and behind the staircase was the lounging room where some guests lingered. The last pathway was one that led to an extra guest room. Precious held her son closer and clung to her handbag. She marveled at the house, very to almost shockingly impressed. Marrying a wealthy man that owned coal mines across South Africa would obviously result in luxury and comfort, but Precious clearly underestimated what a scale that would be. “Make yourself at home. My family’s home is your home.” Lilita says quickly as she called for Mariam who came running with some snacks to offer the arriving guests.

“You have a very beautiful home. Gorgeous if anything, and I haven’t seen half of it!” Precious beams as her eyes looked at the fine craftsmanship of wooden statues and paintings, from Limpopo. “You should see the one in Cape Town. But anyway I’ll give you a tour in a second. I just need to make sure all my guests are here and comfortable. Meet you in a few minutes.” Lilita sang as she walked back to the entrance waving in a “toodles” fashion. Precious and her child roamed around the house, a glass of champagne in her hand as she admired the few art pieces Lilita had decorating the high walls. “She hasn’t changed much. A sucker for art, but the still money crazed person from Uni.” Precious mumbled quietly as she looked over the other guest. All suite and ties with very gorgeous body hugging dresses. She felt a bit underdressed with her formal “work party” dress which was the only ”good” dress she owned. A full time job as the COO of one of South Africa’s leading banks wasn’t an easy job, having a son whose four and wants attention too wasn’t easy. Especially being a single mother and all. Maybe if she had told the baby’s father about there ever being a baby, maybe he would’ve stayed? Maybe he would’ve wanted to be part of the child’s life? But then again, she had a fair share of valid reasons why she did what she did. 

“Hey!” Lilita calls from behind slightly scaring Precious. “I want to give you a personalized tour of my home. And I found a friend your son can play with. Now, he’s only six, but he has a lot of toys they can share.” Lilita says as she looks down at the boy her hands laid on. “Landon meet...um I never got your son’s name?” Lilita says almost embarrassed she never thought to ask. “Junior.” Precious quickly says. “Junior? That’s such a common name. Especially for you Precious. I would’ve thought you’d put some meaning behind a name you’d ever give your child.” Lilita says and Precious offered a tight lipped smile. “Yeah...he’s a junior. So everyone just calls him Junior. That’s not his first name.” She says. Lilita saw how she didn’t want to talk about it and so she let it go and let the boys go off and play. “This way then.” She says and leads the way. 

“I didn’t know! I swear I would’ve ran like I was being chased by the cops!” Lilita says laughing loudly. “Aha! Remember when the cops chased us because you decided to speed off when they wanted to take us in for drunk and driving? I told you to let me drive that night.” Precious said with a wistful smile remembering the memory. “Imagine! You in my father’s Mercedes? Are you insane! He barely ever let me drive that car. I was lucky to have him out with his newest girlfriend at the time we took his car without his permission.” Lilita says. “Those were the good old days. They were fun, we were fun. Everything was so exciting and new and fun. Now, the most fun I’d hope for is the office gossip blog girl to tell me whose husband was cheating with which assistant.” Precious says in a bitter-sweet type of way. There was familiarity in her tone.

“What’s this room?” Precious asked, trying to avoid awkward silence. “Ah yes. Um well it’s a room I kept all the things I collected in my twenties and late teens. Journals, pictures, paintings. It’s like a time capsule.” Lilita said. She opened the door and looked over her shoulder to meet Precious' eager gaze. The door opened a bit wider and the first the Precious saw are the paintings he painted for her when they were in Uni. Before he became Lilita. She blinked a couple of times, not believing that he had kept everything from their relationship. It felt like walking through memory lane but instead of feeling nostalgic, she felt more so hurt and betrayed. “Why did you keep all of this?” Precious whispered in hurt as a tear rolled down her cheek. “The man you fell in love with will always be a part of me Precious. Even if he’s now a woman.” Lilita says softly, sincerely at that. “Where was that man when I needed him most? Where was he at the altar? Huh? Where was he when I stood in front of that courthouse with no one? You left me when I needed you most.” Precious screamed in sobs. She barely could get another word out as her sobs choked her and every suppressed emotion devoured her. She wanted to hit him, to make him feel so much pain, but at the same time she is happy that he found who he truly wanted to be. It just hurt her that it was at her expense and...Junior’s.

“I thought this little get together would heal some old wounds. I missed having you in my life, especially when I had to go through the biggest change of my life. I was being selfish when I left you at the altar, but I would’ve rather left you at that altar than give you myself and never be truly satisfied by who I am and what we were. Okay! After I found out that you had a son, I assumed that you had gotten over that whole mess. I was 23 for Christ sake! I did even know how to ace my final exam with writing high, how could I have married you when I had so many hidden skeletons I hadn’t dealt with? I wanted to be my truest self, I chose me. And I know it was selfish of me, but I couldn’t take any more of the pretending to be this man you were ready to spend the rest of your entire life with. I will always be Jabu, the man you fell head over heels for in Uni, but I am also Lilita. A woman. A transgender woman who has been dreaming of the day I can finally say that without some heavy guilt and embarrassment from it. You will always be a part of my life, because you helped me see the person I could’ve been and I can only be forever thankful. But, I didn’t want you to hold any resentment to me or to men out there. I want this to be your closure and I want you to move on and be happy. And if you could ever find it in your heart to forgive me and let me back into your life. I would love that. But if you can’t, I can totally understand that.” Lilita says, finally taking a breath. Her makeup was ruined, but at that point she had ruined so much in her life, she was just hoping to fix the one thing that had meant the most to her. Precious.

“I don’t know if I could ever find the strength and the will in me to forgive you for what you did. But I am truly happy for you and how brave and strong you were for deciding to be your truest self. I just need you to understand that when you left me at that alter you destroyed a part of me I don’t think I can ever get back or remake. I think it’s best for us to simply not contact each other. I am truly happy for you Lilita, but Jabu is the person that hurt me and who I can never ever see or want to be with. Even if you are Lilita, Jabu is still a part of your identity. And I can’t. I just can’t bring it in me.” Precious says, her tone trembling before she bolted out of that room. It was closing in on her, the memories, the smiles, the laughter they shared, the hugs, the late night studying and makeup sex. Everything was hitting on her like an avalanche and she wanted to get away. “Rekopantshitswe! Rekopantshitswe! Where are you?” Precious screamed as she ran down the stairs. Her child was in a game of tag until he heard his name being called. He ran to the end of the staircase where he saw his mother in tears. “Mama…” he began but she hushed him and hurried them out of the house and into the car. She placed him in his car seat and strapped him in. She got into the driver seat and drove off.

The robot was red as she awaited for it to turn green. She had cooled off, and she stared back through the rearview mirror. He looked so calm as he slept in his car seat. He slept just like his father, not a care in the world contoured the shadows on his face and how easy his eyelids laid. “Do you know why I named you Rekopantshitswe? It means “we are combined”. Not only because your father is a transgender, but also because you are the spitting image of a man I loved. The spitting image of the love I had for him and the hate I have for myself...for not being woman enough to tell him about you. I hope one day you’ll forgive me for withholding your father. But how can he be a father to you when he isn’t even a man? I just hope my ignorance doesn’t take away something like that from you my baby. And I hope you forgive mama, mama has her flaws. And mama is paying for them, but I don’t wish for it to ever be at the expense of you. Because out of that relationship I got someone who will love me forever, and that’s you my baby boy. Mm. I love you my child. So much. Never forget that.”